Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hate grocery shopping. That’s why I just steal a full cart when somebody turns away. I never know what I’m getting, but it sure is faster.

If they can put a man on the moon they can make a pair of glasses that scream before you sit on them

Call me crazy but “dropping the ball” does not sound like a good way to start off a new year.

Jaws (1975): A shark is murdered on his vacation.

A horror movie but it’s just a married couple trying to work from home and one of them is chewing

I think something went wrong here?!🤔

When I finished a one on one session with a first grader he pulled back his chair and said I need a strong cup of coffee.

Nailed it!👇🏻🤣🤣😆

7: Mom! Will you play Uno with me?? I already have it set up and I definitely didn’t look at the cards before!

Me: Well I’m convinced.

A conversation with your ex is a great way to clear the air, set aside hard feelings, and remind yourself why you drink.

Me: *Spitting out teeth*

Her: Omg what happened?

Me: I ate too many of them

I get my Kung Fu skills from taking off a sweaty sports bra after a workout.

[First day of jury duty]

*whispers to fellow juror* Psst. Hi! Sorry, first day in court haha. So when does the jester perform?

Subtle cannibal alert: people who call their friends “peeps” around Easter.

My wife has given me some birthday cake to take to my friends at work.

They do not know about it.
She will never know if they received it.

I now have what I like to call “my cake.”

*handing nurse a bedpan*
Me: I pooped in this

Nurse: you’re not a patient here

What do you get when you cross a centipede with a parrot?

A walkie-talkie.

#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning

[walks in meeting late]
“Sorry I was busy with important-”
SIRI (from pocket): OK here’s what I found on the web for are hot dogs sandwiches

“I MUST tell you,” said a lady with breathless excitement, stopping us suddenly as we walked down Bermondsey Street last night, “I MUST tell you that you are wearing the same clothes as that building.” and skipped off

People only want to do drugs named after women: Mary Jane, Molly, Lucy (in the Sky with Diamonds). No one wants to snort some Craig.

Boyfriend’s on the phone talking to a guy about lattes and his love of peach scones.
I’m on the couch wondering when our periods synced.

Going to a Kenny G concert must feel like being on hold for two hours.

This recipe’s great because you probably have all the ingredients on hand! OK let’s start: grind your caribou horn down til you have half a teaspoon of powder…

Today, I went to the bathroom without my phone… there are 107 tiles on my floor

judge: do u swear to tell the truth

me: dare

judge: what

me: i choose dare instead

judge: [whispering to bailiff] is that legal

Reading my shopping list and finding “a shit ton of oats” clearly in goat handwriting again

We need a grocery store aisle for 4-year-olds’ unreasonable requests:

– Chicken nuggets but with fish (NOT fish sticks, are you insane?)
– Cold hot chocolate, but the marshmallows still melt
– Crackers with fewer crumbs (ok, that one’s for the parents, but still)

THE HORROR!
*splat
THE TRAGEDY!
*splat
IT’S AWFUL!
*splat
SO MUCH BLOOD!
*splat
WHY IS THIS HAPPENING?!
*splat

-It’s raining men.

Buddhist Monk: thinking is the cause of human suffering so we must let go of the mind. This takes many years

me: you want to lose your mind?

BM: yes

me: and you aren’t allowed to marry and have children

BM: right

me: ah, I see the difficulty