waffles are just pancakes that ran into the screen porch door at full speed.
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Thursday Thought.
Never sell a golf club on Facebook to someone from East Kilbride!
Americans 1776: We’re going to fight for Revolution!
Americans 1939: We’re going to fight for world peace!
Americans 2020: We’re going to fight for toilet paper!
[sprays air freshener so my date can’t tell i just took a shit]
uber driver: what was that
[god making cheetahs]
Let’s just squish a giraffe and give it whiskers
Sorry just got your text. Do you still need to go to the hospital?
On hot days I always check the parking lot to make sure no one left their car windows up with an ice cream cake in there.
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: *high pitched mocking voice* what would you say is your biggest weakness?
there’s gotta be a better word for you people than cinephile
Me: sorry I rode a giraffe to your grandmas funeral
Friend: what? that’s not a giraffe
Me: sorry I’m on drugs at your grandmas funeral
ROBOT TEENAGER: I’m grounded?? That’s so unfair! *You’ve* been smoking for years!
ROBOT DAD: How dare y– That is a medical condition!!
Your case is very difficult to win. When I walk outside just follow me and run away
I just realized that I’m using a new phone that has never been dropped. How coo
She kept yelling “Choke!, Choke!” to me during sex.
So rude. Why would she want me to have a bad performance?
[restaurant]
ME: My compliments to the chef.
WAITER: I’ll certainly..
ME: Tell him his ass looks fantastic.
A popsicle stick makes a great bookmark. But eat the popsicle first. Don’t make the same mistake I did.
I bet before the band got popular, Barenaked Ladies concerts had a lot of pissed off attendees.
If someone wants to spend time with you, they’ll let you know. Get rid of those people
Evolution: so I have some good news and some bad news for you
Dung beetle: what’s the good news
Evolution: you won’t ever have to worry about student loans
Dung beetle: phew wow that’s great! What’s the bad news?
Evolution: well
Yes, I did a photo shoot with my thesis. Longest labor ever. #phdlife
love black friday. not buying anything, just wanted to go apeshit in a target
there is a small frog hiding in the water fountain at work and I am very jealous of him
i’d never pick the lesser of 2 evils because that means they’re not even good at being evil either
I fell off a podium in front of 200 people after doing a reading at my uncle’s funeral, hobbled back to my pew with a swollen sprained ankle, sat down turned to my son and he asked me for a snack
I went for a hill walk in the rain yesterday. Anyway long story short, I can still do the splits
Americans should be asking Santa for better presidential candidates and nothing else.
I’m not afraid of spiders.
I’m afraid of people who are afraid of spiders.
Please stop screaming and put down the hammer.
why have kids when i already have a voice in my head constantly talking me into buying things i can’t afford
“That’s gonna drive me nuts” – peanut farmer showing off his new truck