wait a minute….
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If they’re going to advertise “Shots available now!” they really should specify if it’s needle or drinky.
People be all walking and sneezing openly like it is 2019
[creation of insects]
LIGHTNING BUG: I will illuminate the night
BEE: I will pollinate flowers
FLY: I will eat shit and die
Please. Do not push me into the pool. The pockets of my cargo shorts are filled with packets of Kraft Mac & Cheese powder.
Sex but instead of moaning she yells YAAAAHAHAHOOOEEYYY like Goofy does evey time he falls
I think semi-colons have gotten a bad rap. They should be re-branded as super-commas.
People really don’t fall in wells like they used to.
Win every disagreement by saying ” I know. I’m from the future.” Because they can argue with you, but not science.
Us watching you attempt to outrun something you tried to pspspspspspsps after we specifically said not to
Rewatching Bram Stoker’s Dracula and I love Keanu’s gradual realization like bro I think this guy might be Dracula
Why call it income when it outgo from bank account so fast?
“I can’t possibly lose this if I put it here” I say to myself before completely forgetting where here is
If there was a game show where people have to find a phone charger before their phone dies I would win the million dollars
I successfully avoided the red-eye flight and got the much milder pink eye flight.
Me: I like to tweet the same way I dance
Friend: like a big dork?
Me: well I meant like nobody’s watching, but that works too I guess
Doing taxes in the 90s:
Clippy pops up
“I see you’re trying to scam the tax system. Would you like help?”
SCIENTIST: the earth is dying
ME: oh no how long do we have
SCIENTIST: 8 maybe 9 months
ME: so what you’re saying is no more condoms
BOSS: It’s come to my attention that you’ve disabled attachments for emails. You have to fix that.
BUDDHA: But attachments cause suffering.
Welcome to parenting, your kids will never want to speak to you until you’re on the phone speaking to someone else.
I wish gyms had a “montage” option
May or may not have just made a move on my best friend of a year by saying “what’s a little bouncing on it between friends” and I may or may not now be responsible for planning a date
I guess I could try to do “No Nut November” but I think it’ll be a REALLY white christmas if I manage it.
I was so excited. Thought I found an M&M at the bottom of my purse. It was only an earbud. I ate it anyway.
Thank heavens for community notes
I went to the gym today.
Just kidding, I walked down the block and yelled at the neighbor kids for screaming while I’m trying to nap.
if you watch the titanic backwards hundreds of disgusting sea zombies come together as a community and rebuild an old ship
Me: Hi, mom. I’m feeling tremendous guilt.
Mom: Why?
Me: Just thought I’d save you the effort.
*dangling legs in the ocean*
🦈: is for me 👉👈🥺
9yo: what kind of place is Centerfolds?
me: um, I think it’s a place to practice, like, folding stuff.
9yo: like clothes?
me: no they don’t have clothes there.
Bad weather is My way of temporarily punishing you. Bad climate is your way of permanently punishing you.