Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife and I toss a coin to settle our arguments. If the coin comes down, she wins, if it stays suspended in air forever, I win.

September is the best time of year. You can finally turn the AC off and turn the heat on at 7am and turn that off at 10am so you can open a window at noon and close those at 2pm so you can turn the AC back on until 9pm.

Him: Do you want to run away with me?
Me: We won’t actually be running, right?

I just got a text from the hospital to confirm my appointment and let me know that they were changing it to a virtual visit.

My appointment is for a colonoscopy.

My daughter is begging to get her ears pierced and promised she’d “still” listen to me even with holes in her ears.

Stopped drinking coffee 3 days ago, and feel less and less addicted to caffeine with every new cup of my own pee.

me: “i re-wrote pulp fiction”
director: “wow ok” [reads script] “this is literally just pulp fiction”
me: “i didnt say it was different”

Thinking about the time my 2 yr old unbuckled his seatbelt and stood up to wave at a passing cop. I got a ticket and my 2 yr old got a sticker recruiting him to be a police officer.

[garden of Eden]

Adam: you’d be so pretty if you smiled

Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to that snake

my mother has a medical podcast where she self diagnoses her ailments it’s called my voicemail and it happens every morning at 9 am.

*Thunder, lightning and buckets of rain outside the window*

Spouse: “Hand me my phone so I can check the weather.”

I’ll have a salad but on top of a burger with cheese

“So you want a cheeseburger?”

Yes but when you bring it to me say here’s your salad

I’ve started doing my makeup before getting dressed in the morning because, if we’re running late, my husband may argue I don’t need makeup, but will never argue that I don’t need clothes.

Ultracrepidarianism is the habit of giving opinions & advice on matters outside one’s knowledge or competence.

Or, as I call it, tweeting.

Him: I like bad girls.

Me: Sometimes I deliberately leave out the Oxford comma.

Him:

Me: That’s a lie. I’m sorry, I can’t do this.

Relationship status: I just found a piece of chicken in my hair.

I ate it.

Then looked for more.

I guess the guy who named the space between stuff in the universe “space” was just tired.

Brew coffee. Chill coffee. Use coffee instead of water to make Twice-Brewed Coffee. Win Nobel Prize. Begin to glow, levitate. Eat building.

Neighbor kid brought other kids to visit today and I’m thinking about sending them all home with cats. That’s the risk you take when you let your children wander into my yard.

Jesus: hey cheer up it’s nearly FriYAY!

judas: actually know what, I’m good now

If by ‘the Hamptons’ you mean ‘my pajamas’, then yes, I absolutely weekend in the Hamptons.

Don’t be alarmed,
you’re not a clock.

Awake in the streets,
Asleep in the sheets.

Did I do that right? I don’t get it.

Scrooge isn’t special, I too have been ghosted thrice in one night

Them: Have you tried dieting?

Me: Have you ever tried pizza?

I used to tell customers that Chilean wine was good because the country is geographically so narrow, the vines have to be grown in single file, giving maximum exposure to the sunlight

[Court]
Me: My tweets go through a rigorous review process
Judge: Are they reviewed by other idiots?
M: *lips on mic* irrelevant, your honor

I suspect that the deep state is using nanotechnology to make my underwear tighter and I don’t like it.

If your husband didn’t just take down an old shower curtain, wear it as a cape, then run around yelling “I am Captain Mildew!” then you are not me.

I wish I took the same care with anything in my life as my dog does with choosing where to poop.