Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Does anyone know a good locksmith? I spent the entire day cleaning the entire house and need to keep my family out.

“I didn’t go to grad school to assemble agenda folios for the quarterly board meeting” I think as I drizzle Dawn into the CEO’s coffee pot.

My answer to most questions is an intelligible grunt, a flustered pointing motion, & a 3 hour nap.

When your wife is out of town and you accidentally tell her that you killed the baby

Me: *Sitting in traffic*

Cop: Get back in your car

I mostly do what I want, but sometimes the US court system has an opinion.

Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute

Chattanooga is my favorite town that sounds like an old-timey car horn

When people say I don’t mean to brag they’re bragging about not bragging.

Saw the eye doctor, and that’s 90% of the vision test right there.

1st Born: If you hold him support his head.

2nd Born: Dangle him by his feet, he loves it.

3rd Born: We don’t have a ball, use your baby brother.

I typo texted my wife asking if she’d like to “celibate” our anniversary, and she replied “that sounds great” and now I’m not sure what to think.

Only 1490’s kids will remember this
*sails from Europe and destroys an indigenous population*

Wow my pants are really loose today

*skips to the nearest vending machine*

ME: someone stole my credit card number

BANK: why would they spend $187 at a hot dog stand?

ME: [hangs head in shame] that wasn’t them

Pulling the sword from the stone and getting immediately embarrassed, freaking out, trying to jam it back in but it’s like a USB flipped over. Texting the girls “help”

My car, spinning uncontrollably thru a crowd of ppl, & my Korean friend screams”HIT THE BLAKES” & I’m like”I CANT BE THAT SELECTIVE”

can’t believe I got front row seats

Me: Nice flowers. Co-worker: They’re from my boyfriend. Now I’m going to spend all weekend w/my legs in the air. Me: Don’t you have a vase?

[First date]
Him: Can you pass the-
SOMETIMES WHEN I SLEEP ON MY STOMACH MY CAT LIES ON MY BACK LIKE A TINY SURFER

3 – DAD! HEY DAD!

Me: Don’t yell from the door son! Walk here and talk to me

3 – *walks over*
3 – I stepped in dog poop, what should I do?

[drops your baby]
Me: shit, sorry. Let me get you another one

INTERVIEWER: thank u, those are all my questions. do u hav any questions for us
ME: yes…why do i want this job
INTERVIEWER: [starts sweatig]

Wife: why are there 8 knives on the ground?

Me: *points to the dead spider* it was self defence and that’s exactly what you’ll tell the cops when they get here

Together, I can beat schizophrenia.

*person walks past me minding his business and not bothering me in any way*

“What’s this idiot doing?”

Strawberry jam: hi i’m strawberry jam
Blueberry jam: hi i’m blueberry jam
Raspberry jam: hi i’m raspberry jam
Orange jam: BoNjOuR, you may call me MARMALADE

[First day as a plumber]

Boss: What’s wrong?

Me: *tearing up* This is nothing like Mario.

Becky on Facebook is having a bad hair day and wonders if anything will ever go right. Be strong Becky, be strong. Also shut up.