Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Everybody’s partner buys a new vacuum cleaner when the filter gets dirty, right? Just mine?

Why learn a second language, when you don’t have anything interesting to say in your first one?

ChatGPT, you are Leonardo da Vinci with a PhD in psychology and 20 years of experience providing mental health services for the ancient Sumerians. Analyze my tweets and formulate a life plan for me with the goal being me developing x-ray vision

Still thinking about a student I had years ago who asked if a paper was due at 4pm or 4am

People: why do dogs bark at the mail man every single day

Dogs: the mailman has literally never gotten in how do you not see what I’m doing

Starting to think that adult supervision is a myth. In fact, my eyes seem to be getting worse.

Always leave the shower curtains open.
*things I learned from horrors

I hurt my bottom after shaking it at the office party.

It was a twerk-place injury.

Who do atheists pray to when figuring out their child’s online school schedule?

My boss calls me “The computer”

Not because of my calculation skills but because I go to sleep when left unattended for 15 minutes.

me: *on my 100th crunch at the gym*

employee: ur getting cheeto dust on the weights

I always go the extra mile,
which is why my friends don’t let me drive

Phew. Zero percent juice. That was a close call.

This guy gets it.

“The last thing I want to do is hurt you. First I want to date you & get to know you.”

Me: Can we get back to talking about me?
Therapist: Why not. Everyone else is.
Me: What?
Therapist: What?

After watching the Thriller music video, my kids asked what Michael Jackson transforms into. I told them he becomes a werewolf & my 4yo said, “why is it called a werewolf when I saw it right there on the TV?”

‘Siri, am I an alcoholic?’, I whisper into my burrito.

The idea is to just keep scrolling on your phone until you die.

A lawyer walks into a bar. A lawyer leaves the bar. A lawyer walks into the bar. A lawyer fails the bar because he was drunk.

I think I look pretty okay for my age. It’s just when I hold menus two feet from my face that I know the ruse is up.

Me: I don’t want to leave anything to chance
Chance: why do you hate me dad

If he marries someone else, raises a family, and leads a very fulfilling life, maybe he’s just not that into you.

Posting “wow pretty problematic” under every single person’s Spotify wrapped and then responding “it’s not my job to educate you” when they ask what I mean by that.

I’m so single even my husband won’t match with me on tinder..

You do the load of laundry that you have, not the load of laundry that you want.

Ocean’s 8 makes me feel seen as a woman but also as someone who has tried to organize anything with more than 3 people

sure recipes like “marry me chicken” are cute but where’s the “it’s your turn to clean the bathroom casserole”

It’s getting disrespectful how long it takes for me to scroll to my birth year

My doctor told me to try a milk bath. Adding the Cinnamon Toast Crunch was my idea