Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Thanks to auto correct, my wife thinks I want to check out Stranger Thongs tonight.

HER: I’m leaving u

ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia

HER: yes

ME:

HER:

ME: did the dog put you up to this

[coffee shop]
*casually puts arm around wife*
*reaches up to Free Wifi sign with a pen*
*changes last “i” to an “e”, draws downward arrow*

🎶 I’m a joker
I’m Al Roker
I’m a forecast broker
Looks like Tuesday there’ll be sun 🎶

Sure, it starts off with orcas destroying boats, Next thing you know, they’re chasing my Chevy Spark down I-44.

Picture me and my boyfriend on a dinner date

Wrong

We’re sitting on the same side of the table making you uncomfortable

I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats.

*amasses epic army of stoners but we do nothing because epic army of stoners*

Wife: I think my husband is spying on me.
Friend: You’re probably overreacting.
Me: *dressed as a bartender* Can I get you ladies a drink?

[sliding $5 to the zookeeper]
Maybe one of those penguins ends up in my car?

Just walked in front of my cat’s screen while he was on a zoom call.

I haven’t been to Target since February. I wonder how it’s even staying in business without me.

Me, at a Renaissance Fair: Well actually, that type of staff is inappropriate for the type of wizard you are portraying.

My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs…

I’ve been his customer for 6 years.

I had no idea he was a barber.

Day 3 of my thirty minute DIY project

Instead of going to couples therapy, married people should just join Tinder and see what a nightmare single people have to deal with

It may only be 9:15am, but I already hit my step goal for today because my mother-in-law is here and I keep leaving every room she enters

While it’s impossible to pick a favorite child, it’s easy to identify the one who isn’t your favorite at the moment.

I heard you like bad boys?

*jumps in pool after eating without waiting an hour*

Sup.

Wife: Why is there a bouncy castle in the garden?
Me out of breath with no shoes on: I’m not sure.

I knew my gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching

CLIENT: remember what i said
HITMAN: yeah make it look like my little brother
CLIENT: huh
HITMAN: an accident
CLIENT:
HITMAN: i do comedy too
CLIENT: are you any good
HITMAN: i always kill
CLIENT:
HITMAN: that was a joke
CLIENT: ah

The decibel level of my car singing is not commensurate with my talent

Nice hourglass figure, girl. Wanna come back to my place and stand on your head so my friends and I can keep time while we play Pictionary?

person: ur a toxicologist? what’s the wildest poison u know

me: actually anything can be a poison in the right dose, even water or–

person: *losing interest*

me: *sighs* ok so there’s a poison that gives u smoking luminescent poop

[on a date at butterfly conservatory] they serve the best wings here

Friend: Can I borrow a pen?
Me: Sure!
*looks in purse*
*pulls out perfume, 17 Hershey kisses, a stapler & a baby goat*
Me: Sorry, no pen. 🙁

Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.

Apparently you can’t use the “don’t make me turn this car around” threat if your kids never wanted to go in the first place

me: can we discuss my crippling fear of elephants?

therapist: i’m all ears

me: *screaming*