[waffle house]
Waitress: how do u like your eggs
Me: hatched and with their families
W: no how do u like them cooked
M: [spits out coffee]
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My six year old lost a tooth. I left a note instead of money “too dirty.” He has been brushing that one tooth all day. Lesson unlearned
in my opinion yamaha is probably the best grand piano/motorcycle company out there
When you take that selfie, make sure your bathroom mirror doesn’t look like a small mouse had a sex party on it the night before.
My 8yo: I found a penny on the ground.
Me: That’ll bring you good luck!
8yo: I’d rather have a hundred dollar bill bring me good luck.
So apparently if someone invites you to dinner at their home, it’s impolite to create a negative Yelp review about it the next day.
KID IN PARK [crying] I think my mum might of left me here
ME: Oh no!
WIFE: Talk to him
ME: Hey, listen kid *kneels down* it’s might HAVE
Is it better to beat someone to the punch or punch someone to the beat?
“Rapunzel, Rapunzel let down your hair!”
*A long strand of smelly hair falls out the tower*
“Screw this!”
The part I don’t like about the show Unsolved Mysteries is when the mysteries don’t get solved.
Cookies from Best to Worst:
1. Chocolate chip
2. Girl Scout
3. Oreos
…
…
727. Browser
728. Tossed
729. Raisin
These pit stains indicate I’ve put unrealistic expectations on my antiperspirant.
I would never bite my own toenails. That’s so disgusting. I only bite other people’s toenails.
This has to be a scam text but what’s the end goal here?
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
I saw a horse last week and didn’t immediately say ‘horse” but it finally came out today in the middle of an important meeting and everyone thought I was brain storming
You’ve seen nothing until you’ve seen a picture of a pigeon having a job interview to become a pigeon:
A midwife is just the wife between your first and third one
You gotta feel for kids today, growing up in a world where all the good screen names are already taken
He can talk about his favourite Indian flatbread, naan-stop.
Realtor: Why r u moving?
Me: I’ve been eating w my hands for 2 months because the sideways spatula won’t let me open my silverware drawer.
Just saw a sign in a car saying “Baby On Board”
That’s no way to run a business, is it?
Presumably it’s a non-executive role.
WOMAN: [disgusted] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [gently placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
Why is it PIZZERIA and not PIZZARIA?
– my brain at 2:00 am
Boss: Any ideas to make the workplace better
Me: Alcohol would be nice
There was a slight misunderstanding, and my kids are out in the yard looking for rabbits, but whatever keeps them busy
[beach]
ME: Sure is beautiful here
HORSE: Yup
ME: Lovely sunset too
HORSE: Uh huh
ME: So…You want a drink?
HORSE: Nice try
When my wife asks me to get her something from her giant purse, it’s always “Check the big pocket. No the side pocket. Wait, the medium pocket on the inside. Maybe the other side pocket. Did you check the big pocket?”