Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

knights of the ikea table

God has left this place

Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.

Did you know stuffing your bra with toilet paper works pretty well…

except when it rains.

You don’t have to drive me crazy, I’m close enough to walk.

who named it sea urchin and not snorkupine

Trader Joe’s was destined for greatness…
Unlike his twin brother Sloppy Joe who was destined to work in a cafeteria for minimum wage.

If people are going to judge me they should at least hold up scorecards so I know how I’m doing.

Don’t act like you miss sex now, you weren’t getting laid before either.

Thank you 🥹

SKETCH ARTIST: *holds up drawing of a single bit of straw*

CAMEL: [in a wheelchair, tears in his eyes] That’s him!

Only I can prevent forest fires? Why are you leaving me in charge of forest fires? I can’t even prevent chafing.

ME: We’re all out of beef

CHEF: In that case, I need you to grill the chicken

ME [rolling sleeves up] you think that little shit knows something?

Part of being a woman means you can break your leg or be having a cardiac arrest & a nurse will still ask when your last period was.

fake deep people on this website will post like “do not spend time explaining yourself to people who are committed to misunderstanding you” because they got in trouble for being on their cell phone at work

8YR OLD: dad, can we get pizza for dinner tonight?

ME: aw sweetie, I’m sorry…I had pizza for lunch

8: you think I give a damn what you had for lunch?

Nice mustache, bro.

Her: What?

If you refer to your air guitar using air quotes, does that mean you have a real guitar?

I want to apologize for the awful true things I said when I was angry.

DAREDEVIL: When I went blind, other senses sharpened to compensate for the loss.
*licks a doorknob*

people who sit in a long line and aren’t ready when it’s their turn, should be sent to the back of the line to think about what they’ve done.

Overdraft fees should be illegal. Simply block the payment if there are insufficient funds. Why is that hard?

Medusa: *takes a long drag on a cigarette* You know, he was just Dwayne Johnson until he met me

We have to operate now
if the cancer spreads anymore you won’t be able to tell the difference between people & food
“Are you nuts?”
Dear God

My mom shared an old picture of my brother and I on FB today. Wanted to make sure Debbie knew what was up.

Just saw a crab walking in a straight line. It was shouting “I’m not drunk, you’re drunk” and it started a fight with a bin

don’t we all

[commenting under wife’s facebook status where she thanks everyone for coming to our son’s bday party] do we have any mustard?

Me: *finishes up dinner date*

Me: *sits down at new table* Sorry I’m late, traffic was awful

Her: …you were literally sitting at the table right next to this one