wait.
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83% of white folks stressing about their court dates are referring to tennis.
Yesterday I went to the grocery store and I managed to come home without any junk food.
Now I’m mad that we don’t have any junk food.
Dear water parks, what stops you from building an escalator to the swim slide?
New poster I stuck up at my local train station. I’m looking forward to catching up with everyone.
Cartman: Respect my
a a
Wind chimes:
-loud
-only nice in theory
-secretly hated by allMe:
-wait
-oh no i’m wind chimes
[parole hearing]
“What will u do if released?”
“Kill everyone on the jury.”
“What?”
“Buy everyone jewellery.”
“Aw. Granted.”
Gwyneth Paltrow should invent a candle that smells like a brand new can of Play-Doh
I’m forming a Wham! cover band with 3 other bald guys called Hairless Whisper.
My 3 year old daughter lost screen time for misbehavior, and now she keeps trying to talk to me.
Well-played, kid. Well-played.
Tired of your teens stealing your hoodies?
Just get them embroidered with
“MY MOM IS THE FLEEKEST OF COOL”
Problem solved.
ME: Where are the posters?
WIFE: THEY JUST DISAPPEARED!
[In other room]
*cat is furiously stuffing missing dog posters into paper shredder*
Bruce Willis is relaxing by his pool. he’s got so much sunscreen on that he slowly slides off his lounger, out of the gate & down the road
Guy who’s never heard of drugs before: “Take an edible”? Dude, just say you ate some food. Sheesh
My wife made me pack my own bag for vacation and now I have to figure out how to wear potato chips.
[Lingerie store]
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear for my wife.
ASSISTANT: Satin?
ME: No, I’d prefer new ones.
Him: drink?
Me: I have a boyfriend
Him: I have a goldfish
Me: What???
Him: I thought we were talking about shit that don’t matter
*moonwalks into office* *draws dual finger guns* *fires off seven shots at Annie from HR* *holsters guns* *gets chosen for random drug test*
“sorry sorry sorry reallysorry reallysorry sorry” – remorse code
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
judge: what do you have to say for yourself
scooby-doo villain: i was legally startling trespassers on my own private property and was wrongfully arrested and imprisoned by a group of high teenagers
judge: oh damn
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
Me: i feel like we don’t communicate as well lately
Marriage Counselor: where’s your wife?
Me: shit I forgot to tell her about this
According to the signage in my state, guys named Ray own car repair shops or adult bookstores.
What happens when you eat too many spaghettiOs?
You have a vowel movement.
If you love Batman, let him go, because Batman Returns.
My bladder thinks it knows where I live, but in truth it assumes my toilet is in the street about 100m from the front door.
Sorry, can’t talk right now. Too busy thinking about how the only part of my reflection I can lick is my tongue.
How do you stop babies crying when you drop them? And don’t say ‘garbage disposal’ because that’s jammed now.