wait a minute….
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Remember before Ebola, when we just had bola? Technology changes everything.
Fellas, don’t feel like you can’t offer your wife cooking tips, even after she spends all day making a delicious home cooked meal. And it doesn’t hurt to throw in “That’s not how my mom used to do it”.
I don’t always look like an uncombed, shaggy mess but when I do, please don’t report it as a Bigfoot sighting.
Look, you invented bread and I invented knives. Let’s combine forces and we could be the best thing since…well we’ll think of that later.
I really hope it’s a typo on your resume where it says you’re “goat oriented”.
A young musician left his
priceless Stradivarius violin
on a train in Germany.But it was returned…
no strings attached.Wait…what ?
Wife: pick a Halloween movie to watch.
Me: Harry Potter.
Wife: that’s not a Halloween movie.
Me: then why does it have witches?
Wife:
Me: and spells.
Wife:
Me: and flying broomsticks.
Wife: pick another movie.
Me: fine. Harry Potter number 2.
if you just show up to a delivery room in scrubs and carry a videocamera you can usually film like 7 or 8 births before they throw you out
do my glasses go over or under a balaclava i want to rob this bank just right.
I can’t wait to find out who’s playing Donald Trump in the next season of American Horror Story
You can get out of a TSA pat-down much faster if you keep whispering the word “slower” in the agent’s ear.
A fight or flight situation.
Like when you go to pick up your kid and the teacher’s walking towards you with “the look” on her face.
Have kids so you can regularly test the limits of your sanity by watching someone eat a starburst in 26 bites.
Every time I go to bed early my cat decides this is the night she will find and kill god
When we were dating my wife never once tried to take any of my hoodies. I have 3 teenage daughters and my hoodies are nowhere to be found.
I never saw it coming. Well played ladies.
Never thought I’d have to know a guy who knows a guy to buy toilet paper.
My son and daughter were just arguing, and as she was walking away he yelled at her “I HOPE BOTH SIDES OF YOUR PILLOW ARE WARM TONIGHT!”
I dunno but if I was a “doctor to the stars” I sure wouldn’t be bragging about it these days
got kicked out of another gang for bringing spinach casserole to the trap house
[terrorist meeting]
“Let’s hit Americans where they gather to shop”
But how will we find these Targets?
“Guys you’re not gonna believe this”
Cause of death: Trying to draw eyebrows on the neighbor’s cat.
Just how much toothpaste is IN this tube? Let’s squeeze it all out and see!
– Toddlers
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
[Doctor’s office]
Doctor: “OK. I have something to tell you. I think you should probably sit down”
Me: “No thanks. I’ll stand. What‘s up?”
*I get mauled by a tiger that was hiding under his desk
Doctor: “I wanted to tell you my pet tiger gets nervous when people are standing”
If you enjoyed calling strangers and hanging up when you were 10 years old, perhaps a career in telemarketing is for you.
Friend, at my first Pride: are you disappointed?
Me, dressed as a lion: no it’s fine
i’m no stephen hawking but i think
what happens is that they cancel
each other out
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
Gym trainer: are you looking to lose weight or increase cardio and fitness?
Me: I wanna look hot enough so people think I’m a bot
Sparkling homunculus??????? 🤣🤣🤣
