wait did that Australian guy say “meteorite” or “mate are ya alright?”
*gets hit by a meteorite*
“hey mate are ya alri… no you’re dead*
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Telling a child to wipe his hands on the napkin 8 inches in front of him instead of his shirt is a great way to get rid of excess breath.
I’m gonna keep wearing a mask after this pandemic is over. I can’t go back to worrying about how my breath smells like Doritos and garlic and coffee.
Never mess with a drunken pig.
Drug dealer: What do you want?
Me: Please give me 17 of your finest *checks note on hand* marriage o’wannas
Her: I can’t believe you got us kicked out of my cousin’s wedding.
Me: They totally overreacted. People have been throwing rice at newlyweds for centuries!
Her: Pork fried rice??
Just once I’d like to walk down the aisle, take my vows, say I do…
Without being dragged out being told, “Ma’am, you’re not the bride…”
*House Hunters
“Greg and Tina have been looking for months. She needs a house that ‘flows,’ and now he longs for the sweet relief of death. Can they both get what they want?”
Me: To the window; to the wall.
Realtor: Just to be clear we are discussing your house showing.
Mathematics was simple until they added English to it
genie: you can’t wish for more wishes
me: okay, i wish for the best contract lawyer in the world
genie: okay weird but *poof* here’s alan
me: hey alan, find some loophole in this genie’s bylaws that gets me more wishes
alan: *to genie* this is the fifth time this month
I embrace aging gracefully
And bitterly
With good humor
And rage
They stopped making ghosts just after the civil war. You’ll never see a ghost with a man bun or hitting a juul
Most of my trips into Home Depot are to fix something that I screwed up after my previous trip to Home Depot.
I’m a strong independent woman, but like, against my will.
The writing’s on the wall because I have a 4 year old
If you are thinking about leaving Twitter because so many of your old friends have already left, remember I’m still here. And that’s another good reason to leave
I don’t sit crossed legged to be classy, I’m holding my tampon in
I don’t know what I just witnessed, but this guy was swirling his glass of wine so fast, like a washing machine on it’s final spin, that I asked if he could do my laundry.
“How about we go with a gerund, but, like, maybe just half a gerund.”
– How ING Bank got its name
Parenting is like I would take a bullet for you but if you leave one more dirty Kleenex lying around I’m going to kill you myself.
hate it when I go “whatever, this is the next persons problem” and the next person is me.
I use the Toy Story defense when I go out in public. When someone sees me, I just freeze and hope they don’t figure out I’m a real person
“I took care of your clown problem.”
Throw the donuts in a food dehydrator so you can fit more in your wallet.
The most realistic scene in Star Wars was when Darth Vader lost his cool during a staff meeting and used the force to choke a coworker.
I heard someone say they were happy just to be upright and I thought that was weird because lying down is amazing.
Why does my mustard bottle insist on peeing in my sandwich before dispensing my mustard?
DATE: You hear that an ostrich escaped from the zoo?
ME: [from the kitchen] No
DATE: Oh. What’s for dinner?
ME: A suspiciously large chicken
I don’t know, just add a romantic vampire.
~The 2000’s
