wait did that Australian guy say “meteorite” or “mate are ya alright?”
*gets hit by a meteorite*
“hey mate are ya alri… no you’re dead*
You Might Also Like
me: hello 911
911: look, we’ve already asked your neighbor to return your leaf blower ok
Do those “selfie sticks” retract, or do you just have to walk around like a doofus with a stick all day?
People say eye contact is important when flirting, but when I put my finger in someone’s eye they never seem to like it.
FRIEND: Can I ask for a favor?
ME: *yelling over my shoulder as I bolt away* YOU CAN ALWAYS TRY.
This year my wife and I decided to make each other handmade gifts for Christmas. She knitted me a hat and I made her a grilled cheese sandwich.
“Are you happy, Ted? Now you know what that button does.”
He rose from mild mannered Social Studies teacher…
To vicious kingpin of a criminal cupcake empire.Coming soon to AMC:
“BAKING BRAD”
There were kids who did cartwheels.
There were kids who didn’t do cartwheels.
There were kids who thought they were doing cartwheels.
I schedule my tweets pretty far out in advance, so I might not be funny now, but I’ve got a banger coming in August of 2037.
If you want to set up a company and run it that’s your business.
Dracula: well? do I have any cavities?
Dentist: *using tiny mirror* hmm I… I can’t tell
San Andreas is just like Godzilla only Godzilla is invisible
”Been away?”
”Yeah just got back”
”Lucky you, anywhere nice?”
No, I always choose somewhere horrible…
The moderator on this ‘brainstorming’ conference call emphasized that there were “no dumb ideas,” a claim soundly disproven within the first few minutes of the discussion.
I’ve been collecting toe nails in a mason jar for over 12 years. Better to have ’em and not need ’em.
If you use karate instead of a knife your wife won’t ask you to cut the vegetables anymore
Girlfriend: *whispering* Have you ever thought of getting rid of that mole?
Me: He may be blind, but he’s not deaf
*changes voicemail recording to “your call cannot be completed as dialed. Please check the number and dial again
Never trust a woman sucking a candycane into a sword.
(gathered around the campfire, 1876)
Me: This meeting could have been a homing pigeon
Evolution: so I have some good news and some bad news for you
Dung beetle: what’s the good news
Evolution: you won’t ever have to worry about student loans
Dung beetle: phew wow that’s great! What’s the bad news?
Evolution: well
*sends you a 13-page love letter & introduces you to my parents in order to scare your hiccups away*
*you’re cured*
I hit a parked car today so naturally I left a note. It said “Die, Decepticons! Die!”
I told my 7yo that I’m a tired old man and he replied “you’re not an old man, you’re a NEW man” so if anyone is looking for a life coach I know a guy
Jewelry stores should just be like: Whether you’re trying to be nice or trying to get laid- we got you covered.
Fight fire with water. Idiots.
[plummeting from a huge cliff to my death] I’m hungry
‘Hit me with your pet shark’ #RuinAn80sSong
Housing rates are so insane that it’s even hard to find an affordable place on Elm Street these days
Hypothesis, hypotenuse and hippopotamus are the same words
Stay woke, sheeples