Wait, I thought Ionic Bond was James’s nerdy little brother.
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Opening up a chiropractor office and calling it “Back to Normal”
This is up on a telephone pole in south Minneapolis and I am dissolved in laughter:
[Me using a ouija board]
-Where are you communicating from?
T A S M A N I A
-Oh shit we called the wrong devils
It’s only August and I’m already tired of watering my plants. Makes me wonder how my daughter has lasted 18 years.
[before cones were invented]
*fistful of ice cream* there has to be a better way
Wait, there’s a big difference.
Did you say I look like THE Rock or did you say I look like A rock?
At a secluded mountaintop convent, I would be the third nun to go insane.
Everyone has that one friend they’ve known for years and still have no idea what they actually do for a living but it’s too late to ask
Age 15: I wanna live in a mansion
Age 25: Ok a big house, in a nice neighborhood
Age 35: *googles ‘Best Months to Live Outside’*
In China the labels read, “Made by someone you know.”
There’s Angie, and then there’s Drunk Angie, and one of us tried to make it to Mexico on an exercise bike.
Vogue- strike a pose
Sleep- strike a doze
Leave- strike a goes
Firefight- strike a hose
Win The Bachelor- strike a final rose
Pitch in MLB- strike the pros
Blizzard- strike a froze
Assault- strike a nose
People who race to pull out in front of me and then go below the speed limit, explain yourselves.
A guy just made fun of me for buying wine coolers at the store. I’m wearing crocs with socks and that’s what you’re going to make fun of?
Snail 1: Are you male or female?
Snail 2: Yes
Snail 1: Me too!
[they kiss passionately]
I know we’re not supposed to say this, but our second black president looks just like our first black president to me.
*girl calls me daddy*
*hammer appears in my hand*
“oh no”
*I start building a deck*
“what have you done”
*grill turns itself on*
If I were a waitress, I’d be planting fake engagement rings in every girl’s food, just to see their boyfriends panic.
There are 2 kinds of people in this world:
1. People who aren’t good with numbers
Married with Children was much funnier on TV.
ME: [drinking a glass of raw eggs]
WIFE: What are you training for?
ME: [drinking glass of bread] I just hate cooking
[making flamingos]
God: bird.
Adam: got it.
G: but it stand still a lot.
A: ok..
G: on one leg.
A: how high are you?
G: make it pink.
Scotch neat please
Umm…this is a Starbucks
*sigh
Ok a scotch “grande”
I’ve had 3 new bosses at work in the last 6 months.
I wonder when they’re going to bring me in for questioning.
I should move the bodies.
Everyone is worried about US politics but let’s focus on the bigger issue – France is having a butter shortage and this is crucial
Me to me: I’m pretty garbage
Someone complimenting me: You’re so great
Me: You’re absolutely wrongSomeone insulting me: You suck
Me: Listen here you little shit I’m amazing
Can’t wait for Game of Thrones to come back because I miss civilized political discourse.
Her: I bet you forgot it.
Him: I have a photographic memory.
[shakes violently]Her: ?
Him: Sorry, it’s a Polaroid. Is it Becky?
Her: NO
Elijah Wood looking like he does and only being 18 months younger than me is why I should start drinking more water and washing my face at night.
Engineers: “okay, so we agree the space between the seat and the console will allow people to see what they dropped but never retrieve it”