Waffles make excellent pill organizers
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Don’t let that “Metalica” t-shirt fool you. She knows every word to Miley Cyrus’ “Wrecking Ball”
I get it, mayonnaise. I am also disgusting yet liked by many.
Every person over 50, every Autumn: It sure is a pretty Fall this year, although not as pretty as last year.
WINDOWS: update? 🙂
ME: I can’t
WINDOWS: later? 🙂
ME: I don’t know if I—
WINDOWS: pwease? 🙂
ME: fine, later tho
WINDOWS: *immediately restarting* oops 🙂
One hamburger please
CHICK-FIL-A: Sorry we only serve chicken here
Oh
*leaves*
*comes back wearing a chicken costume*
One hamburger please
Drive me up the wall, so I know you’re 4 wheel
He is on that bird call website a lot.
– My Mom describing me on twitter to older relatives at get-togethers.
Them: What inspires you to get up every day and get out of bed?
Me: My bladder mostly.
I turn my phone off overnight. A 3am text either means bad news or drunk people, and both make more sense in the morning.
therapist: overthinking
me: you mean predicting the future
I told my kids they could have everything they want from the Amazon toy catalogue all they have to do is cut out the pictures and play with them which worked out great because now they’re not talking to me so problem solved
Don’t call me “Dad”, please call me by my professional title, “Half-Eaten Food Connoisseur Broken Toy Engineer Butt-Wipeologist”.
Guys: when you’re shaving, do the Hitler part first. You don’t want to get interrupted and then be running around with just the Hitler part.
my daughter said “it’s cold, but it’s a beautiful day.” ppl w no bills are so positive.
“Now?”
“Not yet.”
“Now?”
“Not quite.”
*Car approaches*
“Now?”
“Now.”
-Deer crossing the road
ashley: hey
ashleigh: heigh
Sorry, I’m using all 43 grocery carts. Use a basket.
My daughter got to pack her own lunch for the last day of school and it included a donut, 2 bags of chips, a shaker of sprinkles, and 1 tiny baby carrot because “it’s important to be healthy”
Online shopping is all fun and games until you have to get up and get your credit card from the other room.
I got fired for telling customers if they wanted “smoking or non-smoking”.
Apparently the correct term in the funeral home business is “cremation or burial”.
HADES: what happens when Aphrodites hair gets frizzy?
ZEUS: don’t-
HADES: i guess u could call her AFROdite
ZEUS: this is why we banished u
Sick of people calling me “The Jigsaw Killer.” Sure, I kill people. I also like jigsaw puzzles. But those two things don’t define me
My husband purchased a world map and then gave me a dart and said, “Throw this and wherever it lands—that’s where I’m taking you when this pandemic ends.”
Turns out, we’re spending two weeks behind the fridge.
Why do I keep finding a lone shoe when I’m out hiking? Did someone just choose to abandon their shoe and hop along the trail?
I make a mortgage-sized payment monthly to send my kid to preschool. Today, I have to pick him up early so they can close to then reopen an hour later for an art show where I can pay a second time to buy art my kid made while I paid for him to be there.
Just heard a woman ask if she left her teeth over there
Really hoping this is Halloween related
imagine if poop was transparent. I’d completely lose my shit
My in-laws visited today.
FIL: when I was a kid I stole a candy bar from a store.
My 8yo: then why are you here shouldn’t you be in jail?
I love my son.
Take two chicken wings and call me in the morning.
Me, thinking about the time the cashier said, “Come back soon,” and I said, “You too.”