Wait i haven’t finished my old year yet can I get a to-go box
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I was drinking water while laying down and missed my mouth. I get waterboarding now.
Jimmy Bathwater, 27 of Howdon, pleaded guilty to roundhousing a seagull out the sky. He was fined £300 despite how impressive that sounds
Cashier at McDonalds said “See you later” a little too smugly at breakfast. I did not appreciate her condescension and told her so at lunch.
If someone came to my door & said “We’ll give you a dollar for every plastic bag shoved under your kitchen sink.” I’d be living large.
Bakery worker: Can I get you something?
Me: [staring at case full of pies] No thanks, I’m just window eating.
*carries 11 grocery bags into house in one trip*
*locks keys in trunk*
Every person you come across in life has their own story, so be careful or they’ll start telling it to you
Why do people knock on a locked public restroom door? And what is the person inside to say? “who is it?”
My daughter insisted she wanted a snowball fight in the dark so we waited till the sun set, got our torches out and ran around laughing and freezing in the garden. When I asked her if she’d had fun, she looked me in the eyes and said “no mummy, it was dark”
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m extremely flexible
professor x: [looks at watch] oh shit i have another meeting, can we reschedule?
me: no problem
Mom: If your friends all jumped off a bridge, would you…
Me: Be the one holding all their phones? Yeah, probably.
My boss asked me if I had a minute like he doesn’t know how busy I am here.
A little girl in my class asked me if I like her more than cupcakes and now she won’t stop crying.
The key to losing weight is to eat like you’re in a video game — don’t bother with it 99% of the time until you’re about to die
Turns out my get rich painfully slow scheme isn’t working out either.
Everybody else should be able to wear scrubs to work too.
gonna pet so many people’s dogs while they’re distracted looking at the eclipse
Of course I regularly eat international cuisine. Only last week I had cyrillic alphabetti spaghetti.
My dog forgot it’s mother’s day, again.
I bought someone’s groceries today and it felt really good… I took a cart that looked like it had what I needed, bought it and left. Saved a lot of time grocery shopping. Amazing feeling.
*being wrestled away from mall santa by security* u hav TWO WEEKS until deadline and ur out here doing PHOTO OPS?! WHOS DOINGE THE REAL WORK
the gym is my favorite place to go to listen to people count to 10
NO
ONE’S
IN..
COURT LIKE GASTON
LEAKS REPORTS LIKE GASTON
WRITES IN PRESS AS “ANONYMOUS SOURCE” LIKE GASTON
[high school]
Teacher: do u have your homework?
Ryan Lochte: I was murdered last night
NOT NOW MOM I’M ASKING MEN ON THE INTERNET WHAT IT’S LIKE TO BE INSUFFERABLE
Both sides are the wrong side of the bed when you don’t wanna get up
[hearing a colleague using their mouse’s scroll wheel] well check out Johnny Longdocument over here
What did Jay-Z call his girlfriend before getting married?
Feyonce.
*drops mic, throws up dynasty sign*
I just wanted five minutes to drink my coffee so I sent my kid in the other room to look for a toy that’s in my pocket.
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