Wait, Australia is 14 hours ahead of America? Thanks for the 9/11 warning!
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I wanna look like a snack this summer but I keep eating them
Like anyone has time to sit there and read 12,412 product reviews on Amazon.
[8 hours later]
Yeah, I’m def not buying this pillow.
Dear Satan…
For Christmas I want a cure for my dyslexia.
Can you fail a drug test from a mosquito bite?
Asking for the next person this mosquito bites.
The dental hygienist told me I have nice gums today and giggled, then she told me she was happily married. So I don’t really know what to believe
I taught my 4yo niece to play poker today. It got pretty cutthroat, & I’m now the proud owner of a Barbie Dream house & her entire Hatchimal collection.
I’ve cleaned the entire house so no one is allowed to live here anymore.
I used to hold the flashlight for my dad, but now I hold the flashlight for myself. I still can’t see anything. The same amount of swearing is involved.
Based on my experience with trying to find the restroom at Kohl’s, I would die first in the Hunger Games.
Mirena IUD Commercial on Hulu: “If you can’t keep a plant alive, you definitely aren’t ready to have a baby.”
Me to my kids sitting in the room WHO KNOW THEIR MOM KILLED A CACTUS ONCE: “Welp. This is awkward.”
The local kid haircut place (the kind where you sit in cars and planes) closed unexpectedly for a month and all the little kids are wandering around town looking like Tom Hanks in Castaway right before he built that raft
“Daddy, why do I have to go to school?”
“So you don’t end up like me”
“What, awesome?”
“Alright fine, no school today”
Real terror is the moment when you realize you’re about to sneeze with sore abs
D was probably like “lmao ok” when they named the alphabet the ABCs
At least men & women can agree on one thing: it feels AMAZING to take a bra off
Material possessions mean nothing to me.
*breaks phone*
I don’t think I can make it through this week.
All bottle caps are twist-offs if you have a prosthetic robot hand
A Viking in the midst of battle doesn’t have time to stop and cook dinner. WarDash™ brings your favorite meal right to your war.
If I litter my sidewalk and steps with those little pumpkins, does it keep people out or make them trip or what?
My wife says I’m wasting my time on Twitter.
She doesn’t understand the meaningful interactions I have with people.
I bet when spiders see those fake green cob webs on Halloween they must be like “Ugh, tourists”.
Big fight at Bible group. Jeff said Jesus was a liberal and Cheryl said Jeff gave her chlamydia
Cop: “what do you think you’re doing?”
Me: “just throwing these microwaves into the ocean to create super sharks”
*cop starts helping*
me: *kicks a stone*
mountain: my baby
The Man-whisperer. My dog at 6am.
There’s a big crane across the street from my work and I want it to reach over the street to us and deliver snacks at our front door
“Cute shoes! What material is that? Can I feel them?”
– I say, reaching under the bathroom stall
in lieu of flowers call my wife and pretend to be me from beyond the grave. my d.o.b. is 5/24 and my mom’s name is kathy.