Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My doctor just finished my physical and then crossed out “organ donor” from my driver‘s license?

If I ever get trampled to death by a herd of cattle I want my obituary to say I was pasturized. Thanks.

WestJet is cancelling flights ahead of the long weekend due to a strike notice. Said Air Canada “pffft, they’re giving a REASON? Amateurs”.

(from the bottom of a well) is this the trap

well maybe the Bible is misspelled and my angle tattoo is fine.

With my pasty white skin, ample curves, & hatred of manual labor, I would have dominated the 16th century.

I know karate and tons of other words.

i thought i was being cool by telling a young barista that her t-shirt had my friend’s band on it, and she said, “oh i really respect the older generation”

[in Walmart]
“Excuse me, do you have towels?”
“Oh, I don’t work here.”
[leans in close]
“I don’t give a shit where you work.”

*Starts cutting the chicken of the person next to me at a dinner party out of habit*

Terribly Tuesday.

The moment I said “iligalbility” I knew it was time to put the glass of wine down.

That and the fact that the bottle was empty.

According to my accountant, I’ll have to postpone my trip to Australia until the continents drift back together.

“And the Oscar for Best Actress goes to…..Beyoncé?”

*Kanye slowly sits down*

I need some sun. My legs are so white they just drove to Whole Foods in their Prius.

IF YOU CHOOSE NOT TO DECIDE, YOU STILL HAVE MADE A CHOICE is something I like to shout at people who hold up the line at Taco Bell.

If by “social butterfly” you mean I will take off when you come near me, then yep.

Standing naked in front of the mirrors trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner.

Home Depot manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”

me: I’m going to the store to get bread

wife: if they have eggs, buy a dozen

[later]

wife: did they have eggs?

me: *carrying 12 loaves of bread* yes

Love how Google seems to know everything I’m doing before I even think about it, but Google Maps needs me to completely type out an address before it knows I’m not looking for driving directions from the US to India.

My husband in the next room of our small old house trying to store away the unreasonable bounty he brought home from Costco tonight: “I have made errors. Why did I think we had this much room for pancake mix?”

I noticed the trim on one of our garage doors was hanging weirdly. I figured no big deal as these are pretty old garage doors so I started to fix it…

5 yo: Mommy did that.

Me: Did what?

5 yo: She hit that with her car.

Me: Wow bro. Sold out your own mother.

*puts on pickle costume*
*gets stuck in pickle costume*
*calls friend*
Could you please help me?
I’ve gotten my myself into a pickle.

Make new friends by waking up strangers with forehead kisses after they’ve fallen asleep on the train.

[a handsome man falls and cuts his hand]

Me: *tries to rip the hem of my dress to make a bandage, like a Regency heroine, but I’m too weak*

[When water has one thing in it]
SOCIETY: That’s gross you have to throw it out.

[When water has many things in it]
SOCIETY: That’s soup it’s food now.

Yes officer, I know my driving is not 100% perfect, but you have to agree that it is still pretty good for someone who is completely drunk.

So basically life is cancelled
Except work

How convenient

Airports shops be like, sure you’ve got everything? here, buy a surfboard just in case you forgot to pack one

[my dog poops]

man: pick it up!

[my dog poops faster]