Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Eating my way out of the ball pit.

my retirement plan is recording a hit Christmas song, i just need to learn how to sing and write music

“It’s fine with me if Mom says ok”

– the original two-step verification

Me: Do you need a sample?

Nurse: Ma’am we just need to swab your throat

Me: But I gotta pee and I don’t want it to go to waste

Shouldn’t Alien vs. Predator just be called Alien vs. Alien?

The dude who designed almond-milk cartons to look exactly like chicken-broth cartons should have to drink the coffee I just made.

Guess who just typed “the end” on his first manuscript! Yep, “the end” is the title of my debut novel. Only 49,998 words to go and I’ll be finished!

When my cat has an accident on the carpet, he hides to escape responsibility. It’s a, “shit and run”.

“Are you carrying any treats, sir?”
“No, I’m not.”
“Cookies? Biscuits?”
“Nope.”
“Please empty your pockets.”
“Listen, I’ve already told you-“
“I’ll also need to check your bag.”
“I don’t think that’s really nec-”
“Sir, I’d advise you not make this any harder than it needs to be.”

[dollar store]
Me: I would like 700 dollars, please

Sir, your wife was stabbed ten times, but the missing piece is the murder weapon. So far we have nothing, Mr *checks notes* Scissorhands.

My son just walked into the room, said hello, asked how I was, then left.

He didn’t actually want anything.

I know! Incredible!

Oh and then I fainted.

Christmas Karening is like Christmas Caroling. But instead of going door to door singing, you go store to store asking for the manager.

This is deadly serious:

Talking about corona-virus this morning, Trump said, “We closed it down. We stopped it.”

There were 15 confirmed cases in the US a week ago.

There are 233 today.

There will be *5,000* in a week

TRUMP’S INCOMPETENCE KILLS.

I am a gravy boat captain

I have never related to anyone more.

When I say ditto after someone tells me they love me, it doesn’t mean I love them. It means I love me too.

I have passed 4 levels of the interview process for a new job, and the final step is a personality assessment, so that’s unfortunate.

Time machine ads be like:

“Can you here me now?”

Hear me out: his and hers houses.

Marriage is like a Rubik’s cube. One person is trying to solve the puzzle and the other one is switching the stickers around to win the game.

yeah I’m excited for Dune 2

dune 2 others as you would have them dune 2 you

I thought Game of Thrones was a show about bathrooms

My cat likes to meow at me a lot. I like to meow back at him.
Sometimes when I meow back he stops meowing and I worry that I might have insulted his mum or something

the compUtah Maineframe has crashed and Idaho how to fix it. Alaska round to find out Hawaii it happened. Are Delaware of the situation?

[Commercial for condoms]

*a baby cries*

NARRATOR: Condoms

I like to stand by the side of the motorway holding a sign that says “If you were me, you’d be here now.”

Teaching 19 to cook, clean, and do laundry so if he ever gets married his wife won’t divorce him and make him my responsibility again.

Never judge someone because they sin differently than you.