Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve lost my boyfriend! He’s in one of these browser tabs, somewhere.

doctor: your parents were in a car accident

me: how are they?

doctor: they’re extremely critical

me: so they’re awake, that’s good

Does anyone know a good locksmith? I spent the entire day cleaning the entire house and need to keep my family out.

Do you ever wake up, kiss the person sleeping beside you and feel glad to be alive?

I just did and I won’t be allowed on this airline again

*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
………GO TO HELL!!

My teens hanging with me at 7pm:
19yo: I need to email my professor!
15yo: That’s late for an old person.
19yo: He answered me back!
15yo: Wow! You sure he’s as old as Mom?
Me: Hey!
19yo: No–
Me: Thank you!
19yo: Definitely not as old as Mom!
Me: HEY!

The guy who thought up Super Mario must have had a very complicated relationship with turtles

[My first day as Lady Gaga]
*talking to my stylist*
just wrap ham around my face.

TERMINOTOR: come with me if u want to live
ME: ok cool
*just sits there*
TERMINOTOR: COME WITH ME IF–
ME: ya i got it. im good right here

I’m not saying you’re stupid, but you look like the kind of guy who’d play Russian roulette with an automatic pistol.

OTHER KIDS IN RESTAURANT: Restlessly coloring on a placemat waiting for food.
MY KIDS: Have already flipped over a booth & set it on fire.

Remember when movies didn’t show you the entire plot in the trailer?

Huge respect for Parasite, but Ford v Ferrari deserved to win just for the opening scene

Sure, most of my cousins are doctors and lawyers and professors with nice houses and adorable kids but I’m the only one who can digest milk

Him: What’re you eating?
Me: All of it.

Do lady dolphins ever get tattoos of 19-yr-old community college students?

[business meeting at restaurant]
“There’s more than one way to skin a cat”
[Family of cats at next table]
*mom cat puts paw on cat dad’s arm

Boss:Why is your voice gone? Are you ok?

Me:*thinks back to me belting out Ariana Grande’s “Dangerous Woman”*

I’m ok…allergies are bad.

Alcohol because no great conversation ever started over a salad !

Rest of world: don’t do anything crazy plz
UK: fk u we used to own u watch this
*does backflip
*money falls out of pockets
*cracks head open

Eww. RTing her is like giving your TL an STD

My son can now reach the light switches so don’t come over my house unless you’re really into raves or want to have a seizure.

Q: “And onto the final gadget for your mission.”
James Bond: “What is it? Some sort of balloon weapon?”
Q: “It’s a condom, James. A condom.”

Sorry you saw that piece of corn but I tried flushing five times and it just wouldn’t go down.

– Whoa! Have you seen that big herd of bees outside?
– Not *herd* of bees.
– You’ve not heard of bees? They’re flying things with stings.
– I know, but it’s swarm!
– *sweating* I know, it’s boiling! But I’m not opening the window til that herd of bees has gone.

My company has a nicotine like addiction to conference calls.

Wait – my gym moved?

In 1997?

Doctor: “You have acute appendicitis.”

Me: *blushing* “Oh you. I bet you say that to all your patients.”

Dog: [sound asleep, eyes rolled back in head, legs twitching from dream]
Me: [momentarily thinks about peanut butter]
Dog: [waiting in kitchen with spoon]

Child: What’s a pandemic?

Me: It’s like a potdemic but flatter.

Child: I’ll ask mom.