Wait a minute
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Friend: I’m poly.
Me, pulling out crackers: Well, you won’t believe what I have for you!
Marriage advice from my Dad: “Leaps of faith are part of every relationship. I go to sleep every night long before your Mom does, trusting that she will not steal my Peanut Chews.”
The KANYE went down to the very KANYE street to buy a new KANYE for only $KANYE dollars. “KANYE?” he asked.
– Kanye West doing a Mad Lib
Judges are so childish. Oh, you’re angry so you’re going to slam your little hammer on the table?
Grow up
me: i don’t like talking about myself
random girl at a party: hi how’s it goin’
me: look jessica, it all started when i was six years old
When god closes a door my 10yr old opens 15 kitchen cupboards and walks away.
[beehive]
DRONE BEE: I feel like she’s just using me
20,000 OTHER DRONE BEES: [nodding] I hear ya, bro
QUEEN: Back to work, handsome
DRONE BEES: [blush]
I just met a woman who told me she had “trouble keeping weight on” in times of stress. I ate her.
Startled by the sound of my own washing machine, yet convinced I’d be a badass in any apocalypse.
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
[plot twist] ur buried vertically
*pats crying child on the back*
“There, there”
*child keeps crying*
“Did you not just hear when I said, ‘There, there’? Shut up, already”
Cinderella is my favorite story about choosing a spouse based on shoe size.
So, wearing fur is wrong but wearing a Hawaiian shirt is OK? Do they even know how many Hawaiians had to die to make that shirt?
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kinda place to raise your kids…
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [peers over newspaper]
Elton John: in fact it’s cold as hell
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [nods, goes back to reading]
[at the cheesecake factory]
me: I will have the cheesecake
waiter: okay
Life hack: McDonald’s will deliver if you tell them that you are holding Ronald hostage for a ransom of [your desired food order]
I’m trying to cut back on how much sense I make
Toddler: I won’t eat that lovingly prepared, absolutely delicious, gourmet meal because it’s yucky
Also Toddler: Eats 5 week old goldfish cracker from car seat and cries for more
“I am inspiring” -Russian guy who’s about to get kicked out of his spy ring
Listen, I’m all about neighborliness, but if you ring my bell one more time at 7am just to inform me you received my newspaper
I. Will. Boil. Your. Rabbit.
Me, responding to a text at 2 am: Oh they should be asleep so I’ll be free from talking until the morning
Them: *texts back in 30 seconds*
Me: I hate you
HUNGOVER IN YOUR 20s
[takes tylenol and goes about the day]
HUNGOVER IN YOUR 30s
[writing letter] Dearest Penelope, I fear this may be the final time I am blessed to feel the warmth of the sun upon my breast. I grow more weary by the moment, and prospects for survival are slim
Friend nagged me for TDKR OST. Renamed Backstreet Boys song and mailed them to him. Fun.
i meant to share this earlier
Maybe I need to quit questioning my parenting and start questioning my children’s childing.
Officer: Cause of death?
Me: Well it all started innocently..
The best plant holders?
Reasons I wish I was an octopus:
1. I could hold every slice of a pizza.
2. 8 votes at the PTA meeting.
3. Stop sign hugs.