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“Is that a banana in ur pocket or are u just happy to see me haha”
[i pull a hand full of lasagna out of my pocket] “Actually it’s lasagna”
who started finding eggs and was like “it was probably a rabbit”
Ever talk to someone so stupid you can actually hear them misspelling words?
I stapled her tongue to the desk for humming Ke$ha all day and I really think the HR guy isn’t listening to my side of the story.
If you use karate instead of a knife your wife won’t ask you to cut the vegetables anymore
“honey, I can’t wait to do missionary later!” *Gets excited* *Wife leaves for third world country-helps many*
My second account is trying to drive a wedge of suspicion between me and my Twitter crush.
“Oh my god I can’t believe someone would pronounce my name exactly how it’s spelled!!!”
– people with stupid names
INTERVIEWER: describe yourself with one adjective
ME: [from left side of room] pendulous
INTERVIEWER: huh?
ME: [from right side of room] you heard me
Not a creature was stirring, not even a… oops never mind, the Aussies are up.
If the person who named Walkie Talkies named everything else:
Stamps: Lickie Stickies
Defibrillators: Hearty Starty
Pregnancy Test: Maybe Baby
Lamp: Lighty Brighty
oh no, pressed the wrong button on the remote and accidentally summoned a demon again
friend: have u seen garfield as spiderman?
me: omg not yet is there a tail hole in his suit??
friend: it’s andrew garf-
me: *nodding, sitting back down* andrew garfield
Social media becomes more tolerable when you read angry comments in Kermit’s voice.
Want to piss your girlfriend off?
Text her “He’s busy.” and turn off your phone.
just left a huge legacy in there
Me: Can you check my balance on this gift card?
Cashier: ok
Me: [ steps on card, lifts other foot without wavering ] Pretty good, right?
Your baby isn’t 48 months ffs…he’s 4 years old.
I don’t go around saying I’m one thousand, one hundr….
Hold on…Imma need a calculator.
if you eat your burrito over a tortilla, anything that falls out will simply start building your next burrito
Me: I want my kids to have lots of friends
Me, when these friends visit: WTF they are so annoying
The year is 2200. All fossil fuels are depleted. Our only source for coal is Santa Claus. Everyone must be naughty for the sake of mankind.
Thinking of opening a new deli in India but I have no idea what to call it.
Dracula: *transforms into a bat*
Me: OMG flappy sky puppy come here there is a blanket and I’ve got the brushybrushy for you do you want the brushybrushy
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula: *tiny voice* yes
6yo: I’m giving myself a challenge
me: what is it
6yo: I’m going to get $99 by my birthday
me: how are you going to do that
6yo:
me:
6yo: no idea
You know how moray eels can’t let go when they bite, and both sets of jaws must be pried off even after they’re dead?
Don’t touch my fries.
The tooth fairy was drunk again last night and dropped her phone on 8’s head
Imagine having a subordinate at work who can’t perform basic job duties, requires constant oversight, and questions your every decision with another supervisor. Parenting. I just described parenting.
If I could go back and do it all over again I’d be born into money
Naked and Afraid. But it’s just me using the shower at my gym.