Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*watches man fall off of bridge on TV..

“Bartender, can you get me that drunk?”

This Valentine’s Day, make sure to make it extra awkward by playing “All By Myself” on full blast in your car while eating and sobbing into a bucket of fried chicken when you’re waiting at red lights.

I don’t think “House” was the right name for that Hugh Laurie show. Based on what I saw, it should have been called “Hospital”

Some homophobic guys are scared that a dude might hit on ’em.

If a chick wouldn’t hit on you, neither would a dude.

Ugliness is universal.

“How stressed are you?”

Me:

*goes outside*

*realises it’s entirely too windy to be wearing a skirt*

*regrets today’s choice of underwear*

GET OVER HERE thunders across the bar as a harpooned rope impales a beautiful girl. The bartender smiles and shakes his head at Scorpion.

I finally got my 11yo interested in a sport, and all it took was hiring a pretty 16yo girl to coach him.

I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then

In the spirit of ‘Cancel Culture’ so to speak, can we just go ahead and cancel the middle school dioramas????

Im out of cotton balls. 😒

Kid in park *crying* I don’t know where my mom’s gone to

Me: Oh no, that’s terrible!

Wife: Talk to him

Me: Hey kid *kneels* don’t end a sentence with a preposition

“get your shit together” is my favorite weird expression of something no one would ever do, but everyone totally agrees is great advice.

Sorry if I unfollow you. It’s nothing personal, I just hate the things you say and do, and who you are as a person.

“Do you need help with your math homework Billy?”
“Yeah I sure do Dad!”
“Well you’re shit out of luck”

them: the new Batman film will be totally raw and gritty

me:

just responded to every text i haven’t replied to in weeks by sharing my wordle which i got in 2 guesses

They say if you love something set it free so am I supposed to just leave the front door open or do I drop my kids at the park or something?

One time I was teaching a guy how to use the stump grinder and he said no worries it’s just a machine they pretty much all run the same. And I was like wow that’s a great point I really admire that. And then he ran it through a shed

I’m totally fine with everyone leaving the country if Trump wins or if Hillary wins. I need more space

Hello Darkness, my old frie- *the lights suddenly turn on* oh it’s like that now?

Sharon Hodges had her new bike stolen and the police wouldn’t help. A week later she saw it for sale in her local used items newspaper. She contacted the seller and they met at the mall. She asked to test ride it and never returned. She stole her bike back.

My phone is so dry I haven’t even gotten a text from a politician

I’m just saying, instead of calling it a “mule”, it would have made more sense to call it a honkey.

Everyone wants a wild, obsessive love until it parks on their lawn and sets up a tent next to the shrubbery.

Interviewer: there’s a long gap on your resume?

Me: Ah yes, you see I was dressing my toddler

You don’t know your own leg strength until you’re kicking the end of a Hotel tucked bed sheet

[haunted house]

FRIEND: you scared???
ME: not because of this haunted house, but yes

My local coffee shop has one of those “No WiFi, pretend it’s the old days” signs so I robbed them and made them promise not to use DNA evidence to convict me.

It’s his time

“Next time can you make something I like?”

*my kid leaving a review about his school lunch