Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Woke up in middle of night to write down something pressing and important.
*checks notes*
“Some form of ancient mop”.

If I was Snow White you’d never be able to kill me with an apple…you’d have to poison an eclair or something…

I just smiled to everyone I invited over to watch football as I turned it off and started the puppet show.

My wife put a Jason Momoa poster on the ceiling and now she wants to have sex with the lights on, I call it a win though cause now I don’t have to feel around on the nightstand for my Oreos.

Being off twitter for so long gave me the time to appreciate what’s really important in life, so I’m back on twitter

Apparently you can’t make a baby by adding water to baby powder, so don’t waste your time.

I tried a little tenderness and now I’m trying blunt force trauma.

My wife: Our daughter played Godzilla with her friend at school today.

Me: Wow! What were you?

Toddler: Godzilla!

Me: And what was your friend?

Toddler: Scared!

[Jesus goes over the bill at the last supper]
“Why would-[closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose]-Why would anyone order wine?”

I love when a company announces it “parted ways” with an executive, like they wistfully waved goodbye to each other at a foggy train station, instead of the guy being marched out the door by security with a box in his hands.

“I’ll vote for a Democrat when hell freezes over.” — Texas Republicans

“Deal.” — Mother Nature

My therapist: You cannot be in gratitude and have resentment at the same time.

Me: OK I am grateful for this list of my enemies. It helps me to resent them in a very organized way.

A man was hospitalized with 6 plastic horses up his bum. Doctors described his condition as “stable”. #manicmonday

My girlfriend and I met through a dating agency for dolphin impersonators. The minute we met we just clicked

Pal: I thought you weren’t supposed to eat for an hour after taking that medicine.

Me: Grapes aren’t food. They’re itty bitty water balloons.

Should my wife be taking this long to finish the corn maze she entered on Halloween?

*Passing the same coworker in the hallway more than once:

Don’t look at me, I already said “Hi” to you.

My favorite part of the Passover story is when Moses challenges Pharaoh to a non violent debate and then frees the Jews by defeating him in the marketplace of ideas.

Me: *considering sleeping in*

My dog: No no no no no let’s go let’s go let’s gooooo.

[Office]
Secretary: Mr. Grey will see you now.
Anastasia Steele: I have a ridiculous name.

Wife: Can you turn on the oven?

Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of oven]

Wife: why for everything

Why I hate technology:

Most of my lightbulbs now have a longer life expectancy than me.

“…She is survived by one son , three porch lights and one ceiling fan bulb”

Death: your time has come.

Me: no! not now!

Death: yes now.

Me: but… I have to poop?

Death: ……damn it. Go on then.

Me: wow that actually worked.

My toddler: *nods sagely*

I hit a pothole so hard the woman on the radio bit her tongue

You better check your child’s halloween candy bc I’m giving out polyhedral dice this year, and if you thought drugs were bad just wait until you see how addicting D&D is.

{On Tinder}

ADAM: *Swipes right*
EVE: *Swipes left*
GOD [clears throat and presses intercom]: Eve can i have a word with you please

Doctors, soldiers, firefighters. These are all respected positions. But the position I respect most as a parent

Is a driver’s Ed instructor

Every day I’m hoping is the day we find out why Beth from FB had enough but didn’t want to talk about it.

a cool magic trick woud be if a magiciam puts their hand in a hat & sombody wearin a hat in the audience sudenly feels a hand on their head

Any animal that has a face CAN SPEAK. They’re just being stubborn.