wait did that Australian guy say “meteorite” or “mate are ya alright?”
*gets hit by a meteorite*
“hey mate are ya alri… no you’re dead*
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Never thought I’d be the type of person who competes for attention. Then I got a cat.
Twitter when Franz Ferdinand got shot would have been the best day ever
Who called it a wolf in sheep’s clothing and not a woolf?
She left me because I am insecure.
No wait, she’s back.
She just went to get a glass of water.
If it weren’t for addiction, I could have been a supermodel.
Bread is a hell of a drug.
[In line at Starbucks]
[Woman behind me talking] I work in an office with 50% men so-
[Excitedly turn around] OMG YOU WORK WITH CENTAURS
Netflix: “Are you still watching? Do you have any hobbies?”
What do you call a sheep covered in chocolate?
A candy baa
#DadJoke
I’m sorry I said take me to church because I needed a ride to the liquor store nearby.
Never know who you’ll run into at the gas station!
Just a friendly reminder folks.
Don’t forget to set back your rooster this weekend.
I’m following around cop cars all day to let them know how it feels.
Wanna know what it’s like being married?
Chain yourself to a wild animal.
Now kick the animal.
I think people would be more into libraries if you didn’t get your card revoked every time you climb to the top of the bookshelf to reach for an ancient spellbook thereby knocking one shelf into another and so forth in a domino-like fashion until the entire library is wreckage
I have no passwords left in me
3200 BC: Man invents written language and abandons hieroglyphics
2023 AD: Man abandons written language in favor of memes
I woke up to someone snow blowing their driveway at 6 AM. I taught him a lesson by locking him outside.
I’m not racist. White people scare me too.
A big dipper? in this astronomy?
Lost my watch at a party once. I saw a guy step on it while harassing a girl. I walked up and punched him straight on the nose. I said: No one does that to a girl…not on my watch.
Me: No more treats, pal. You’ve already had three.
Dog: Dude, you think I have any idea what “three” means? I’m not even sure how many legs I have.
Me: I haven’t been able to keep the house clean for 10 years
My 10 year old: Hey that’s how old I am
Me: What a coincidence
I wear my heart on my sleeve, my kidney on my pants, help I don’t think this surgeon is licensed
Got capsaicin in my eye again. I, justly, blame the squirrels.
I love how my dog hears me in the kitchen and runs in, as if expecting to magically see four hamburgers and a steak just laying on the ground.
*i put two straws in my drink*
gf: awhh 🙂
me: hell ya double barrel
*i use both straws*
grandparents are too precious for this world
captain: any leads in the diarrhea case
detective: nothing solid
I keep pepper spray in my purse just in case any peppers try to attack me.