Waffles are just pancakes with abs.
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[senses date is losing interest in me]
“my uncle was the guy who did the rap in Red Red Wine”
Sadly learned my family is racist. I started dating a black girl. Brought her home to meet the family. Wife and kids wouldn’t talk to her.
[driving on the highway]
My son, distraught: oh no. This is bad. This is very very bad.
Me: WHAT? WHAT IS IT?
Him: my Funyuns. I can’t find my Funyuns.
Me, a kid: wonders how they get jelly into jelly donuts
Me, an adult: wonders why they don’t put vodka into jelly donuts
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down unearthly monsters
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
My cardio is tripping on the sidewalk and pretending to jog for 5 feet.
A man at a cemetery for Titanic victims claims to have taken a photo of a ghost. The ghost reportedly said “there was room for two people.”
Quote of the Day: “Life is but thought.” – Sara Teasdale
Gf: What’s the dog eating?
Me: Piece of hotdog.
Dog: [chewing slows] WHAT.
If babies named Todd don’t call themselves “The Toddler” then what’s the point of having a douchebag baby name like Todd?
6: My favorite kind of melon is Watermelon. What’s your favorite kind of melon?
11: Post Melon
6:
To all my new moms, I highly recommend you start working on that upper body strength. Because you’re going to need to to haul a kicking toddler around football style.
You stop eating apples if your doctor is cute.
daddy how does Santa go to everyone’s house by morning?
“I dunno, time travel”
time travel isn’t real
“neither is Santa, go to bed”
Pro Tip: If you are under the age of 35, don’t get married. If you are over 35, don’t get married. If you are 35, don’t get married.
i be like “why does god give me his hardest battles” and the battle is cooking instead of ordering delivery
If I was Taylor Swift I would only date men whose job has a lot of terms that are easy to rhyme with.
How are you gonna be in the throes of heartbreak and have to write a song rhyming with “line of scrimmage”?
ME: wow your correct
FRIEND: *you’re
ME: -ions are presumptuous
Britain is so cool, everytime you see a name and ask “are they related to…” the answer is always yes
When I wear those trendy sports bras with a million straps I get stuck in them like a seagull in a six pack ring
The Lay’s Flavor Contest is back!
*steals all the clocks*
*has all the time in the world*
I’m not allowed to use the credit card anymore, last month I bought 43 falcons
If you collect the crumbs from one Nature Valley granola bar you can make three more granola bars.
“I’m going to lay right here in the doorway and give people a dumb look as they trip over me.”- Damned dog…. Could’ve been me though.
Every time I see inside my neighbour’s incredibly pristine garage, I wonder what secret shenanigans he is up to in his basement.
When my wife sends me to the grocery store solo with a specific list I am not allowed to improvise. That was made clear when I got home.
The old lady ringing me up at the store got frustrated w/ the barcode on my cheese not working so she just gave it to me for free…she is now sole beneficiary of my Will
The only reason we have different time zones is because if everyone was sleeping at the same time, the aliens would make off with our stuff
“GENTLEMEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH TROY AND MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”