Wait for it…πππππ
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age 1: goo googa
age 2: im a babada da
age 3: thank god i can finally speak. listen, i’ve been observing u for 3 years now. what are u doing
My neighbor accidentally called me “love” in a text looking for his cat and now we have more reason to never make eye contact again.
17 asked if we owned a vacuum. Iβm gonna need a minute
I asked why there was a scale at the estate lawyer’s office. She explained, “Where there’s a will there’s a weigh.”
this isn’t as bad as i thought it was going to be.
-my 12yo complimenting dinner
i have no idea whatβs going on but i want to be involved.
-kids
My boss bought a breathalyzer for our office because everyone comes back from lunch drunk. My personal best is .16
me: I invited colin for dinner tomorrow
her: is that the guy that always gets the day wrong?
*knock at the door*
me: yes
I walked up to my 9yo and said, “How goes it?” He looks up at me and says, “God is history’s greatest serial killer.”
Me: I look cute today.
Camera: No.
Every BBC series about the universe.
when the moon is out in the middle of the day itβs like oh no they called you in on your day off
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I work with animals
Me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* Your job sounds fun
Twitter crush? Nah, that’s my X girlfriend.
A Goofy Movie gave me unrealistic expectations about what I could and couldnβt do with aerosol cheese
centipede: *trips*
*but for like, an hour*
My teenage children choosing violence
Going to the gym βnakedβ means without wearing headphones. I know this now.
“Shotgun!” I yell as I push past the others and climb into the seat.
I am subsequently escorted from the airplane.
Did I remember to take Ambien? I’ll ask my lamp. He’s speaking German but maybe I’ll get the gist.
Please send thoughts and prayers to my cats, they shall surely never recover from the sound of the popcorn maker
5 and 11 months: When I was a baby six years ago I was happy.
Me: You werenβt born yet then.
5: No, I mean when I was in your tummy. I didnβt have to do anything I didnβt want and it was dark and warm.
Me: *Sigh* And you didnβt fight with me on eating your dinner either.
Guess who I bumped into on the way to see my eye doctor?
Everyoneβ¦
Aww. This is sooo cute. My 12 pet shrimps have taken their shells off and are drinking from a bowl of cocktail sauOH MY GOD WHO DID THIS!?
The Great Wall of China is one of the 7 wonders of the world just because it’s a Chinese product that’s lasted more than a month.
[desert island]
me: look!
wife: what?
me: a boat!
wife: HEEEEEELP!me: *writing* day 287, she’s still afraid of boats
me: will I go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
Flight attendant: Before landing, please make sure all small electronic items are secure
Me: *whispering to my tamagotchi* do you feel safe, bud?