Wait for it
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People think I’m good at keeping secrets but the truth is I’m just bad at paying attention to what you told me.
People always tell me to act my age so I bought expensive cheese.
Got food poisoning and the restaurant offered me a voucher for a free meal. You know, because they didn’t get me the first time.
The date was going splendidly until my mom called and we argued over my curfew in front of her.
Her: It wasn’t all bad. There were good times, right?
Me: Yeah my mom took me to Legoland once when I was 12.
Her: I meant good times with us.
Me: Oh lmao absolutely not.
Just rolled a joint. Not to get high or anything. It was just my ankle
Cop: I pulled you over because your driving has been erratic
Me: oh, I think the guy in my trunk was trying to communicate with me via Morse code
Cop: what
Me: what
Thank goodness I have subtitles on, otherwise how would I know there is sinister cackling
According to my wife’s new feng shui consultant, I need to move out.
Shall I compare thee to a wooly worm?
Thou art more fuzzy and more ravenous
[speed dating, today]
him: hi I’m Steve, nice to meet you!
*her, sat like 12ft away*: what?
Steve: what?
[stumbles out of bar with girl]
We’ll be at my place- (struggling to unchain ten speed bike) -in no time, baby
my gf bought a table, a doily, and then a much smaller table and a much smaller doily
Just saw a guy wearing a hat that says “Don’t Bother Me,” so I asked him where he got it & how much it cost & whether or not it works.
me: [hiring a hitman] now how can we make my songs better
God: I need one more rib please
Adam: No
God: Come on man, I can see the future… this is going to be a problem
Adam: I said NO
God: ugh, fine *calls McDonalds* sorry guys but the McRib is gonna have to be limited time only
This is not how I wanted to learn the Greek alphabet
*stomps feet during a tantrum, reaches fitbit step goal*
banned from gardening forum for saying “it was me” every time someone posted and said “help, something is eating my tomatoes”
It’s a good thing when your therapist sits down with a bucket of popcorn, right?
Remember back in the day when your TV wouldn’t work so you’d bang it a few times? I tried that with my dishwasher and she ended up pregnant.
[caught in a vending machine] SOMEONE BUY E7
I’m at the age where “pop, lock, and drop” is about my knee giving out instead of dance moves
I think tonight while my wife is asleep I’m going to pull on the satin ribbon she’s worn around her neck ever since the day I met her. What’s the worst that could happen. One lil tug
“Are you ok?” No my cheese drawer is empty
In 6th grade I had an ugly pimple on my nose that left a scar and I told my friend I got bitten by a spider…dude called me Batman because he didn’t know shit about comics
A woman just asked me to “unpark her car” and now I’m searching urban dictionary to see what I really just agreed to do
You know you have something special w someone when u start finishing their sentences. But enough about me & my local Subway sandwich artist
The best sick burn I ever dispensed was when I showed up to eat on a patio with a group and I had an umbrella and a girl said “don’t be such a pessimist!” and I responded “I’m not a pessimist, I just know how to read a weather report” and then stared at her.
It’s only a tidal wave when it’s headed toward you, if it’s headed away that’s a toodle wave.