Waffles make excellent pill organizers
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[nervously speeding up as I drive my date past a Taco Bell]
SIRI: At frequent destination. Set this address as ‘Home’ address?
I sneezed so many times I can now hear the color blue
I don’t care what my husband says, technically he is a brother-in-law to my mom’s dog.
Apparently “cool story, bro” is not an acceptable substitute for “congratulations” when your friend calls and tells you she’s pregnant.
Friend: Actually I met my partner on Twitter!
Me: I’m so sorry. Here if you need to talk ❤️
Friend: …no? It’s a good thing?
Me: *hand on their shoulder* Sure it is buddy
I’m afraid my Roomba is going to kill me in my sleep, and then clean up all of the evidence.
Can we all just agree that fries are really just nude poutine?
Capri Sun taught me how to stab with accuracy.
15: I’m starving! There’s nothing to eat. What are you having for lunch?
Me: grapes
15: Nice! We have grapes?!
Me: *sips wine* nope
Why don’t you make like a tree and grow big and strong bro
Her: Let’s just keep this casual ok?
Me: *reverses baseball cap*
Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Hopefully, on paid administrative leave.
Sister: And you definitely know how to do this sawing trick?
Me: Yes of course I…oh no
Half sister: what
[picks up scalp massager]
Me: what’s this thing called
Store Clerk: that’s a head scratcher
Me: well take a guess my man
The smallest amount of kindness can change the trajectory of one’s day. But on the flip side a good small pinch on the outside of the upper arm can also change the trajectory of one’s day.
All I can say is, choose wisely.
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I have used a condiment from my parents’ fridge without checking the expiration date
Just overheard a woman on her phone here at the airport say “I’m literally here at the airport” and it was kind of thrilling to hear the term used correctly.
6: I like your necklace
Me: Thank you
6: When you die me and my sisters get your jewelry, right
Me: Not if I disown you first
Her: I need a funnel
Me: well that narrows it down
[at home]
ac repair guy: yup, the unit can be fixed
me: well..what’s the problem
ac repair guy: just shit in the filter
me: wait..to fix it??
Just bumped into Gloria Gaynor’s ghost!
At first I was afraid, I was petrified.
chugging a woman’s entire drink at the bar and then saying “you’re safe. there is nothing in your drink”
Sometimes you send an email that requires a response, and the other person writes back right away, and it’s like NO NOT YET.
There are two types of children: those that get up in the middle of the night, and those who get up way too early. And they’re siblings.
Canadians celebrate Thanksgiving earlier than Americans because we’ve learned to space out forcible family get-togethers
PRO SURVIVAL TIP: Don’t go through that door that mysteriously opened all by itself in that 300 year old hotel with a tragic past.
Adults should not be twins. Being twins is for children.
Kids: *jumping on me* WAKE UP
Me: I’m woke
Kids: How woke?
Me: We’re putting Harriet Tubman on something that enslaves us all today.
If there’s one thing that makes me want to throw up, it’s a dartboard on the ceiling.
See a penny, pick it up, then all day you just have a dirty penny in your pocket