Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
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“I’m sorry, but are you suggesting what I think you’re suggesting?” -Fun way to confuse a waiter who just suggested a menu item
“Are you good and hard for me yet?”
– me boiling eggs
PATIENT: Doc, I haven’t been able to bone my wife lately and I really think-
DR DOG: Wait. Tell me more about the bone part
A monarchy is crowning a new king & later we’ll watch horses run in a circle for entertainment. Tonight I’m gonna party like it’s 1199.
Don’t worry, if your parachute doesn’t deploy you have the rest of your life to fix it
#OneLiner
The coins in my cup holder have bonded together and will be the problem of whomever owns my vehicle next.
Thanks to whoever invented the mute button, because I can poop while on a conference call.
The dark side of Canada
“2! 4! 6! 8! Who do we appreciate?
Nobody!!!! Hahahahahaha!”
-Teenagers
ME: *holding my crying newborn son* There. There. I ALSO find myself very upsetting.
Please ignore this tweet, I’m pretending to be adding a coworker’s phone number.
I keep my eyes in great shape by rolling them constantly.
Jennifer who dumped me in Junior High now wants me to like her interior decorating Facebook page.
Oh, how the tables have turned Jennifer.
My mom called me and told me how much she likes watching Snoop Dogg at the Olympics and I had to remind her that she grounded me for buying his CD once
*pointing at a mothers shrieking baby* is this guy bothering you?
“If that isn’t doing it for you, just give it a little smack. On the bottom. Harder. Little harder. Almost there.”
– The waiter explaining to me how to get ketchup out of the bottle.
Do I help my kids with their math homework? Yes. Do I make fun of them mercilessly when I get an answer right that they get wrong? Also yes, balance.
Have a friend who takes pics of her food and then goes to the restroom to delete them all. Instagramorexia Nervosa.
My girlfriend just got the definition of mansplaining wrong and now I don’t know what to do.
People are waiting for flying cars and I’m just waiting for my supermarket to install cup holders on trolleys so I can have tea while I shop
I’ll be signing books at the library tomorrow from 2-4pm (or until that librarian calls the cops again). Come on out!
Not everyone was dancing in the moonlight. Some of us were trying to sleep.
Wife: Been a long time since we went on a vacation.
Me: Great idea. Where do you wanna go?
Wife: Some place romantic. Paris.
Me: Ok. And I’ll go to Thailand.
I thought she was the one until I saw her make hot chocolate with water.
[waiting with friend for his test results]
“I’m nervous”
I’m sure you’re fine *sees 2 doctors playing rock paper scissors outside room*
“Five year plan?”
[shuffles papers]
…written down here somewhere
… Ahh, here it is, lemme clean the cheese off this Mcmuffin wrapper
every city has a “guy” they all know about. you can visit a friend in their town and see a man dressed in robes, riding a horse & your friend will go “oh yeah haha that’s horseback jesus” and then that’s just the end of the explanation.
Omg 🤣
I was feeling really, really stupid today. And then I remembered that there are probably other people out there that also feel really, really stupid. And I felt a little better. Thanks everyone.
Wife : don’t forget to pick up the kids at the school
Me : why