wait a minute….
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kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
Some people cry when they meet a celebrity. Big deal! I cry when I meet anybody, whether they’re famous or not. It’s called being scared of the world, sweetie, look it up.
*makes breakfast for two
*eats both of them
*hands cashier $100 bill
“Ya have anything smaller?”
*crumbles up $100 bill and hands it to cashier
[job interview]
interviewer: any weaknesses?
death star: only a little one
When I said, “I would sell a kidney for it”, what made you think I meant mine? Hold still.
Revenge is a dish best served with revengetables.
Wasn’t trying to push all your buttons, but in my defense I was looking for mute.
Not to brag, but I parallel parked without hitting anything, taking 15 mins, or winding up on the sidewalk. No cars were around, but still.
every day i feed my cats the exact same thing and every day they look at me like i got their order wrong
My husband said the doctor told him I can suck out his kidney stone. After 3 days of trying, I think he lied to me.
My dog, every day, brings out a shoe, a shoe of mine in my current shoe rotation, and won’t let it go until I give her a bully stick. It’s extortion!
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
“Eat right and exercise?!?…
I dunno…seems like some kind of a scam, Doc.”
Days after my plane crashed, I find a phone. Thankfully, it has enough battery for me to go online & argue with strangers. I remain stranded
I’m cat sitting for my daughter, and she sent me three pages of instructions, along with a video tutorial. Anyways, what’s a cat? She never specified that part.
Nurse: “This may hurt.”
Me: “June hasn’t been much fun either.”
hide the Elf on the Shelf while you’re drunk so it can be a searching game for both you & the kids the next morning
My doctor said I need to eat more greens, so I got myself a pint of mint ice cream.
I know Chernobyl like the hand on my back.
Flock of bats
[girl chatting up guy at bar]
girl: so what do you do?
magician: i halve a girlfriend
Insomnia: Wanna see a magic trick?
Me: No
Insomnia: Cmon, you know you do
Me: Fine
Insomnia: Think of a number between 1 and 10,000
Me: Ok
Insomnia: Is it 1?
Me: No
Insomnia: Is it 2?
Me: …No
Insomnia: 3?
Me: …I hate you
Insomnia: Don’t tell me. Is it 4?
Well your honor, I thought handing her the curling iron while she was showering would get her ready faster.
I stopped writing poetry when I realized their only value was to threaten to read them to people if they didn’t do what I wanted.
It’s hilarious to me that every microwave has a “popcorn” button and every package of microwave popcorn says DO NOT USE POPCORN BUTTON
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
gas pump: see attendant
me: looks like i no longer need gas
Me: *gets on scale*
5yo: Whoa! That’s a lot of points!
My kids have trashed the house again but they also reminded me to buy the ice cream which I’m currently eating instead of cleaning the house, so I’ll give them a pass this time