Wait a minute
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Me: *barges into the room*
How dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
Nobody ever talks about how Sodom and Gomorrah were walkable cities
alcohol is actually a performance-enhancing drug. but you’re not gonna like the performance
With Girls Gone Wild bankrupt wild girls no longer have a home. Many of them will be put down. Please. Adopt a wild girl. Before she’s gone.
Who him? Oh that’s just jimmy, I pay him to follow me around and inter-
*saxophone solo*
INTERRUPT MY SENTENCES WITH SAXOPHONE SOLOS.
*being wrestled away from mall santa by security* u hav TWO WEEKS until deadline and ur out here doing PHOTO OPS?! WHOS DOINGE THE REAL WORK
If Twitter is a rave then Facebook is a Tupperware party.
What I say: it’s time for bed
What my child hears: you have been sentenced to life in prison with no parole
Smart cars are what happens when Optimus Prime gets drunk and has sex with his vacuum cleaner.
Me: omg look how bad they messed up my name at Starbucks, this isn’t even close
lupita nyong’o: that’s my coffee
[Being buried alive]
Guess I’m really living on…
*I knock-knock on coffin lid*
…burrowed time
Gravediggers: this is why
Every call with my mother starts in one of two ways:
1. WHY HAVEN’T YOU CALLED? IS EVERYTHING OK?
2. WHY ARE YOU CALLING? IS EVERYTHING OK?
My hair is 100% organic, but it has been tested on animals. Portions may have been used to drape over cats’ heads to make little wigs.
Reason to wake up early in the day:
THE EARLY BIRD GETS THE WORMReason to wake up later in the day:
THE EARLY WORM GETS EATEN
I shot a man in Reno,
Just to watch him cry.It was just a Nerf gun you big baby!
Don’t invite me places. I was cesarean. I didn’t want to come out then and I certainly don’t want to now
Wife: I am angry with you.
Husband: Again or Still ?
Her: Oh, a handsome man like you must be used to compliments.
Me: Yes, but do go on…
When a woman asks you to smell something, it usually smells good.
Men on the other hand…
What did Peter Lorre do to piss off cartoonists so much, my god
[soldier dying in my arms]
Soldier: tell my wife-
Me: dude I’m already giving messages for 3 guys. Just wait until she dies & tell yourself
ME: Okay, what exactly do you think bulls look like?
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE CONSTELLATIONS: 1 straight line and 2 bendy ones. That’s bulls.
ME: Hold on, let’s stay in the car until the song ends.
UBER DRIVER: No.
Most bags of sand live a tough life stopping floods. But some, the lucky ones, live a leisurely life tied to the basket of a hot air balloon
Apparently, it’s “bad manners” to stare at a female coworker for 30 seconds, then ask if she’s self-conscious about her hair.
If two pieces of pizza share the same pepperoni that is one piece of pizza. Don’t let anybody tell you differently
Two things I learned this weekend are:
1. I’m not too old to get in a hammock.
2. I’m too old to get out of a hammock.
It’s a beautiful morning. Lots of people out walking their phones.
[invention of fish net stockings]
fisherman 1: Help! I got caught in the fish net!
fisherman 2: is it just me or is dave looking a little … hot?
fisherman 3: no dave is definitely being hot rn
People are ruining the word Daddy, my kids are going to have to call me ‘homie’ or some shit.