Wait for it…😂😂😂😂😂
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Him: What’s wrong with the dog?
Me: Vet thinks he ate bird poo.
Him: What kind of bird poo?
Me: Idk…a duck, a cardinal, a pterodactyl…does it matter?
Him: You and I both know that if our dog ate pterodactyl poo it ABSOLUTELY DOES matter…
Me:
Him: (whispers) It does matter.
Never, EVER, check mail when you get home on a Saturday evening. Unless you’re sure it’s a check made out to you.
The princess and the pea
But me, finding a rogue cockroach in my shoe and almost shitting myself on the bus
When it’s my time, I need one of you to promise me you’ll put a motion detector on my headstone that yells out “ouch you’re stepping on my foot,” to anyone who gets close. Please and thank you.
Parenting is basically telling your kids they need to eat more fruit then telling them to quit eating all the fruit.
Walmart bathrooms is my favorite place for me to feel like I’m taking a piss on the set of the movie “Saw”
Found out I can become an IT pro in as little as 1 month with no experience & now I know where my company gets their IT pros.
*puts on sexy underwear and high heels*
*grabs whip*
*flicks whip*
*searches for scissors to extricate whip from hair*
[first time hunting]
friend: I’m out of shells do you have any
me: *choking on pistachio* a few
[first day as a tampon designer]
Boss:
Me:
Boss: What kind of work did you do before?
Me: I made expandable dinosaur sponge toys.
I must be getting old.
The haircut I need is in my nose.
*sips from glass of water that’s been sitting out for a while*
ugh, it tastes like the house
*bunny hops to the smell of bacon cooking
Kinda hungry but my bowels still haven’t figured out what to do about yesterday.
Deciding which personality is going to respond to an email
My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”
I’ve always wondered if my toddler liked me or my husband better.
But I just heard her say, “Oh shit, Daddy’s home” so at least I know she’s on my side.
AirBnB is fun for when you want to be financially abused by a stranger with a binder filled with rules.
My preschooler talks a lot of trash when we play Chutes and Ladders for someone who needs help counting his spaces.
me: babe get your finger measured
her: [hopeful] is it for what i think it is?
me: [ordering custom puppets] you’ll see
Got banned for life from McDonald’s for asking the cashier if the Filet-O-Fish was made of Mc-Erel
Got thrown out of another poetry reading for shouting “oooh naughty” every time someone used a metaphor for sex
I’m not climbing a hill if I’m dying. That sounds terrible. I’ll die on this chair. Drinking orange Fanta.
is your name melissa?
“yes”
are you married?
“to you sadly”
yes or no please
“yes”
do you like the lie detector I bought for your birthday?
Sorry I didn’t get you an anniversary card, babe, but you opted in to paperless affection on our third date.
in the original Little Mermaid, Flounder was meatier. if you saw him on someone’s plate on a restaurant you’d go “i’ll have THAT.” This new one does not look appetizing and could not satisfy me.
Whether you rip off a bandaid quickly or slowly, I find it’s best to ask the wearer’s permission first.
If a 4-year-old says, “I’m scared there’s a monster living under my bed” Don’t reply, “Oh, that’s where he’s been hiding.”
I know that now.
You have to wait 30 days to buy a gun but Amazon Prime only takes 2 days to ship live bees, no questions asked.
My cat walks down the steps in front of me like he’s the beneficiary of my life insurance.