Wait a minute—if the cat’s in the cradle, then where—
*baby in kitchen, pushing glasses off table while maintaining eye contact
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I’ve never been a backseat driver. My arms aren’t long enough.
God: I’ve always regretted not making you the dominant species
Man: But you did—
Dog: She was talking to me
People in horror movies be like “this weapon just saved my life, I’m gonna toss it aside now”
“Man, for some reason I’m not hungry at all today”
“It was a full moon last night – we ate a bunch of villagers”
“Ah shit, I forgot. More like unaware wolf, amirite?”
When I canceled my gym membership, I had to submit a too weak notice
getting groceries
Replace someone’s MRI with a dancing skeleton gif once, and you’ll never be asked to deliver bad news again.
I wrote to the Bank: “My Cheque was returned with remark ‘Insufficient funds’. I want to know whether it refers to mine or the Bank?”
The preschoolers got to choose a free book from the book fair, so my kid came home with one we already have because she knows she likes it, and I can’t fault that logic
We need a streaming service that’s only ads. No shows, just commercials. They pay us $15 a month
I got a car wash 5 days ago and it hasn’t rained yet. Who broke the weather?
DATE: My ex was spineless & I don’t think I could date anyone like that again
ME, AN OCTOPUS: what
“If anyone has any reason Kim & Kanye should not be married, speak now or forever hold your peace.” -Taylor Swift’s moment of revenge
I asked my 7yo why she’s so cranky and she said “I just have a lot on my plate right now” at which point my 10yo literally took a fry off her plate and that was not the right move
Exactly when in American history did Americans stop having British accents?
My 9yo just made a “protein shake” out of milk, cookies and ice cream.
I’m making him my new nutritionist.
the host of the party told me to make myself comfortable so I went back home to bed
Her: Well, I don’t want to look a gift horse in the mouth…
Me: Then don’t floss in a mirror.
I love the new #ObiWanKenobi poster but I also realized it totally works as a Tums ad.
I was riding my bike this morning and a guy yelled “Cow” at me. I turned and gave him the finger…and ran straight into the cow.
Me: “I love you.”
4: “Thanks. I love Batman.”
[first time trying standup]
Me: So, I was talking to a friend recen-
*from the back* LOL YEAH RIGHT
Me: Please, mom, not now
If science is so great how come they haven’t invented a way to compliment someone’s smell without sounding like a serial killer
USA to Russia: “We’re imposing sanctions on you!! But please still allow us on your Soyuz so we can reach our Space Station”
Eating Taco Bell shouldn’t count for calories because it’s not around long enough
not to be confused with the baby elephant-sized meteor as heavy as 4 corgis!!
“Why won’t you loan a neighbor a cup of sugar?”
[ sigh ] “You’re a pile of ants wearing a bathrobe.”
[ bathrobe sags dejectedly ]
There are only two things in this world visible from space. One is the Great Wall of China and the other is my pile of laundry.