Wait a minute…
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Olympic gymnast: does the most amazing thing I have ever seen in my entire life.
Announcer: Oh dear, that will be a point deduction.
I’ll never rob a store because I don’t want to see the police guess my weight on a wanted poster.
If I ever die in my sleep it won’t be in my bed. It’ll be in a meeting.
After spending 20 minutes trying to get my girlfriends bra off, I decided to give up.
I wish I’d never put it on in the first place..
My 1yo has been crawling around with a croissant in her hand all morning. Not eating it, just clutching it. I think it’s her Emotional Support Croissant.
It’s 100% legal to give cops the finger. But remember, it’s also apparently 100% legal for them to shoot and kill you.
Woke up in middle of night to write down something pressing and important.
*checks notes*
“Some form of ancient mop”.
big fan of the comma, just great. like look, i just made you pause the sentence as you read it. oh look, i just did it again.
6-year-old: What if dementors attack our house?
Me: They can’t get in.
6: Why not?
Me: My patronus is a screaming toddler.
“To boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What?”
“I said boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What happened to the to?”
“It split.”
When your whiskey stops people from entering your house.
~ Scotchgard
Ikea is like the Hotel California of furniture stores
Me: It’s late, and I’m so tired.
My brain: Let’s find a word that rhymes with tequila.
No one is going to sit in their death bed and think, “I wish I put in more hours at the office”
They’re going to think, “I wish I had corrected more people’s grammar on the internet”
Juliet: *Sees Romeo’s lifeless body* Eh, it was like 4 days.
Shakespeare: *From overhead* No, you’re distraught! You also want to kill yourself.
J: But, I’m only 13!
S: C’mon you agreed to this. You’re the lead!
J: Fine! *plunges dagger into heart*
– Shakespeare Pressure
[first time in a bed]
me: this blanket is really heavy
salesman: you’re supposed to lay on top of the mattress
I dont need glasses, they’re just making road signs smaller now
Passenger: That’s a billboard, and the road is over there
Life is not a fairy tale. If you lose your shoe at midnight, you’re drunk.
An email so annoying, you wanna return the computer to the store.
Which undead creature most enjoys playing hide-and-seek?
.
.
.
.
.
.
A wherewolf.#happyhalloween
I’m always a little suspicious of women who say that they don’t “remember things”
I started this account 7 years ago today. I just want to thank all of you for reading my stuff and never showing up to my house.
Drove past two First Baptist churches.
One of them is lying.
Going to one of those speed dating events, and every time a guy sits down in front of me, simply open a box of pizza to see if we are toppings compatible.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of half a pizza thinking it’s been long enough since I ate the 1st half to consider this a different meal
Me, dry heaving and wheezing: Everest was a mistake! I’m going to die alone on this godless wasteland
The Sherpa: Miss? We are still in the parking lot
Me: Tel the doctor I’m coughing up a lung and need to be seen ASAP.
Medical Clerk: That’s awful, hun. How about a month from Monday.
Have my doubts about this “smart water,” considering how easily it’s captured and bottled.
My boss: There are no stupid questions
Me: Do people get discounted manicures if they’re missing a finger?
My boss: I’m going home early
[finishing meal at rooftop restaurant] I’m ready to jump off whenever you guys are