Wait, 12 years a slave isn’t about marriage?
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Mom’s coming over for dinner. She just LOVES my lasagna. So I made a taco salad.
Tammy is short for Tamuel
*someone hands me a baby*
Oh… no thank you
*places baby on the ground*
Magneto spent his high school years dating girls with braces.
9:30 in the morning, the woman behind me in line says to her toddler “No, I don’t think they have ice cream right now, nobody eats ice cream this early in the morning,” just as I turn around holding a giant cup of vanilla soft serve.
My favorite thing about decorative towels is how you’re not allowed to use them.
Because nothing says CLASS like useless towels.
We got about 5-6 inches of snow here in the last 24 hrs, or, according to men, we got 8 inches.
Don’t worry when I get to heaven I’ll put in a good word for you guys
Go to a suburban neighborhood, find the meanest mom with the biggest glass of white wine, and bring her to negotiate your new car purchase.
“You’re more likely to be killed in a car wreck than eaten by a shark.”
The shark made a convincing argument, so I got out of the cage.
[watching Canadian Geese slowly walk across the street]
Me: ya know you can fly !
“Honey, the baby sure is fussy. Why don’t we go see a movie after we goto a nice, quiet restaurant?”
Walked in on my 5yo absolutely destroying his punching bag so I’m not even gonna ask him what kind of day he had at school today.
I’m an ass man, myself. 100% ass. Made of ass & butts & that’s it. This thing that looks like a face? Ass. These fists? Little butts. Hi.
Wife: [on phone]
Me: Who are you calling?
Wife: The fire department.
Me: Why?
Wife: I need a permit to light your birthday candles.
I wonder if the username “That Cab” is free, cause a lot of people would want to follow “That Cab”
Me refusing to admit that my favourite shirt is a bit too tight now
Tuesday
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
dm room: tell your dad we say happy birthday!
Me: dad, my internet friends say happy birthday
Dad: internet people aren’t real friends
Me: *to dm room* he says thanks
Husband: I don’t understand
Kids: MOM MOM
H: how we are not
K: DAD DAD
H: able to get
K: MOM MOM
H: more done around the house?
Kids: MOM DAD MOM DAD MOM DAD
H: Never mind.
No, autocorrect, I’m not “pooping” popcorn. Not now anyway. Later, yes, but I don’t plan to text about it.
“Do you moan when you eat?”
Me, making small talk in an elevator
I heard from someone in the know that every bank is going to collapse this week and we should all go to the banks at the same time and get all of our money out
(friends getting chinese noodles without you)
that’s pretty lo, mein
If you pass the drug test at dominos they fire you
[planning heist]
leader: the security guard will take his break from 3:15 to 3:30 so that’s when you will-[notices my disapproving expression] what?
me: that’s when I take my break too tho
Just once, I’d ike a cop to pull me over and tell me how great I’m driving, especially considering I’ve had 12 beers.