Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m closing my pizza parlor. The Board of Health revoked my slicense.

If a group of necrophiliacs ran into group of zombies…who would do the chasing?

Oh, I went there…;)

My son had a rough day so I played Fortnite with him and the lesson that I learned is that I hate Fortnite.

Me: Would you consider going out with a guy a little older than yourself?

Her: Well of course I would. Why, do you have a son?

Ring = she’s married

Nose ring = she’s married to a bull

Me: No more treats, pal. You’ve already had three.

Dog: Dude, you think I have any idea what “three” means? I’m not even sure how many legs I have.

Cute girl online: I have no idea how you’re single!

Me: Yeah I don’t know. They’re crazy I guess.

*eats ravioli out of the can with my keys*

He was a koi.

She was a squirrel.

Can I make it any less obvious?

Some people are like water balloons; they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.

Dating a guy with big hands is the best, at any time I can say “Babe, can you hold these 72 doll heads?”

And he can, he can hold them all.

Since summer is almost over here’s a list of all the places I got to visit:

1. Work

I had a beautiful pearl of wisdom to tweet but I dropped it on the ground and one of my dogs ate it. I should have it back in 12 hours or so

Technically, it’s not road rage once you pull into their living room.

[First Date]

Him: Great dress.
Me: Oh, this?

*flips hair*
*twirls*
*skirt flares*
*foot catches*
*face plants*

Him:
Me: Hey! Come back!

My biggest weakness has been that I get attached very quickly.

~Superglue, probably..

Me: I think it’s time to get rid of that beard.
Beard: Dude?! I’m like right here!
Me: Yeah, you becoming self-aware is part of the problem.

Don’t mess with me. I will pull on one of your hoodie strings to make them uneven.

Before I was married people told me about date night but they never mentioned it just meant folding laundry together

“Suicide Squad” looks like a bunch of people Avril Lavigne hangs out with.

They’ve let the kids out of school in advance of the bad weather so it’s our duty as adults to nod & greet one another in town with “Storm’s comin.”

jigsaw: WHEN YOU MADE AN L FOR LOSER THAT WAS THE L I WAS TALKING ABOUT
me: i did an L so you could see it, which means that was my right hand. genius
jigsaw: YOU KNEW YOUR RIGHT HAND FROM YOUR LEFT ALL ALONG
me: i know my hands, not my feet

*feeds you Cheetos while running my fingers through your hair*

if cupid went bow hunting would the deer population increase or decrease?

He doesn’t bite he is more into sabotage

How to NOT wear your Disney Jumper.

Sorry I haven’t tweeted in a couple of days. My kid followed me from room to room making really obnoxious whale noises and I feel like I’ve gotten a taste of my own medicine

I thought I had a Twitter Crush but his wife thought otherwise

Only 2 more days till the day after tomorrow

Your call is very important to us. So please enjoy this 40 minute flute solo.