Wait a minute…
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Captain: relax, it’s just a title
Second Mate: WHAT DOES HE MEAN TO YOU
God created women and the devil taught her to smile.
There will always be a special place in my heart for my atrioventricular septum.
The airport is a lawless place. 7am? Drink a beer. Tired? Sleep on the floor. Hungry? Chips now cost $17
Boss: I’ve been told one of you is just a robot car in disguise
*everyone stares at me, even Optimus who is drinking oil instead of coffee*
What if T-Rexes really had long boneless tentacle arms and we didn’t know because we can only find bones?
It takes a smoke detector 4 months to stop beeping if you were wondering how lazy I am.
It was worth a shot 😂
Always be yourself…
Unless you run into one of your exes…
Then… Be a WAY more successful version of yourself…
Pet me.
More.
Yeah, that’s it.
Everywhere.
No, not there. *opens your vein*– cats
We need a kids TV show about a kid who can sit quietly in a shopping cart for 25 minutes.
[i read a pun]
me: ugh, no[i make a pun]
me: BEHOLD THE ARTISTRY
I don’t know at what age I started dressing like the upholstery of my grandma’s plastic wrapped furniture, but here we are.
Eats one hamburger- I’m full
Eats 10 tacos – I’m still hungry
Maybe Boeing should make their planes out of Legos. They seem to stick together better than whatever they’re using
Me: You’re on my VERY LAST NERVE!
2020: Nope.
I have to watch my thoughts carefully because I have no filter and just told a guy his shoulders look like they smell nice.
Just when you’ve built some confidence that you’re a smarter than average human, universe sends you captcha.
I Googled “Books for women in their 30s.” One of the results said “Books for women late in life.” I’m in my 30s, not moving to a retirement home.
3: I DON’T NEED YOU!!
Me: *already booking 1 ticket to the Bahamas*
At a concert if the band asks “How’s everyone feeling tonight” I’m like maybe we shouldn’t have built our country on an Indian burial ground
Dear God, make me a bird. So I can fly real high and then shit on people.
My college girlfriend texted me for the first time in 10 years this weekend and I’m 1 million percent sure this is Adele’s fault
babe wake up they’re canceling someone you’ve never heard of before
*robbers burst into bank*
EVERYONE PUT YOUR HANDS UPDOG
*bank manager frowns*
What’s updog?
WE’RE ROBBING THIS BANK WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
Googling “Can computer problems be caused by too many boogers in the keyboard?”
Very proud of how these turned out. I bought them from a store like a normal person.
Whenever I hear “let me tell you the truth”, I secretly cross my fingers, hoping they say “brownies are healthy, eat as many as you want.”
Me: *walks into room*
My cat, hanging by two paws, swinging from the lampshade: Hi.
Me: *walks back out of room*
I don’t use Tinder, I meet girls the old school way: never