Wait for it…😂😂😂😂😂
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Talking to a toddler is like working customer service. For example, she’s screaming at me and I’m apologizing for something I had nothing to do with.
Me: I need to lose my baby weight.
Diet coach: Awww, how old is your youngest?
Me: Thirteen.
me: I plead the 3rd
lawyer: the third amendment is you can’t be forced to quarter soldiers. the fifth is you can’t be compelled to act as witness against yourself. did you mean the fifth?
me: I mean I kinda don’t want to have to do either
[the inventor of golf] How can we monetize getting angry in a field?
In Harry Potter, a scar on your forehead means you’re a hero. In real life, a scar on your forehead means you got drunk & lack coordination.
Dr: Take two tablets at 7pm every night. Not too late!
~later~
5pm: Nah too early
6pm: Still too early
6:45pm: Ooh nearly tablet time
11pm: shit
You’re like if “nope” was a person.
I’ve been a vegetarian for 13 years but if I ever got the chance I would absolutely 100% bite the head off the Geico gecko
Dracula is actually one of the funniest books of all time. Jonathan Harkness shows up at Dracula’s castle, Dracula’s like “hey could you write like five letters to your fiance in advance that say you’re fine” and Jonathan is like “weird, but yes absolutely”
Elections?Vote for pizza. Throw the pizza slice in the envelope. Not all of it silly! Just a little corner will do. Eat the rest. As usual
shout out to my student loans for being the only one from college keeping in touch
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
Quotes to calm an angry woman:
1. Stress makes you fat.
2. My ex never acted like that.
3. I love you, even if you’re just like your mom.
3: when I’m 5 I’ll do all the cleaning and cooking on the weekend so you and daddy can stay in bed
Me: *hands her pen to sign legally binding contract*
Friend: cheer up. There are plenty of fish in the sea
Me [slamming my fist on the table]: I’m attracted to women NOT fish, Gary!
I hope your spoon slides into your soup
Me: Dad, am I adopted?
Dad: Shit, like I’d have picked you?
Guy trying to flirt with me: I just can’t understand how someone like you doesn’t have a boyfriend.
Me: Here, does this help?
*turns and walks away*
well maybe grass should touch me for once, how about that
I’m still writing “Slovakia” on all my Czechs.
(you can unfollow me at anytime)
Pro tip for picking up girls – keep your back straight and lift with your knees.
Ever sit at your desk and your hand automatically reaches for the seatbelt?
Just me? 😬
I find the fact Barney and friends got overlooked for every single Jurassic Park movie… bizarre
SHARK WEEK: JAWS
shark weak: dentures
My husband’s beige flag is he’s always ranting about the “feels like” temperature on the weather app. “If we always say 30 degrees FEELS LIKE a different temperature than 30 degrees, how can we ever know what real 30 degrees feels like??????”
there should be some kind of National Dog and before any politician gets sworn into office we have to see how the dog reacts to them
Just ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.
Will keep you posted.
My brother and dad have been arguing over a broken PS1 since February 2000. My brother said my dad broke it one night drunk. Truth is my mate broke it claiming he knew how to chip it and I’ve never told anyone. My mum is on my brother’s side. Comes up at least 5 times a year.
My kids super power is knowing he won’t like a food before he even tries it
I hate these new video games that make you talk to other characters. The fact I hate conversations is the reason I’m playing video games.