Waffles are just pancakes with abs.
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Laundry:
Washing = 45 minutes
Drying = 60 minutes
Folding = 7 to 10 business days
[infant diary]
Father has disappeared during a game of peek-a-boo. I fear the worst.
Twitter: You already tweeted that.
Me: I ONLY HAVE TWELVE JOKES.
Me: I’ve finally finished that jigsaw puzzle!
Her: YOU DRUNK! It took you 6 months!
Me: On the box it said 2 to 4 years!
“Babe I wanna ask you something”
*gets down on one knee*
“When The Little Mermaid became human, how’d she know to use a toilet?”
*ties shoe*
I’m opening a secret ice cream club called The Inside Scoop
Helping ya friend pick a picture to post 🤝 commenting like it’s ya first time ever seeing the picture
*Holding a banana like a phone* (texting)
I’m not a 6. I’m two 3s in a trench coat.
WARNING: DO NOT TRY AND EAT WARREN BUFFET. HE IS NOT AN ACTUAL BUFFET AND IS NOT MADE OF FOOD
Me: (singing along with the car radio)
Friend: You know why this artist sings this song?
Me: No, why?
Friend: So you don’t have to.
Person: Breakfast is the most important meal of the day.
Lunch and dinner: We’re standing right here!
Now that I have a standing desk I’m adding manual labor to my resume.
“You run like you’re making fun of running.” -my brother
C’mon now, y’all couldn’t have ALL been picked last for kickball every time, that’s not even mathematically possible
Me: Should we watch WandaVision?
Wife: She’s probably too young to understand it
3: *draws a rune on the wall*
H. P. Lovecraft implies the existence of H. P. Livecraft and H. P. Laughcraft
in grade 3 we wrote an essay about “would u rather be a big fish in a smal pond or a smal fish in a big pond” and i wrote “can i be a frog”
Not saying I’m lazy, but if we had a motion detector alarm in our house it wouldn’t have gone off all day yesterday, even though I was home.
Sometimes my 5yo asks profound questions and other times he asks me if our garbage bin is big enough to fit a whole cow
My friend’s girl broke up with him because she didn’t like his pet lizard.
I knew she didn’t like him from the gecko.
Why do birds,
suddenly appear,
every time,
you are near?
Just like me,
you seem to be,
made of seeds.
Barista: How do you take your coffee?
Me: Seriously. Very seriously.
All I’m saying is waking up at night because you have to pee in a dream is better than actually peeing in the dream…
If I had a nickel every time a recent film featured a nihilistic, multiverse traveling supervillain who causes the protagonist to encounter other versions of themselves all because of a bagel- I’d have two nickels. Which isn’t a lot but it’s weird that it happened twice.
Until my 30s I ate the whole Apple, core and all. When people looked surprised, I told them it was healthy; the ‘whole food’. Then my Mum admitted she’d taught me that so I didn’t leave rotting apple cores in the back seat of the car.
The Girl With The Grilled Cheese and Bacon Tattoo
*Takes one bite from every item in the work refrigerator*
*Mary Poppins voice*
Ok, children! Time to go!
[15 min later]
*Batman voice*
I said let’s go.
Geesh you avoid someone for 6 months and right away they assume you ghosted them.