Wait, I thought Ionic Bond was James’s nerdy little brother.
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Welcome to my home! No you’re mistaken, it isn’t a mess, it’s just gallery-style so you can see everything we own at once. Watch your step.
Once a year, I put 16 spiders in my husband’s mouth while he sleeps bc
-Let’s get this over with
-He can eat mine
-I really miss Fear Factor
The problem is, once you get the bear in a headlock, you’re going to have to let him go at some point and he’s going to be pissed.
Her: I heard you got super glue on your fingers, are you okay?
Me: 👌
Tyler on Facebook says he ran 1.7 miles this morning… So based on calculations, I have 35 minutes to ransack his house tomorrow morning.
I don’t drink blood to stay young. I do it mainly for the lifestyle.
About to prop up a cardboard box with a stick on a string and put a hoodie under it.
I’ve tried to be a people person, but people ruin the experience.
ME: I got us a penguin!
WIFE: Why would you think I’d want a penguin??
PENGUIN: Maybe not everything is about what you want.
ME: *Points at penguin* That. Yes.
People: why do dogs bark at the mail man every single day
Dogs: the mailman has literally never gotten in how do you not see what I’m doing
Men always be like “if you liked me, why didn’t you say something” like ?! bro I am literally out here clutching my rose quartz pendant and saying your name three times with my eyes closed every night before I fall asleep.
What more could I have done?
I buried a time capsule when I was 9. This is the year we are going to dig it up.
I can’t wait to see how big my puppy got.
[showing date how to eat a lobster] pull the meat from the claw. good. now get your ketchup ready
Mistakes can only be made by people who do something.
This is one of the many reasons that I am chubby
Tired of actually helping? Try prayer
I made some fish tacos last night.
the ingrates just ignored them and swam away
I don’t tell many people this, but I have been known to carry a shiv.
Okay, it’s the underwire in my bra and the only one getting stabbed is me, but still.
Girls want a bad boy to fix.
Boys want a good girl to corrupt.
Me? I just want a rumbustious monkey as a butler.
Autocorrect changed “bible” to “bourbon” and that should tell you everything you need to know about me
Someone: describe your sex life in two words.
Me: my what?
I walked briskly to the nearest safe haven as I was being chased by the hood on my jacket.
Me: *telling my teen a story about a truck driving serial killer*
My teen: That would be a good job for me…being a truck driver.
Me: …
My teen: …
Me: …
My teen: NOT BECAUSE I WANT TO KILL WOMEN
Suck it losers, I just bought an autographed picture of Jesus for two grand.
My daughter has decided she now eats dark chocolate, the one treat I never had to hide because I was the only one in the house who liked it.
Nothing is sacred.
Hey boy, are you the tasks written on my whiteboard? Because I don’t plan on doing you
My son told me I need to show more interest in sports, so now I sit next to the TV, stare at my phone, and occasionally yell “Go team!” Then I look up, realize the hockey game is long over, and oh look, I’m cheering for Law and Order.
Netflix and awkward silence?
I don’t get why someone would want the house in a divorce.
“your honor, I’d like to keep the building where my soul was sucked dry.”
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.