Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*In the elevator*

Guy: Good morning ladies. You two going down?

Me: No. We’re just friends

Guy: ….

Def Leppard are a bunch of liars. I poured some sugar on a girl one time and it was a complete mess, she was not happy at all.

If you give a man a fish you kinda suck at picking out gifts.

Him: who’s a good boy? Are you a good boy? You’re a good boy aren’t you yes you are

Dog: good god, Gary, how can you still not know?

HBO login: password must contain at least 8 characters, a number, an emoji, your college roommate’s maiden name, and a hieroglyph.

ATM: just any 4 numbers.

Hate when the grammar police single me out like some kind of which hunt

Me: *making tea*

Also me 6 minutes later: what the hell is that whistling sound?!

My kids have a lot of toy dustpans, considering how little they actually help me clean

Normalize carrying a sheriff’s star around so you can deputize yourself to:

cut a line
veto your HOA
confiscate the Costco samples
arrest your in-laws

People who hum in public must be blissfully unaware of how close to death they are at all times

sorry vacation place with the underwater tunnels, i’ve seen jaws 3.

My wife makes us recycle everything.

*empties condom into sink*

Cop: You appear intoxicated. Can you walk this line?
Me: No problem. Stay in the car Grandma
G-ma: Can he use my walker? He’s been drinking.

7 years ago I met my husband, the love of my life and my baby daddy…

It was awkward at first, but they all seem to be getting along now.

Silence of the Lambs is so relatable to me cuz I also understand the importance of moisturizing

*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*

Okay, weigh me now.

Let’s get married and have kids so instead of doing fun stuff on the weekend we can go to a kid’s birthday party where everyone coughs.

oh, internet, you didn’t even exist when this happened to me. every weekend.

My 9th grade boyfriend texted me to let me know there is someone in Denver using my identity on Bumble but couldn’t give me much info because he didn’t swipe right. Trying to process which part of this is more upsetting.

Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: It’s a surprise

[first day in prison]
Cellmate: that’s Flesh Eater Mike
Me: why do they call him that?
Cellmate, quietly as Flesh Eater Mike walks by with blood dripping down his chin: it’s short for Michael

“I didn’t want to come to your party.” – gift cards

Invasion? No, the Aliens are here for an Intervention.

Me: *drinks tea*
Villain: haha! I have poisoned your drink!
Me: *starts drinking faster*

Instead of a promise ring, I wear an onion ring

I’m saving my appetite for something pure

Signature Move

The best writer’s defense is a good writer’s offense

Crazy how my 5yo can explain something in painstaking detail unless it’s anything I specifically asked her.

One minute you’re young and fun and the next, you need a tow out of a beanbag chair.

TV Show Idea:

Speculation news.

A sort of news programme that uses a small amount of information and stretches it out for hours on end with absolutely no further facts other than speculation based on nothing at all, by self appointed experts in unrelated subjects.

Single: Knows all the bars in a 10 mile radius.

Married: Knows all the restaurants in a 10 mile radius.

As a parent: Knows all the bouncy places in a 10 mile radius.