wait did that Australian guy say “meteorite” or “mate are ya alright?”
*gets hit by a meteorite*
“hey mate are ya alri… no you’re dead*
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My son has come up with what he calls “skeleton kisses”, where he touches his teeth to your forehead or cheek when he kisses you so it feels like bones touching you.
Isn’t that precious?
No. He’s 20.
Me: can’t I have to go see my therapist
Them: you’ve got to stop calling your bed that
“Man did I just waste $7?”
-Vampire in the carnival Hall of Mirrors.
There’s no crisis in life that frying a potato can’t solve
Fun Prank: put a live turtle and a tiny pair of nunchucks in your toilet before your guests arrive
DATE: My last boyfriend was such trash.
ME: *3 raccoons in a trench coat but trying to play it cool* I would not have liked that.
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
8yo: Dad, can I eat on the couch?
Me: Sure, as long as you’re carefu-
8yo: I spilled my drink
Me: Of course
my kid was complaining she’s bored so I found her a tutorial on mining Bitcoin.
Bully gets me in a headlock not realizing my entire head is pre-slathered in fish oil and I just slip right out! The janitor chants my name.
*after spending a solid 15 minutes listening to someone describe a tv show I’ll never watch*
I’ll definitely check it out.
If you’re not following me and received this tweet, it’s because someone is smarter than you.
Two companies that hate each other? Probably KIA and …Nokia
Them: can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Me: Can you explain your haircut?
This guy’s not having it 😆
DM: hi I’m Emily and I live in your area 💋
Me: big whoop Emily I live here too
I just drank all of the Christmas presents I bought for everyone
The worst thing about wearing a turtleneck is not being able to get up off of your back if you fall over.
Me: We need to rewatch the movie we had on last night because I fell asleep.
Family: Puts on last night’s movie.
Me: Falls asleep.
Morgan Freeman is in so many movies, I bet he just wanders onto film sets and says,”I’m in this now.”
i’m just in the middle of doing some push ups. well actually i’ve just dropped a packet of M&Ms and i’m searching for the ones that rolled under my couch but same thing right
As kids, we wondered why our parents were always in a bad mood.
Now we’re like, okay yes this makes sense.
Who called them dentures and not substitooths?
ok i’ll bite.. what is Britain
[First day as a teacher]
Me: *practicing in the mirror* You’ve got this, you’re gonna do great.
[Later]
Student: May I use the restroom?
Me: *laughing* I DON’T KNOW, MAY YO- oh dammit
[blind date]
HIM: so Paul says that you’re a real charmer *smiles*
ME:*whips out three snakes from my bag and a flute* you bet i am
Someone in my daughter’s class gave her a whoopee cushion for Valentine’s Day and now the bar is set. She may never love a gift as much as this one, guys. 🤪
i don’t understand all these newfangled apps. like “phone”
Is there a college degree for opening a new box of cereal in the pantry before the old box of the same brand is finished? If so, that’s going to be my daughter’s major.
[eating something that until 40 years ago was considered a once-in-a-lifetime delicacy only fit for royalty]
Me: it’s a little cold 😤