Wait, 12 years a slave isn’t about marriage?
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[Lady is being robbed]
“Help, Social Media Man!”
[Social Media Man swoops in & creates a facebook page called Mugging Is Bad]
I’m confident that I could drink sea water if I had to. Like if I needed to, my body would just handle it. I’m not saying scientists are wrong but they don’t know me.
I’m choking laughing omfg 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
Would love to do a Trump family sitcom, but would have to make up a character to be “the smart one”
Everyone at Thanksgiving table:
Me: Wait I thought you said bring a side piece
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
aliens are gonna be super confused when they show up threatening to overthrow our leaders and we’re all stoked and offer to help.
Fancy restaurants be like “This is technically toast, but we put fancy cheese and sprouts on it. That’ll be $30.”
I’d like to do more voiceover work if anybody’s got a lead or anything. I sound like a freaky guy and am famous for accepting payment.
When I said I liked it rough.
Genie: what are your three wishes
Me: make me a waffle
[suddenly I am a waffle]
Me: no, like a waffle to eat
[in a flash waffle me is on a plate]
Me: no! for me to eat
[a much larger me sits down in front of the plate]
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
College: Now that you’re making tons of money with your degree, please donate back to us every year
Me: lol
College: lol ikr?
Something’s wrong with the selfie camera on my new phone. It keeps making me look like I’m 40.
The office gossip approached me to say one of the eligible work bachelors was “asking about me” my very normal reaction was to blurt “tell him he’s too good for me!” and scurry away. Then throwing out a “I’m forbidden to wed!” So I think I’ll remain romantically retired for now.
If anyone finds a twenty dollar bill, it’s mine.
Pains me to say it, but I have chapped lips.
Interviewer : On your resume, you have the word “thigh” and it’s blank for 2 years. Please explain.
Me: That’s my thigh gap
It infuriates my wife to see our stuff on the kitchen floor for a few hours but she’s totally fine with a table and chairs being there all year long.
ROBIN: Let me drive the Batmobile.
BATMAN: Never. I’d rather let Superman-
[wall breaks down]
SUPERMAN: OMG REALLY
BATMAN: No.
If the lever on your toaster breaks off and your bread starts burning, can you pry it out with a butter knife? The answer may shock you.
emails from companies that start with stuff like “only nine weeks left to…” who are these for? who has their life together enough to act that far in advance. I don’t know what I’m wearing to work in ten minutes.
I have really bad hearing & thought he said “I love turds” but he said “nerds” & now I don’t know what to do with this shit in my underwear.
[Observation Ward]
Me: *thinking aloud* Santa Monica implies the existence of Santa Chandler, Santa Ross-
Doctor 1: Take his phone
Doctor 2: I did that three hours ago
Doctor 1: Ugh… give it back maybe?
My kids have eaten 47 lbs of candy. They aren’t sleeping until December 12th. Send help.
There’s no such thing as bad press.
Johnson & Johnson: Hold my Beer!
[montage of me giving-up]
Proctology is located in A55
The Professor Banned Laptops In Class. Too Bad College Kids Are Petty!😂😭😭
Don’t make my same mistake. See the signs. Make a change.
