Wait for it
You Might Also Like
I’m not fat. I’m famine proof.
ㅤ THE CORONAVIRUS
PROS: CONS:
-Alone time – Might die
-Cool facemasks
-Can horde toilet
paper without
seeming weird
-Might die
My fantasy football season is going great
I told my friend he’s a bad thief. He’s not taking it well.
google just released their AI and all I’m going to say is that ur jobs are safe
If you wanna win a battle in the Middle Ages best be sure someone’s playing the bagpipes.
Starting my own Mafia! Looking for:
1. About 5-6 oafish goons
2. A “supply guy”
3. Level 4 Mage
4. ????
5. Someone named Tony
BREAKING NEWS ~ Janet on Facebook is having chicken salad for dinner tonight.
My daughter actually submitted this feedback at school. Not sure if I should ground her or buy her ice cream…
Why did they call it K-pop and not Seoul music?
[drops son off for 1st day at daycare]
“Ok, Mr Hughes, see you at 3 o’clock.”
“Not a chance. He’s your problem now.”
Dr: We need you to come back for additional blood work…
Me: Why, is something wrong?!
Dr: Yes. Your blood sample was mostly champagne…
The guy in the car behind me is really taking a no man left behind approach to picking his nose
casino dealer: ok all bets on the table
cat: [pushes bets off the table]
dealer: stop that are you in or out
cat: YES
It’s always funny when the flight attendant says “we know you have a choice of airlines” as if free will exists.
If you look in your bathroom mirror & say “Donald Trump” 3 times, the hair in your shower drain rises up & starts yelling racist slurs.
black phone good
I would’ve worn my short shorts and my striped tube socks if I knew I was going to be walking around in sepia tone all day
Larry Hagman- dreams of Jeannie
Larry Hangman- d_ea_s _f _ea_ _ie
More like “wife is home” vs “wife’s not home”.
My neighbor’s cat got into the booth with me when I was testing my teleportation device and now there’s cat hair all over my genes.
Nobody ever appreciates all the work I put into perfecting my karate moves. It’s always “you can’t do crane kicks here” and “ma’am please leave the zoo immediately”.
Mother in law: why do you grow so much sage? You don’t even cook with it.
Me: I burn it when you leave.
The only recipes they have online are where I’m the one who’s supposed to buy all this stuff and then make it. That’s not what I’m looking for
How come we never describe an arsonist as someone who lit up a room?
My daughter just told me she likes a boy, so I sent him 12 pictures of my gun collection…being a dad is awesome.
Me: One day, when you’re older, I’m gonna come to your house and ask you for a snack every 5 min and beg you to take me places and buy me stuff constantly
9yo: …and I’ll say no to all of it, just like you do
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
Me: *squirting air bubbles into the sea monkey tank
7: I didn’t know those things were still alive.
M: That’s why you don’t have a dog.
Whenever someone asks me “ what do your tattoos mean?” I just say “garlic bread” . The end.