When a copywriter is asked to make a headline “punchier,” that’s both a description of what the requester wants and how they make us feel.
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Why isn’t “long weekend” simply written as weeeeekend?
I live in fear of my kids going outside when it’s raining, because they could get wet and multiply.
It seems unrealistic that no two people in a movie almost ever have the same name. My screenplay, 12 Guys Named Mike, will address this.
Used to think my house was pretty nice until I starting watching HGTV. Now I just walk around depressed about my lack of sliding barn doors & wondering if I can knock down a wall & discover pristine hardwood floors under my carpet…all before I host book club at 6:00pm tomorrow.
My husband just asked me “what are you eating now?” He’s officially declared war
How did human beings express empathy before the phrase “that sucks” was coined?
Well, it’s finally happened. White people are Tupperwaring themselves.
My son will never know the thrill of illegally downloading Thong Song on napster and waiting 1h39m for it to download
My family doesn’t get together a lot during the holidays.
We see each other enough throughout the year at all the interventions.
Me: Time for school.
5-year-old: But we had three days off.
Me: So?
5: I can’t go back. I forgot everything.
Teachers don’t get paid enough.
Engaged couples should register for two of everything so it’s easier to divide stuff when they divorce.
who named him groot and not spruce lee
The cranberries used to write songs that would get stuck in your head, in your heeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad!
the guy at Subway just put Cheetos on my sandwich. can’t tell if he’s stoned, or he knows that I am
Moses: Thanks for the mana in the desert.
God: No problem.
Moses: But since you can make anything-
God: FOR THE LAST TIME, NO PIZZA.
Me: It isn’t Max on the original Mad Max movie poster. It’s his friend Goose
Priest: Would anyone else like to say a few words? Perhaps about the deceased this time?
[road trip]
ME: I’m hungry, let’s stop and eat
FRIEND: I see a 24 hour breakfast place
ME: You idiot, we don’t have that kind of time
Taking a break from my mental health to focus on Twitter
I offer kid $1 to do a chore. He sticks dollar in pocket. I get dollar back on laundry day.
Lather. Rinse. Repeat!
I’ve experienced anxiety, unhappiness and heartache but that’s nothing compared to the sheer primal terror I feel when the cat needs a bath.
All the toys under the tree
Have now gone
completely missingYou’ve been hit by
You’ve been struck by
Reverse Santa Claus
Son: Your makeup looks weird
Me: I’m not wearing any
SEXY POTATO: Hey buddy, my eyes are up here, and over here, and down here, and around here and
Him [sexy voice]: let’s do it on the couch
Me: ew babe no that’s where we eat
When a kid wants to snuggle it means you’re about to get warmth in your heart and an elbow to every single one of your other organs.
“I think that kid’s a robot”
What?
“Look at his mouth”
Relax they’re just braces
*backs away slowly*
“That’s exactly what a robot would say”
About ran over a guy jogging at 6 am in 10 degree weather, simply as a mercy killing. But my husband stopped me, explaining that some people “enjoy” that sort of thing.
So I just started chasing the dude with my car, to increase his joy.
i’m a man written by a woman but that woman has something very, very wrong with her
‘Hey look, hot dogs!’
Dogs: *blush* omg thanks
Oh you thought I sent you that red balloon emoji 🎈 as a happy birthday message?
No.
I meant that I hope a freaky clown tries to kill you.