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Oh no Moo Deng noo!!
*coworker showing you a picture of their newborn* Nice, nice. What is that?
A friend described me as a ‘no maintenance’ type
And I have no idea whether to be happy or offended
Slept on the floor last night for fun with the kids and now I’m paralyzed
people in the Bronze Age actually lived far more luxurious lives than our own. Archaeological evidence indicates that they had vases with octopuses on them. do you have that? didnt think so
Denied candy because I “didn’t wear red”. Kicked out of the office because I “didn’t wear pants”. I’m tired of these Valentine’s Day rules.
BREAKING: Emotionally disturbed man gets into Trump Tower.
He was stopped by security, but not before being named a senior advisor.
Just had lunch with my 3rd grader at her school. She got embarrassed when I tried to kiss her. So, like any good mom, I started twerking.
[family feud]
Steve Harvey: Top 5 answers on the board, name a place you would plant evidence…
Me: *buzzes first* EVIDENCE GARDEN
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Did you know that having red beard hair happens if you only have 1 mutated MC1R gene?
Him: no. not like that.
I work for the government which means I have to enter 2 passwords in order to print documents that are open to the public.
The real reason women will never be the ones to propose: As soon as she gets on her knees, he will start unzipping his pants.
“What skills would you bring to the apocalypse?”
Me: Um, brooding real hard.
Each day is a wondrous journey, always discovering the new things in life that can irritate me.
May God bless you with children who are incompetent at hiding evidence
A forest fire is the world’s way of adding black trees to the forest community.
Me: *answering each question by shouting my name and Social Security number, refusing to crack*
Job Interviewer: *growing increasingly flustered*
Not one person has been eaten by sharks yet this week. Probably the worst Shark Week ever.
Accidentally wore a red shirt and a khaki pants to Target yesterday &, long story short, I think I have been promoted to assistant manager.
NINE MONTHS LATER, A FIRE TRUCK WAS BORN
[leaving HS reunion w/ date]
Aren’t you going to ask why everybody was calling me ‘smelly boy’ tonight?
“Seemed pretty clear I thought”
me, standing over a dead body with a scalpel: this is fun isn’t it?
coworker: um. this just isn’t what I had in mind when you asked me to open mike night
[Preschool]
Teacher: aw what’s this little guy’s name?
[Simultaneously]
Me: laser panther
Wife: Jacob
[first day in hell]
Satan: WELCOME TO ETERNAL HELLFIRE!
Me: ugh, thank god, my feet are freezing
Satan: HAHAH- what?
Me: *cuddling under a burning blanket* so cozy
Satan: wait, where did you get the hot cocoa?
Apparently losing my mind was not the answer they expected when they asked what my plans for the weekend are
me: wow Pokemon names are getting more and more ridiculous, don’t you think so?
taco bell employee: *nods* taco bell employee
The department of wildlife got back to me and said there’s nothing they can do about the size of crows.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: I’d say listening is my biggest weakness.
Right now Netflix is trying to figure out how 6 million people watched birdbox this weekend with only 22 active accounts
[date]
HER: it’s getting late
ME: [shouting through my garfield mask] IT’S BARELY 8:15