Wait a minute…
You Might Also Like
Baby monitors are pointless because most babies simply stop doing illegal shit as soon as they realize you’ve got their room bugged.
I fed the neighborhood cat cheaper cat treats and now she’s meowing Sarah McLachlan songs in my back yard.
My other half came home early and caught me in bed with an optical illusion. I told her it’s not what it looks like.
Sex with me is like a roller coaster. There’s lots of screaming and sometimes people fly out and die.
“Oh babe. All of that is for me?”
-Me, to my laundry basket.
Real jealous of all the bears getting fat and preparing to sleep for months
Biden: Maybe we make our own country and he won’t be invited
Obama: Joe
Biden: And MAYBE THIS TIME WE CALL IT THE BLACK HOUSE RIGHT BARACK
I 100% subscribe to this philosophy
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name.
Tonight’s rookie mistake: Not budgeting enough time into my 5yo’s bedtime routine to argue with him about how to spell the letter K.
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [scanning menu] what page are u on
Is it wrong that I lied on my tinder profile about how many tusks I have?
Streaming Service: We think this wholesome comedy would be great!
Me: hmmm
Streaming: How about thoughtful calm drama parallel of life
Me: 🤔
Streaming: ok…how about a depressing cult docu-series that will fill you with a rage that will not die
Me: ya ya that’s the one
I love how we all talk about The Last Supper painting & nobody mentions that all 13 of those guys were sitting on the same side of the booth
9: if a cigar is just made from a plant then why can’t kids have them?
me: I’m just trying to drink my morning coffee man.
Slippers made out of Lego so that when you step on Lego you just get taller.
This year I’m the Invisible Man for Halloween, according to this bartender that apparently hasn’t seen me standing here for an hour
My kids never meet a drink he couldn’t spill
Day 137 of telling myself I’ll start working out as soon as my [body part] stops hurting
Him: I like meatier girls.
Me: I killed the dinosaurs.
Him: What?
Me: What?
ME: Take care of my cat while I’m away?
HITMAN: [screwing on silencer] No problem.
i listed my ex as my emergency contact at my new job bc if i have a heart attack i need to tell kathy to burn in hell one last time
English is just 3 languages wearing a trenchcoat pretending to be one tall language
*approaches a girl, tips hat* M’lady.
*approaches a material girl, tips hat* M’donna.
I believe the children are our future.
But my 3-year-old finished his juice & then got mad because he thought someone else finished his juice, so that future might be in trouble.
*holds pen ready*
“How many zeros in one million?”
“Six”
“Ok, thanks”
*writes milli000000n*
13YO: Why’s he happy? He got dog-piled.
Me: He made a lot of groundage before getting put down.
Husband: Yardage. Tackled. PLEASE LEAVE.
Me: Have you been following the H1B stuff? My wife: No, what happened? Did it mutate to infect humans?
“20 McNuggets for $5? That’s like a quarter a nugget!” I exclaimed, hoping that my dinner date would be impressed with my math skills.
I deal with my problems in the order they were received.
Right now they’re all on hold listening to crappy music.