Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Son, your mom and I have been fighting a lot lately and we have decided that *dad piledrives mom into the coffee table* we’re gonna go pro.

Boss: I thought I said no costumes this week.
Me: These are my clothes.

only kind of dinner drama i approve of

Contrary to popular belief, you can’t see the Great Wall of China from space.

However, if you listen intently, you can hear my kids fighting over an iPad in Texas.

Watching someone cook is really sexy.

But I recommend you make sure they are unconscious before you put them in the pan.

Don’t hate the game, hate the player who keeps sending you Facebook invites to play the game.

bank robber: show me the vault!
clerk (an amateur gymnast): oh hell yeah

I just want to be as happy as a character in the first half hour of a horror movie

ME: Just because someone can play acoustic guitar doesn’t automatically mean they can sing.

EXECUTIONER: Those are really gonna be your last words?

Nobody ever talks about how effective letting dogs sleep in your bed is for birth control.

i’ve always struggled spelling out “blood” with my fingers because it always comes out looking like “bbool”

Breaking news:

The cell connection was bad so either your daughter is going to Yale or to jail. Either way, hope she’s out in five years or less.

Not to get political, but my vote will go to the candidate who promises to pass a law making it illegal to earnestly call a sandwich a “sando.”

I don’t want to fold that laundry. Maybe I’ll just put this wet load in there with the dry load and no one will notice.

-me, about to break the dryer

Haven’t heard much from the flat earthers recently. Maybe their membership has plateaued.

me: I have a phobia of very large numbers

therapist: I can help u

me: thanks a twelve

If this paper cut is any indication of my pain threshold, then child birth would definitely kill me.

Mother: A carrot is just a vegan hotdog.
*son looks at carrot*
Mother: [desperate] Bugs Bunny eats them!
Son: This is updoc.
Mother: What’s-

My wife asked me to bring her home a dozen Roses, and I really hope she appreciates the gesture, because it took 9 hours, 5 nursing homes, and 2 church bingo games to collect them all.

You can lead a horse to waterbed, but you can’t make it snuggle.

centipede: *trips*

*but for like, an hour*

British woman Liz Trussell, who tweets as @LizTruss, has been spending the morning replying to world leaders and it’s possibly the best thing in the history of the internet.

Going to get a facial today… this guy on Craigslist is offering a way lower price than the salon!

The ideal marriage is when your spouse runs the worm unit

If you tell me your deepest, darkest secrets, I promise I won’t tell anyone. Unless it will make me look important or interesting or funny.

look, men and women are BIOLOGICALLY different. ever since the cave man times boys have loved cars and girls have loved toy ovens

Chad: But I don’t want to advertise escorts or be known for shady stuff.

Craig: Then I’ll start my own list.

Never share a secret with a clock.

Because Time will tell.

If your problem can be solved by:

Naps
Cake
Drugs
Alcohol
or Murder

Then you don’t really have a problem.