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I’m going to break into your house and steal that thing with the little wheels on it under the plate in your microwave.
I once accidentally broke up with a girl on a broken-down train, when I said “I don’t think this is going anywhere.”
“Oh shit I murdered someone”
“You should turn yourself into the police”
“Great idea!” *puts on badge and hat* “Looks like a suicide to me”
“sixth cousins three times removed” is not related. i’m probably sixth cousins three times removed with a martian.
I’ve added lunges to my workout routine. It’s a big step forward.
I texted 8 on his iPad and asked him to call me and he said “I don’t have app for that” and I said USE A PHONE and he said “oh” and this is who’s supposed to take care me me when I’m old.
What doesn’t kill you, forces me to reload.
Parent teacher conferences in college:
Mom: how’s my son doing?
Prof: I’ve never seen this man in my life
STATUS: Using the flashlight on my phone to look for the keys that are in my hand so I can open my car cuz I think I left my phone in there.
What idiot called it the “number of Police Officers in the Precinct” and not the “Copulation”
Ugh warm weather is here, time to
de-Sasquatch-ify my legs.
Jared Leto’s primary preparation for his role as the Joker was changing his middle name to Stil
McDs: to recap, that is 6 McMuffins and 8 hash browns
Me: yep
McDs:. Great, give us a few minutes and we’ll bring it out to your family
Me: my what now?
A friend’s old roommate handmade guitars from Canadian maple with hand cut mother of pearl inlays. He showed me several works in progress and how many hours it took for each step. Truly a labor of love. I learned that day that if you follow your passion, you can bore anyone.
Explaining Jewish things to non-Jewish people makes you sound like you’re losing your mind. My little brother is getting married soon & had his “aufruf” & I repeated the word six times before being asked by my friend if I was barking at them.
is this store having a stroke wtf
Welcome to 40…your eyes are now like a camera someone doesn’t know how to focus.
Sometimes when I get a compliment I stop, moonwalk out of the room and yell “Thank You “just to leave them hanging.
the ADHD urge to use parenthesis in every sentence (because every thought comes with additional bonus content)
ignored emails coming back to bite me call that “night of the unread”
Important new ad I stuck up in town today. Experts only, please.
Wife: Whatchya thinking about?
Me: *Thinking about how dogs understand more English words than I understand dog words* Science stuff.
Think before you yell at your kids. They are the ones who might have to bring you toilet paper in 20 minutes
My wife claims watching me do karate “isn’t foreplay.” Why am I even alive.
me to a cat or dog: and are you the best baby? the fluffiest? are you the babiest baby of them all? do you get stopped every day and asked about how it feels to be a baby?
me to a real, human baby: good afternoon. i appreciate your small shoes.
7yo: Let’s not talk ALL day today
6yo: Ok!
Me: *holy shit yessss*
7yo: LET’S ONLY WHISTLE AND CLAP INSTEAD
Me: Right. Of course.
The longest 30 seconds of your life happen when you shut the router off to reset the WiFi
Tell a woman she has cute kids and she’s all proud.
Whisper it to her and she calls the cops.
. @kickitupanacho @funTweeters i’m not acting. i am proud of the honor. i love anybody who enjoys my tweets.
A haiku to my boss who asked me to work this weekend:
Ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha no