Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s funny to me when someone obviously just learned a new word. My friend said “penultimate” like 3 times tonight. A plethora of times. Like, an absolute plethora. He kept saying it too, making an even bigger plethora.

Job interviewer: So do you have any people skills?

Me: Eleven confirmed

JI: What?

Me: What?

Maybe sunscreen is like ketchup to sharks

Me: Can I start digging?
Society: No wtf that’s grave robbing.
[waits an hour]
Me: How about now?
Society: Ok, now it’s archaeology.

If you’re short on time in the morning, pouring a little gasoline in your toaster will make it cook faster.

[first day as a bartender]

boss: stop putting OJ in the mojitos

me: *starts serving mitos*

I highly recommend anything.

– Stoners.

Bird snatches worm: Haha beat you to it sleepy head!

*blam!*

And early riser Hunter Harry gets delicious fried pheasant for lunch.

Remember being a kid and writing “FiretrUCK” everywhere, thinking your parents wouldn’t get it? My dad just figured it out and spanked me 🙁

My dentist plays country music, so it’s like a double torture.

[me as a disc jockey]
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop singing over the songs

bouncer: I’m going to have to ask you to leave

me: why

bouncer: I have no idea who you are and this is my trampoline

My friend is mad because I called her baby the cutest little freak show. The CUTEST tho… it’s like she missed that part.

New nose

Anyone: I’m cold
Me: Get a sweatshirt or something I’m not your mother

Dog: *shivers once*
Me: I WILL USE MY BODY HEAT TO KEEP YOU ALIVE

Cancer: Expect a minor shakeup at work this week when you find your boss eating what’s left of Gary.

Communication during co-parenting is essential.

My kids are now getting a total of 22 phone chargers in their stockings.

[halftime]

Coach: Okay men we’re literally losing at basketball to a dog… any ideas?
-I have one.
*pulls out vacuum with a jersey on*

*Queen bee in hive*

“You, go pollinate flowers”

“You, go make some honey”

“You, go buzz around some humans and ruin their picnic lol”

Doctor. When I touch myself here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. It feels like everything hurts!

Doctor: is your finger broken?

No, I don’t think so….

Dr: In than case you’re just over 35. Take some advil. Good luck.

[reading death threat]

*shrugs* Anyone with spelling this bad would definitely botch a murder.

Jesus: *tearing bread* this is my body

Disciples: ooh

Jesus: *pouring wine* and this is my blood

Disciples: ahh

Jesus: *putting Nickelback on Spotify* and this is How You Remind Me

me: hate mechanics who talk down to me

also me: this guy is perfect

Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!

Reality: STOP ARGUING! GO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?

This could be us but you eatin’

I may be nodding and smiling, but I’m secretly diagnosing you.

Lead me not into temptation. I already know the quickest routes.

(10:00 am)
*adjusts lawn chair, sits down, opens highly anticipated new book, settles in comfortably for a long read*

(10:02 am)
*already chasing after a pretty butterfly*

CHIPOTLE MANAGER: we can’t figure out why these e.coli outbreaks keep happening
ME: [bathing in a tub of salsa in the back] ya very weird