wait.
You Might Also Like
ok guys the gofundme I set up to hire a hitman to kill me is already at 3x its goal you can stop contributing
At the restaurant I heard a lady say her taco was too salty. My wife had to leap over the table and cover my mouth before I said something.
Celebrities are like we’re just like you then they name their kids Fruitcake and Archipelago.
My wife is always like, “You answer the door, I don’t even have my bra on!” and for that reason, I have stopped wearing a bra.
Mugger: give me everything you got
Spice Girls: Oh tell me what you want what you really really want
Mugger: ok nevermind
Maybe all the lonely ladies in my DMs who just moved to this city and don’t have any friends should get together and start a newcomers club.
[bank]
Matt Damon: “I’d like to make a deposit.”
Teller: “Checking or…”
Matt Damon: “Please, don’t.”
Teller: “Savings, Private Ryan?”
Me: being able to see yourself in others is what it means to be human
Captcha:
talking to animals doesn’t make you crazy, hearing them talk back does
Library of Alexandria discourse is starting up again and I can’t believe how many people are misinformed on this. So, once again:
Libraries have no natural predators. Burning them down is literally the only way to keep the population under control.
I’m so frustrated at work I’m thinking about eating my Doritos without washing my hands first… or after
Jury duty would be a lot more popular if they gave everyone a turn with the gavel
Nobody ever says “OMG I saw your twin!” and shows you a picture of somebody attractive. It’s always like “OMG I saw your twin!” and then it’s a picture of a half-eaten sandwich in the garbage
So it turns out ghosting doesn’t work on credit card companies.
*opens a bag of popcorn at your intervention*
Gravy boat.
Gravy boat.
All the dishes are on my son’s bedroom floor so I’m drinking coffee from a GRAVY BOAT!
ME: Hold on, let’s stay in the car until the song ends.
UBER DRIVER: No.
Plans < cancelled plan < no plans < no plans, but knowing people totally want to hang out with you
I tried oscillating once. Not a fan.
My son said a bunch of disparaging things about Billy Joel and now he sleeps outside in a tent. That’ll learn him.
Neighbor found religion and I found spirits.
not now, i’m busy doing tax crimes on my abacus
I’m meeting a man I really like for drinks. If I play my cards right, he’ll be deleting my number in a few hours.
More than once I’ve clicked on an ad for clothing that turned out to be for a toddler.
Chopsticks are perfect for when you want to drop your food twice on its way to your mouth.
To make space in prisons, judges are now sentencing low-risk offenders to pick up a few things at IKEA during the week before college starts
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
Just got to our Airbnb!
We have a ghost. Came home and found the fridge magnets rearranged: “I see dreadful people.”