Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[at doctor’s office]

Nurse: You may get undressed now.

Me: [rips off tear away pants]

Nurse: Most people wait until I’m out of the room but okay.

Inventor of numbers: No, see they never end. You can always add 1 to the previous number

People: What the

Inventor of the alphabet: I told you guys you should’ve let me handle it.

I love Bruce Lee because he studied art and poetry and decided the most beautiful form of self expression is punching someone in the face

[watching basketball]

I bet these guys all have really big *husband stares at me* feet.

And that’s how you get him to turn off the game.

On our way back from hotel pool, door card doesn’t work. Francophone BF heads to reception to get new card and returns.

Him: Wow, there was a huge line up at reception but when I told them I had a wet girlfriend waiting at the door they all let me in..

if i could teach my cat to go downstairs and accept my doordash delivery i would never marry

Don’t you feel like the bed sometimes traps us? 🛌😅 #wawawiwacomics

Once when I was on a cruise a lady took an entire pan of bacon to her table. The actual gigantic pan with ALL the bacon. I was so mad but I did have to give a little nod of respect.

riddler: check out aquaman’s new tweet: “on my way to destroy the legion of doom with fam”

lex luthor: you follow aquaman? LOL

others: LOL

With a straight face, my neighbor asked me not to do yardwork when her boyfriend is outside.

So yes, I think they’re in a healthy relationship.

We should call them Whether Men, because they don’t know whether or not it’s going to rain, get it? That’s a good one.

You can be having the nicest day and then you have to print something and you know your day is about to fall apart real fast

Moving is a lot more fun when you make the Movers carry you on top of the mattress like an Egyptian pharaoh

I bought a pair of underwear today.

In the front it says ‘I would do anything for love’.

In the back, ‘But I won’t do that’.

[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow you didn’t waste any time did you Becky

We can only blame SO much on trump. Some things are just Ryan Seacrest’s fault.

I could start my day without coffee, but I like to say words, and put on clothes

Sorry I ate your baby but you shouldn’t have wrapped it like a burrito.

Monday?
No. Next question.

replace the chair in the Oval Office w/slightly bigger chair every day for next 4 yrs til trump looks tiny + his feet don’t touch the ground

Took a woman back to my apartment last night. She was disgusted and refused to come inside. Oh sure, it’s cool when the Ninja Turtles live in the sewer…

[Baby shower]

Mom-to-be, opening my gift: What’s this?
Me: A lock box.
MTB: For what?
Me: Your office supplies: tape, scissors, pens…
MTB:
Me: You’ll thank me in 5 years.

Beers ranked:

1-First beer after work
2-Post yard work beer
3-Shower beer
4-Vacation beer
5-All other beer

“I asked Santa for a real duck.”

— My child, trying to break me 3 days before Christmas

I woke up this morning and my hair looked like a Beatles lyric.

Here, there, and everywhere.

The four seasons are depression, allergies, tomatoes and spooky

Once I get this cortisone cream on it’s gonna be all over for you itches.

In every teen body-swap film there’s that moment where they look in the mirror & are shocked to see an adult.
That’s my morning routine now.

i for one absolutely hate and can’t stand it when the crab next to me in this bucket full of crabs (i too am a crab) climbs over me when i am trying to in fact climb over THEM

Apparently you can’t sell your eggs if you’ve been diagnosed with depression so I guess none of these people want funny kids