Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*picks out all the marshmallows from your Lucky Charms*
*replaces them with Flintstones vitamins*

You looked a little sickly.

Her: *firing a stun gun at my head*

Me: *screaming* No! I said “I like brain TEASERS”

My wife is gone for the next 3 days, so if any ladies out there want to come over & yell at me to take out the garbage & not have sex, hmu

I’m slightly concerned my answer for everything is masturbation. Can’t sleep? Masturbate. Poor? Masturbate. Lost the remote? Go for it.

[mosh pit]
me: HELLOOO TRYING TO DRINK A LATTE HERE

The enemy of my frenemy is my frenenemy

A fun thing to do would be to eat rat poison during a dinner party & then, when you die, they’ll blame the host’s cooking. Lol.

After sitting in the labor and delivery waiting room chairs for 12 hours, I need an epidural as much as those women in labor do.

There are a million designers working on making website buttons have better gradients and none working on the cord that changes how fast your ceiling fan is going. Literally no one knows what speed their fan is on or what will happen if they pull the cord again

I told my friend he’s a bad thief. He’s not taking it well.

I asked my magic 8 ball about my romantic future and it said “I hope you like cats.”

STYLIST: “What are you thinking?”

HIM: “This might sound weird…”

STYLIST: “Try me.”

HIM: “What if Abraham Lincoln and John Lennon gave birth to a fidget spinner?”

STYLIST: “I got this.”

My favorite part of the gym is leaving. And girls in stretch pants.

My kid, asking the important questions after I told her I’d gone to the PTA meeting this morning, “How did you wear your hair?”

Saw an Italian nativity scene:

• Mary
• Joseph
• Shepherds
• Donkeys
• Sheep
• 47 wise guys

Dear whoever chalks my final outline… A little off the belly would be much appreciated.

I bought a smart light switch but was regularly getting outwitted, so swapped it for a dimmer switch.

It says here on your resume that you’re “good at traps,” could you expand on that while I investigate this pile of leaves on the floor?

Wearing high heels and releasing doves at weddings are so last century. I’ll be wearing running shoes and releasing chickens at mine

Whenever I’m sharing an elevator and someone reaches for the panel I gently push their hand down and say “no.”

Bartender: I’m cutting you off. only water from now on

Jesus: [sarcastically] oh no

*wins lottery*

Me: fill it to the top, Jeeves

Jeeves: But ma’am, your pool—

Me: I SAID MORE MAC AND CHEESE!!!

Why have an affair when you can so easily ruin your marriage by remodeling the kitchen?

kids are so chill, they never force you to eat vegetables, like their adult counterparts

Omg Brad Pitt just followed me! How does he only have 14 followers?!?!

Wife to our oldest daughter: “Go brush your teeth with your sister.”

Me to our oldest daughter: “Sweetie, don’t listen to your mother. Use a toothbrush.”

The secret to good barbecued chicken is to marinate them in the sauce for 3 days prior to grilling. The hard part is getting them to sit still.

Me as student: how can I make my essay 400 word essay longer to fit this 500 word limit

Me as professor: if I cut 5,099 words, I will almost be at the 12,000 word limit

Love it when I see the sign:
“You must have been born before 1999 to buy tobacco products.”

My oldest bra can smoke now.