waffles are just pancakes that ran into the screen porch door at full speed.
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*pours a shaker of salt into the ocean*
You’re free now
Nancy by Ernie Bushmiller 5-6-57
What’s the name of that Adam Sandler’s movie were he plays an immature adult?
Holy shit a street psychic just stopped me & said I’m a special person who cares deeply about some things & I’m freaking ’cause that’s SO me
A younger man said I have a smokin hot body for an older woman…
I’m not sure if I should thank him or put him in a time-out.
Having a crush on someone sucks. If I wanted to gamble with my emotions, I would simply go to a convenience store, fill a slushie with 5 random flavors & let the lord decide whether it was delicious or not.
Moment of silence for the guy in Target who just said to his girlfriend, “that seems like a lot of money for face lotion.”
If you’re dating someone named Merle you’re required to call them your Merlefriend.
*flips bird*
*buys another bird with the profits*
Remember the good old days when everyone was going to hell in handbaskets instead of in flaming runaway mine carts?
Wrong officer, none of these drugs are being carried with the intent to distribute
inmate: hey man why so sad
me: my mom brought me a cake but the warden made me share it with everyone
inmate: didn’t you get a piece though?
me: not the one with the file in it
Has anyone lived long enough to buy a 2nd bottle of Worchestershire sauce ?
There’s no way the Ninja Turtles would have those ripped abs. You can’t do crunches with a shell attached to your back. Trust me I’ve tried.
UK and US word differences
UK | US
Crisps | Guns
Chips | Guns
Nappy | Gun
Biscuit | Gun
Pavement | Floor Gun
Lollypop | Gun
Gun | Two Guns
what is your most benign unpopular opinion? i don’t mean like “the earth is flat” type of unpopular opinion, i mean like “I think golden retrievers are annoying” unpopular opinion
Do you wish you were always broke?
Are you tired of having a thriving social life?
Is too much sleep boring you?Parenthood. It’s for you
I’m a highly motivated procrastinator.
If I ever go missing, put up fliers saying I left a dog in a hot car so people will actually look for me.
My favorite type of women put their jeans on in this way; left leg, right leg, wiggle wiggle jump jump.
Told my boss I would be turning in my badge and my gun. He said you work in IT, why do you have a gun.
older woman => young dude: cougar
older man => young women: manther
older man => younger men: faguar
older woman => younger women: sheetah
Googles discreet, motion-activated cameras so I can finally figure out who is drinking directly from the milk carton.
Hubs and I didn’t touch our phones at all during dinner.
Mainly bc eating crab legs takes two hands, but still, it felt romantic-ish.
Marriage hack: when your wife says “I think it’s crazy, but do what you want,” don’t do what you want.
“You’re an athlete,” I whisper to myself, as I begin my third attempt to get out of the couch.
Me: I’d like a raspberry margarita.
Waitress: Do you want sugar on your rim?
Me:
Waitress:
Me: [looking nervously at my wife]
Wife: OMG SHE IS TALKING ABOUT THE DRINK
I always wanted to die like a king.
According to the increase in my cheese intake it looks like that king will be Elvis Presley.
At the outdoor church service today, the pastor invited the kids to use sidewalk chalk to draw things that remind them of God.
My six year olds decided to trace each other and create a crime scene.
[furious with son]
wife: what happened?
me: he talks back to me and is insulting me in Spanish
[son from room] yolo isn’t spanish
me: ya see