Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Always practice yodeling, suddenly, in a packed elevator.

I hate hotel bath towels.
So thick and fluffy I can’t even close my suitcase!!

What idiot called them haunted houses and not bad manors?

How do American chickens cross the road? In a bucket.

FRIEND: Women want guys who take charge

ME: ok

[later]

WAITER: [to date] Ready to-

ME: [shoves waiter and grabs notepad] Ready to order?

when i was 12 i read lingerie like it’s spelled and everyone started laughing and they were like “haha LINGERIE? it’s *lauwnzhoureigh” and i was like ?? how am i the idiot in this situation? sorry i actually know how to read. sorry i don’t just make up sounds when i see letters.

A mom sat down next to me at the park, smiled and asked, “Which one’s yours?”
I replied, “None of them… yet.”

I want to install a camera system, partly for security, but mostly so when my husband texts me asking what’s for dinner I can send him a 16 minute video montage of the kids screaming followed by a Thai take-out menu screen-shot.

“You don’t load the dishwasher right,” I said to my wife just before it permanently became my job.

The best way to watch the MTV Music Video Awards is to turn on the TV and turn the channel to MTV and then go outside and set your house on fire.

Oh you’re a vegan. Name all the plants.

a bunch of people at a school dance waiting to get a drink

that’s it. that’s the punch line

“And what is it about this job that appeals to you?”
“Well, I can fit it in around my lifestyle. Also being able to pardon myself for the crimes I’ve committed”

I hope someone makes you feel special today. I’m not doing it, I’m busy.

I made a bunch of “missing” flyers, hoping we can find all the telephone poles that disappeared, but now I have a new problem.

[first day as a peterinarian]

Customer: I think there’s a misprint on that sign

Me (petting dog): No.

INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for someone who is good with people

ME: *grabbing my stuff* Good luck with your search

me hitting on a model

In retrospect Rose only knew Jack for like 2 days

Me: This little kid sitting next to me in a restaurant wouldn’t stop screaming so I decided to scream back and wow I totally get why kids scream it’s so freeing and so much better than actually verbalizing your emotions

Therapist: I think you’re regressing

Me: *screams* am i?

Dookie Cough is how folks were dying on the Oregon trail.

I had a client Zoom in for Court, smoking a cigarette and beer in hand, slurring words.

Words I never thought I’d hear a judge say: “You’re in court right now. Quit smoking. Put that beer down.”

Me: spreads bacon grease on my toast
Also me: how did I gain weight this week?

You’re clearly insane. Ok, I’ll give you twelve more chances

Nothing like a nice refreshing shower to make you sweat relentlessly for at least an hour

I wonder if people in Fiji pay $6 a bottle for “American Water.”

religion? um, ha, no. i’m not really into the idea of letting a set of ancient rules dictate my life. plus, pisces aren’t usually religious

My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.

Best way to get picked up at a gym is fall off a machine.

friend: should i have kids?

me: my kids are currently outside barking back at the neighbors dog for 10 minutes now. 0 stars do not recommend.