condom commercials should just be a live-feed of couples trying to enjoy a decent meal at a restaurant with their kids
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I’m not afraid of the Bermuda triangle or any triangle really. Even played at its most aggressive it’s just not a threatening instrument.
My new neighbor seems like a really nice guy. He just suggested trimming the trees that cover my bedroom window.
people are doing cold plunges and i’m like, when i take a bath the water is so hot you could boil pasta in it.
It’s so strange, my 5 yr old is only “starving to death” when he hears the word “bedtime”
What a random, consistent, coincidence
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
If my girl didn’t want me to wear her new Christmas thong, she shouldn’t have said she bought it “for me.”
Women are confusing.
Your neighbor is a sleeper agent, but not from one of the serious countries.
I bought a smart light switch but was regularly getting outwitted, so swapped it for a dimmer switch.
Captain Crunch is basically an exfoliator for your mouth
People who say “in and of itself” are responsible for most of the trouble in the world.
At my age I don’t need a Halloween costume to be scary, I just show up.
me: how do you like the future?
lincoln: it’s– omg stop the car
me: what is it?
lincoln: *pointing to ‘children at play’ sign* we have to warn them
Please stop telling me how you wish you had my curly hair. You don’t know the struggle of waking up looking like Mufasa.
Setting my alarm for 3am.
Going to text this to a coworker and go back to bed until 6.
Then we’ll be even.
*gets taste of own medicine*
Yep this is my medicine
1. Get preg
2. Transfer ur soul to fetus using
Satanic alchemy
3. Give birth to yourself
4. Old body dies
5. Be a baby
I know Taco Bell doesn’t have “I hate myself” sauce yet. But they should. They should.
I finished 3 books today. Believe me, that’s a lot of coloring…
I’m starting to think some of these Marvel movies might be made up.
“I take pride in my job. I transport the worlds most precious cargo”
-oh, u drive a school bus?
“LMAO Hell no! I’m a drug smuggler u nerd”
I’ve got 45 chairs in my garage from receptionists asking me to take a seat.
Filming my own version of “Taken” using cats. My cat will play Liam Neeson and the red dot from a laser pointer is his daughter.
I got a 6 month head start on No Shave November, so I think my chances of winning are pretty good this year.
[shampoo bottle falls in the bath]
all other bottles: WE ARE COMING FOR YOU, BROTHER
911: whats your emergency Me: Come quick, my son has swallowed a condom*Click 911: whats your emergency Me: It’s ok, found another one.
Guy on Tinder: I speak 12 languages
Me:
Guy on Tinder: I made my niece a yacht out of chewing gum, balsa wood, and macaroni
Me: *plays the kazoo perfectly with my left nostril
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol