Wait hamburger chips aren’t potato chip flavored hamburgers I’ve been living a lie
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Me: *clicks on YouTube video to learn how to do something I’ve never done*
YouTube video: In this 30 minute video-
Me: I can take it from here.
cops: neighbours reported sounds of a struggle
**i begin to weep as I glance at my skinny jeans**
(seeing your lamp) you have a pet sun! (touching it, it burns) and i see it’s not trained very well 😐
“That video conference call went extremely well!” I say to myself, having arrived late, mouthed ‘hello’ while on mute, and left before it was over because I noticed my underwear drawer was open and overflowing in the background the whole time. “Yes, quite well.”
just overheard a conversation
“You’re a tutor, right?”
“Yeah”
“What subjects do you toot?”
God created women and the devil taught her to smile.
License and registration please.
“Bears.”
Excuse me?
“Beaaaaars.”
Are you drunk sir?
“BEAAAARS!”
Stop saying bea-
*cop is mauled by bears*
DEMON: [roars] KNEEL, MORTAL—IT IS I, BAELROTH THE SPOON-HIDER
ME: omg what’re u gonna do to me?
DEMON: were—were you not listening just now
Bro. His friends dared him to go touch your shoe
Is it really based on a true story when actors are hotter than the characters they play?
Mantra at the gym:
When the zombies come, cardio will matter.
I don’t care what pasta costs because it’s worth every penne.
I enjoy excess
*notices my doctor is listening*
but only in moderation
[cruise]
Me: boats freak me out
Wife: listen to some music
M: how
W: there’s a band on ship
M: a what
W: a band on ship
M: *jumps overboard*
I accidentally just sent a kissy face emoji to my female boss… and now we wait for the call from HR on Monday.
“Accountant jokes are funny but don’t really apply to me…”
~All accountants
Pizza: You should totally eat all of me. Like, all by yourself.
Me: What? No way.
Pizza: Why not?
Me: That’s a really good point.
Me: big day today
Brain: we’re ready
Me: yep
Brain: not like last time
Me: what
Brain: when you wrote ‘gren’ on the colors test
Me: I was 5
Brain: don’t blow it today
pir·ou·ette – /ˌpirəˈwet/ (noun)
1) An act of spinning on one foot
2) A tiny gay pirate
For about 2 seconds, when you run a red light, it’s like you stole your own car.
911: what is your emergency
ME: there’s a fly in my house
911: hang tight sir we’re sending a swat team now
So apparently if they ask “do you trust me?”…. replying with “well I trust you to be you” is the incorrect response
When I hear someone say, “chicken pot pie,” I get excited three times.
Pants? You mean Leg Prisons?
One of our insect keepers said she had butterflies in her stomach but she didn’t seem all that nerv-SONOFA!
IT guy: Your keyboard won’t work because it’s full of crumbs.
Me: *flashes back to eating Nature Valley granola bar at desk* Weird.
Carpenter ants are bullshit, I left a whole box of ikea furniture here, all they did was carry off my watermelon and steal a picnic basket
do you mean bf like best friend or boyfriend or bread festival
“I totally nailed that guy” – Roman soldiers