Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Your Joke Is Factually Incorrect – A Guide to Dying Alone.

genie: wishes should be limited

monkeys paw: and come with consequences

shooting star: don’t forget rare

birthday candle: yeah and secret

dandelion: ok you guys need to relax

Me: Is there alcohol in this?
Barista: … No ma’am.
Me: Can there be?

Today is the Winter Solstice, the shortest day of the year. Unless, of course, you’re waiting in line at Wal-mart.

My computer keeps giving me an error message saying “The Printer Can’t Be Found.” Uh buddy it’s RIGHT NEXT TO YOU, HELLO

I turn hot dog water into ice cubes for house guests I don’t like

My grandma (99, dementia) was at a trivia night in her memory care unit and they asked “Who shot JFK?” and she said “I did.”

Nothing is impossible, unless of course you are waiting for the coffee to kick in.

i did the math

I hate when people ask me if I’m all ready for Christmas. No Susan. I’m not even ready for today.

CAR GPS: turn left
PHONE GPS: turn right
C: who was that?
ME: just a friend
P: just a friend?
ME: wait
C: make an illegal U-turn
ME: babe

me: “im confused, run that by me again”
doctor: “you do not need to bring your cat to the hospital, that’s just what we call the machine”

*working in pediatric ER*

me: hi my name is Josh and I’m going to be your doctor today!

kid: what is that *points to badge*

me: this is my hospital ID badge! I was having a very bad hair day that day haha

kid: it looks the same today

me:

Not sure to be insulted or not, but I cleared out a room of coworkers just by announcing
“I have a plan, trust me”

7yo: Why can’t I have coffee?

Me: It’ll make u even more energetic than u already are

7: But u drink it all the time& u never have energy!

God: you’re a seabird.

Puffin: can I fly?

God: oh course you can fly you’re a bird aren’t you?

Puffin: oh good.

God: omg can you even imagine being a bird that can’t fly?

Puffin: I know right? lol.

Penguin: [under breath] don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry.

me [after losing a rap battle]: I should have worn a hat

friend: yeah he really locked in on your side pony

*First day as a forest ranger*

Me: *using radio* I found a badly mangled buck out here

Boss: That means there’s a bear nearby

Me: Yep *narrows eyes* and it hates money

My memory is horrible but I remember every person I loaned a book to that didn’t return it.

One thing I’m really good at is turning $1500 into $4.72

[shady nighttime meeting at the aquarium]
AQUARIUM EMPLOYEE: eels are already pretty slippery man
ME: shut up and help me butter them

Me: What do you want for breakfast?
4yo: Bagel
Me: *makes it
4yo: Tricked you! I wanted toast
Me: Nice trick. Now, eat your bagel

If these walls could talk they would definitely say wow this guy really does add cheese to everything after all

I bought a ton of veggies from the farmer’s market and straightaway made some instant noodles cause life is all about balance.

[speed dating]
DATE: ding
ME: did u just make the ding sound with ur mouth
DATE: no
ME: we have 4 minutes left
DATE: *louder this time* ding

This might be the most wholesome advice column question I have ever seen

Me: *calls wife* hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places

Wife: um yeah, is this why you’re calling me?

Me: haha no… i’m stuck in the chimney

Bought a vintage grandma purse but returned it because there weren’t any butterscotch candies inside.