Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

According to my iPhone 6, I could commit a heinous crime, without using gloves, and have a different fingerprint just minutes later

Hates everyone who has a cooler birthstone than mine.

computer, i’m sad. show me a headline to cheer me up

Cats that run under your legs display the same genius as someone walking into traffic.

It’s saturday night you know what *that* means? right, cleaning toilets

If Oprah took over Favstar, everyone would get a trophy.

I successfully cleared a path from the front door to the TV. Now I can watch Hoarders.

Just blocked someone for correcting my spelling and it feelded great.

My mama didn’t raise no fool.

Instead I was raised by a pack of idiot wolves.

They need an Olympic event where competitors see how long they can work a dead end job.

Hahaha

I mean…it’s true!

#facts

#tattoo #tattoos #employability #funny #bananabeltbetty

I just bought a beautiful 18th century bowl.

It even has a little sign on the bottom that says dishwasher safe.

*replies to every political email asking for money with my own email asking for money*

My therapist told me he doesn’t eat bacon or drink coffee, I told him he’s the one that needs a psychologist.

I have eaten 16 of this car salesman’s tic-tacs while he was away from his desk. He wasn’t even gone long. I just can’t be unattended around tic-tacs.

me to my student: go get your mom

my student, not moving: MMMMMAAAAAMMMMAAAAAAA!!!

Well maybe don’t invite me over if I can’t rearrange your furniture.

Horrifically awaiting the day all the shampoo bottles in my shower decide to squeeze me back.

Son, we don’t play Hungry Hungry Hippos for “fun.” We play it to learn how friends turn on each other in moments of desperation and scarcity

Carries bucket and fishing rod and drills hole in the ice.
Voice: There is no fish here!
Me: Wow, is that God?
V: No, the arena director.

[God creating bears]

God: people will wanna hug ’em, but you really shouldn’t

Old guys always send me a “Good morning beautiful” and never a “V, you are the only beneficiary of my 3 million dollars life insurance”… Romance is dead

[ creating bats ]

god: well we already made birds

angel:

god:

angel: what if they were goth

god: omg what IF they were goth tho

i dont simply go through airport security. i have a goal. i want everyone in line to be blown away by my efficiency. i want to be celebrated as i push my belongings across the table. i want TSA to offer me a job (i’ll decline). i want people talking about me at their gate. glory.

Ah, I see my old arch nemesis, the bottom of the bottle, has arrived.

Not to be a Scrooge, but if you play or even hum along with Christmas music before December 10, you should be sent to a concentration camp.

sure, that makes sense. no big deal, i just go on linkedin to hang out anyway

You know you’ve really messed up when your teen stops you mid sentence with “Dude. No” then follows it up with “Duuuuuude. Stop”