Wait i haven’t finished my old year yet can I get a to-go box
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Was it because I listed you in my contacts as “Vacuum?”
Sunday: I think the kids handled daylight savings pretty good
Tuesday: no
*Negative people trying to ruin my mood
*Me
I’ve got bad news. I went out to your apiary and someone had stolen all your apes. There were a lot of bees hanging around. You might see if they know who did it.
A hot guy at my job asked me if I had any plans and I told him 15 because I thought he said plants
“Welcome to McDonald’s, how may I take your order?”
“Begrudgingly, I would imagine.”
An MIT psychologist has warned humans against falling in love with AI, saying it just pretends and does not really care about you. “Oh that’s just a problem with AI, is it?” asked an MIT psychologist’s ex-girlfriend.
ALIEN: [1st day on Earth wearing my hollowed carcass as a disguise & trying to blend in] COFFEE AMIRITE
This is so me 😂😂
🥴😂
My neighbors look so happy.
We can fix that.
The filling in fortune cookies tastes like paper..
Day 6 of April vacation: husband and I had this idea that if we get divorced and each marry someone willing to be an involved step-parent, we would have more time to hang out with each other.
No thanks Audi; I get all the uncompromised luxury I can handle by driving whatever car my wife thinks makes me look the most married.
It might look like I’m doing nothing, but at the cellular level I’m quite busy.
[army training]
Sergeant: dude you gotta stop crying
Me, sobbing uncontrollably: this is torture
Sergeant: everyone has to make their own bed
Why do they ask your job on gameshows? It’s the least interesting thing about you. Ask people their favourite dinosaur.
Motives for murder:
1. Jealousy
2. Sex
3. Greed
4. Snoring
i installed a ceiling fan in my room
Cop searching my pockets: How does he have so many rocks!?
Me: See? To prove I’m not some boring house dad, I got a tattoo.
Her: Oh cool! It’s… uh?
Me: (proudly) It’s my thermos! From work!
Her: Well, uh, the line work is certainly…
Me: Don’t touch the thermos tat.
Natalie Imbruglia: I thought I saw a man brought to life. He was warm, he came around like he was dignified
Him:
Is it weird how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how weird it is?
LOL SO my hospital made us sign in via a virtual survey for our orientation day and they had a question “what is your ‘why’ you’re a healthcare worker” and I put “paycheck” and I DIDNT KNOW THEY WOULD LATER PUT ALL OUR ANSWERS ON THE POWERPOINT
Parents, need a little free time Easter morning?
Have your kids hunt for Easter eggs that you never hid.
Bonus points for telling them they’re getting warmer.
Most people will give you their jacket if you’re naked and tell them you come from the future.
Anxiously sneaking to use a pen that my daughter has strictly forbidden me to touch shows exactly who’s in charge of this house.
[At bar]
*all sweaty after doing the worm*
Me: *out of breath* see anything you like?
Her: called 911, thought you were having a seizure.
NEMESIS: We must fight to the death!
ME (fully aware I’m going to lose): oh thank god