Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

He’s a 10 but so is his volume.

Hey morons, when in doubt, just spell it “theiyr’re.”

Westboro Baptist Church Founder Fred Phelps Dies At 84.Who wants to protest a funeral?

You ever stop and think about how lucky your friends are that you put so much effort and care into the memes you send them

I was getting my haircut during a trip to Vancouver when a fellow customer overheard me say where I lived.

“While visiting Japan recently, I recently met a guy from your town.”

I jokingly asked if it happened to be my friend, as he had also recently been to Japan.

It was.

Treat your guests like family, so they don’t stay too long.

I carry a knife whenever I’m running late to work because that’s what Counterstrike taught me: “You always run faster with a knife”.

Neighbor: hey just so you know I invited Dan to the dinner party!

Me: cannibal Dan or Dan who can’t spell?

*phone chimes*
[Text from Dan] I can’t wait to meat your friend tonight!

Neighbor: yeah I’m not sure

How many children do I want to have? Kind of a weird question for a first date, but umm I guess enough to finish the temple

*seductively wipes mashed potatoes from my eyebrow*

Great, iTunes terms and conditions has changed and my attorney is on vacation. Just perfect.

willy wonka: it’s a factory, accidents happen

me: ok but your employees sang about it…in detail

willy wonka: lol that was sick righ-

me: there was choreography, it…it rhymed

willy wonka:

me: how did- how could they have prepared

If you live in the same hemisphere that I do you’ve probably already heard me sneeze.

please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here…
-me opening the dryer

pre-crashed car! already crashed. don’t have to worry about crashing it, car cannot crash. can’t drive it (no wheels) wheels fell of in crash. also just replaced the brakes, brakes work perfectly now

The movie scene where discarded clothes lead to lovers in bed, except it’s my clothes leading to my wife picking them up and cursing me.

When a dish comes out of the dishwasher still dirty, I just put it back in for another round, because I believe in second chances.

[pitching script]

WRITER: then the motorcyclist removes their helmet…

PRODUCER: *yawns*…and its a woman?

W: it’s a burrito

P: holy shit

All the junk foods you eat through the holidays can bind you up. It happens. But I have a colonoscopy coming soon so the prep will take care of all that.

New Year, new bowels. Gotta look for the bright side.

I don’t give my children “chores”. I give them “missions” and that change in the name has made my whole life easier.

I turned on my computer and it went “Word” and I was like “Yo”.

eighth henchman to go after jackie chan: ok well he’s not going to kick EIGHT of us

Doctor: Can you point to where it hurts
Me: [gestures wildly towards The News]

I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.

A Tinder app, only you hook up with the best buffets in your town

I held a baby today. I was scared it would make me want a baby, but it just made me want to be a baby.

Before therapy: I hate people

After therapy: I hate therapists

Couples who finish each other’s sentences have killed before and will kill again.

The first rule of bread making club is you only talk about it on a knead to dough basis.

My son on the morning of his prom: “Well, it just occurred to me that I paid $130 to go to my school at night.”