Wait. I thought I was watching Hoarders. Looks like things are heating up!
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Me: Something is fishy here
Red herring: *acts very casual
Rules for rap battling Eminem:
1. Do not let Eminem go first.
2. Do not let Eminem go second.
I’m sorry but did they sacrifice a human sized pop tart on live tv or was that a fever dream
Candy corn is the rare candy that’s worse than than the vegetable it’s based on.
I didn’t believe in miracles until I folded the laundry this morning and all the socks had a match.
Me *at my office*: “Do you need someplace to put that out?”
Client: “I’m not smoking.”
Me: “No, I meant your kid.”
FOMO? No, I’ve got FOBI. Fear of being invited.
Mom, look at my diarrhea.
— My 5yo holding up the diary I bought him at his school’s Scholastic book fair
7: My teacher gave me a Christmas card but it’s cursed
Me: That… seems strange
7: That’s how they used to write in the olden days
Me to my kids: Omg, why does it matter whether you have the red or purple cup?
Also me: *has favorite clear, glass water drinking glasses, and only eats with the small spoons*
My house is like an Indiana Jones movie.
Partly because I walk around with a bullwhip, but mostly because of all the cobwebs.
My parents: before you leave the house you should always go pee!
Me, as a kid:. No! I don’t need to go!
Me, in my 40’s: yeah I see what you mean!
Me: *screaming*
HELP!! AHHHH! HELP! I CAN’T SEE!!Him: Are you stuck in your sweater again?
Me: *muffled voice*
Maybe.
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a leg lamp.
Sorry, when you said you needed someone to listen to your problems, I assumed you meant by eavesdropping on your therapy sessions.
hyundai called it sonata because it’s sonata good car
Why put it in my calendar when I can just wait until someone texts me “Where the hell are you?”
9 circles of hell in this economy?
if a job listing has “rockstar” anywhere in the description: run.
My kid: mumma today we met our teacher’s teacher. Our grand-teacher.
Staring out into the horizon..
Me: this is so peaceful, tranquil & romantic
[Bf holding up a stuffed lion]
Bf:Ah zabenya za dabib du da
To every YT creator out there
Never put text on the bottom..
Biggest mistake in my life.
You don’t have to choose between being a fighter and a lover. If you say you have a bad back you can normally get out of doing both.
Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it’s a soap opera.
Safety Announcement: Please stop texting, playing games, making phone calls or filming videos for social media when taking off or landing. You already have enough to do as a pilot.
It’s easy to lie to people.
My phone was dead. I mailed it 2 weeks ago. Your baby is so cute.
Most people use photoshop to create amazing art or graphic design. I use it to make fake Doritos flavors.
Potential serial killer in Stockton, CA. Be on the look out in the Stockton area and in California as a whole. Watch this video to see what we know! Important!! But also watch this ad first