Wait.
Did we ever figure out what it means when you match with your therapist on Tinder?
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[to an inflatable tube man waving outside a car dealership]
i feel like you’re overreacting. these are moderate savings at best
Drilling for oil is well boring.
I’m so glad our local rats are getting to go on vacation
just responded to every text i haven’t replied to in weeks by sharing my wordle which i got in 2 guesses
perfume should come with instructions
like on medicine: Dab LIGHTLY on pulse
points Do NOT marinade in event of
overdose take shower
you’re suing Gatorade because you mixed red and yellow and it didn’t taste like orange?
me: not even a little bit your honor
police: come out with your hands up.
me: no.
police: why not?
me: you’ll tickle my ribs.
police: will not.
me: promise?
police: promise.
me: ok *comes out with my hands up*
police: someone’s… TICKLISH!
me: nooooo
Expressing laughter as “tee-hee” is only acceptable in written form.
Everybody knows that.
If you go to a ghost-themed party and they start burning a giant wooden cross, then you’re not at a ghost-themed party. And you’re an idiot.
Gonna name our dog Sock so I can say “Come, Sock” over and over again at the dog park
The first time I stayed at my girlfriends’ house, her dad wouldn’t let us sleep together.
Shame, he’s very attractive.
[At the coroners’ to identify a body]
Me: “Yep. That’s a body all right.”
my kid thought that we eat kidneys and liver from humans
what scares me is that she didn’t care
Come on Canada, first Celine, then Nickelback, NOW Bieber!? Are you TRYING to provoke a war?
Imagine being in a band with Freddie Mercury and thinking “maybe I’ll sing this next one”
‘Perfectly preserved 90s Burger King’ is the result I want from a skincare product
Nephew just whispered something into a Cadbury Easter Bunny’s ears then broke off its head.
I’m sleeping with the lights on.
Why I’m no longer allowed to pick outdoor games me and the kids play
8yo: Gotcha, Daddy
Me: (in a huff from running) Ok, so I have to stay place, now?
9yo: yes
Me: So I don’t have to run around anymore?
9yo: right…
Me: SWEET
9yo: is this why you keep picking freeze tag?!
I can’t stop canceling dates. it feels incredible. this guy thought he was gonna find out how many siblings I have and now that mystery will follow him to his grave
An hour of interrogation later and the cat still has not revealed the location of the 4 missing puzzle pieces
Toddlers LOVE to help. Then they get older and are actually able to help… Which is when they start to roll their eyes and complain.
“sandwich” please this thing cost me $18 it’s a “handheld”
Yoga Instructor: and finally we move into downward-facing dog.
Me: you forgot updog.
Yoga Instructor: what’s up-
Wife: -NOOOO!
“Moooooooo”
– bilingual donkey
me [sliding my therapist 20$]: so what’s my problem, doctor?
therapist [loudly]: you’re just too good at sex, unbelievably good
hot ikea salesman: ok firstly you can’t do this here, secondly what
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
Holy shit. I just remembered I was in Twilight.
Me: “If I need another drink, do you prefer if I rattle my glass or snap my fingers?”
Her:
Standing on the corner with a cardboard sign that says ‘will work around red flags.’
Kids will take 47 minutes to put on their socks and shoes then want someone to time them to see if they can take a bath and brush their teeth in 90 seconds.