wait do british people think smashing pumpkins means really good pumpkins?
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how to talk to a woman wearing headphones:
1. be the artist she has currently chosen to listen to through her headphones
just baked a deliciously fragrant apple pie. gonna leave it to cool on my windowsill. should be fine
Her: I’m done with you and everybody who looks like you.
Me: What did Wilford Brimley ever do to you?
Police – OPEN UP OR WE ARE COMING IN
Me- SOUNDS GREAT CAN YOU GRAB MY CHARGER FROM MY CAR
it’s “wake up little susie” because no one wanted to mess with big susie
Theres a new machine at the gym. I only used it for 1 hr because I started to feel sick but its awesome! Its got Skittles, M&M’s…everything!
To find out your dolphin name, lick your finger tips and rub a balloon.
is the cheesecake factory menu on audible bc i’m not reading all that.
I never feel more alive than in those 2 seconds between:
Me: “i’m just gonna say it”
and
My Brain: *you’re an idiot
Reading your horoscope is just trying to determine your future based on when your parents had sex.
[montage of me giving-up]
listen, i know shrek isn’t REAL, i was simply asking if it was based on a true story,
fiat earther: nasa are lying to us, all of the pictures of the earth are fake
me: ok but even if that were true, why would it make the earth flat?
fiat earther: it isn’t, it’s shaped like an Italian car, didn’t you read my name?
When the birds sing at 4 am it’s “beautiful” and “a part of nature” but when I do it, it’s all “shut up or I’ll call the cops”, and “why is it always Bell Biv Devoe.”
trainer: Why are you here?
everyone else: To get fit!
me [with a mouthful of gummy bears] Mmfff
Right before I left the house my wife asked me if I filled out my organ donor information and now I’m hesitant to start the car.
I’m that much of an introvert, I think plenty of people think I’m dead already. So I’ll just turn up to Halloween parties as myself tonight and scare the shit out of everyone.
AOL has been hacked. Users have also been asked to check their Atari settings for possible compromise.
As a scarecrow, people say I’m outstanding in my field. But hay, it’s in my jeans.
As a holiday tradition on Christmas Day, all Christmas presents are checked with our drug dog.
Those deemed suspicious, are mine.
[being choked to death]
Me: harder
Murderer: wait, what?
Me: again pls
Murderer: ffs, I’m out of here
I keep a chalk outline of myself drawn outside my house so any murderers think, “dang, someone’s already got the murdering covered here”
“Have you met my other half?”
– Former magician’s assistant and victim of tragic “sawing a woman in two” trick.
My therapist encouraged me to stop bending over backwards for people. But just between us, I really miss yoga.
My 9-year-old is very passionate about learning to play the piano. She’s even more passionate about learning to play the piano at 6:37 in the morning.
Super disappointing that the government is taking so long to distribute and administer the murder hornets
The Moon: *shines through my window at night and doesn’t let me sleep*
[Next Night]
Me: *pointing a flashlight at the moon* haha take that you piece of shit
[Romeo below the balcony in 2022]
“I brought chicken”
Me: I could never be a lawyer. Too many details to remember
Also me: [argument w/bf] I’d like to bring the defendant’s attention to Argument Transcript B: article 5, section 2; subsection 2(c) CLEARLY shows defendant made the waitress laugh, THRICE, at dinner last Saturday night
Priest: Do you take this woman do be your lawful wedded wife?
Yoda: Do I
Priest: That’s what I’m asking
Yoda: *long sigh*