Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m so good at missing early morning meetings, I can do it with my eyes closed

Some guys look classy carrying a flask. I look like a degenerate alcoholic, I dunno, maybe it’s my trackpants. Who’s house is this?

I try to ask my child questions instead of directly telling him things. I guess he’s picked up on it because yesterday a little voice from the back asked me “mama, what is the speed limit here?” and when I failed to take action he followed up patiently, “is 68 bigger than 65?”

My ex was a true professional.she said “you are fired” when we broke up.

Got a couple of real nice piles of dog shit on your lawn there. Sure would be a shame if something was to… you know, “happen” to them.

It’s not a coincidence that we use the term “committed” to refer to both relationships and a stay at a mental institution

My boss at the cheese factory wants to make “cheddar juice” by having us mix orange food coloring into the leftover byproduct. We’ve gotta make a decision: leave tonight or dye this whey.

I took my dog for a walk last night and forgot something at home: the dog. I forgot the dog. Menopause is fun.

A recent study by UN has found dexter to be the no 1 cause for ocean pollution

*ball flies past
15 love
-aw thanks
*ball flies past
30 love
-too kind
*ball flies past
40 love
-you too babe
Have you played tennis before?

I’m so awkward I visited a new doctor today and when they came in I literally said “Those are some nice shoes”. I have to find another doctor already.

Judging by all the cracking and popping noises my body makes when I work out, I’d say I’m about 74% Rice Krispies.

What they’re actually saying is “I can’t even [finish this sentence due to the complexities of being a white girl on the existential level]”

brain: cactus.
me: ok.
brain: touch it.
me: but it’s sharp.
brain: i know but HOW sharp.

Me: *taking a pee*
Urologist: put that back

ME: I need help losing weight. I’ve tried everything.

NARRATOR: He hadn’t tried anything at all. Nothing.

For anyone who says parents can’t have Friday night fun, I’m at Target right now buying toilet paper.

So, yeah, you’re right.

just wanna disappear into a forest but, like, with modern appliances and Wi-Fi

You know you’re getting fat when you make a comment about needing to lose weight and the other person doesn’t say anything back.

‘Brexit’ to be followed by Grexit. Departugal. Italeave. Fruckoff. Czechout. Oustria. Finish. Slovakout. Latervia. Byegium.

I feel like such a hypocrite when I tell my cat she can’t have any more treats until she loses some weight

Doctor: serious side effects of this medication can include death

Me: I’ll take it

This is what happened. I hit the scorpion emoji by accident which made it go into my frequent emojis & it was very hectic & I wasn’t paying attention & most of my texts to people yesterday ended with a scorpion by mistake instead of a heart. Anyway. Sorry about all the scorpions

I hugged my husband when he got home from work and he seemed nervous. I knew something was off. The scent on his shirt smelled familiar then it hit me he cheated on me with my favorite restaurant. He smelled like shame and garlic bread.

Age 17: I can’t wait to travel the world!

Age 37: Feeling kind of adventurous. Might go to the “good” grocery store 15 miles away.

If you are rude to me & then you have the tenacity to ask me to buy Girl Scout Cookies from your kid-I’ll take 50 boxes of Thin Mints please

This is going to be my year.

WebMD: paranoid schizophrenia

Hyena: what’s my name again?

God: hyena.

Hyena: hi.

God: hi.

Hyena: i’m Ena : )

God: that-that’s not your name.

Hyena: oh. what is it?

God: hyena.

Hyena:

God:

Hyena: hi. i’m Ena : )

“But, I’m a talking tree!” said the oak.

“And, you will dialogue,” replied the lumberjack.

One of the few joys in my life is when my kids step on their own Lego.