wait I thought laser eye surgery meant I get laser eyes
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What if the alien abductions are all the same guy? The other grays hold a press conference and say “Oh, that’s just Kyle. He’s a jerk.”
‘Hit me with your pet shark’ #RuinAn80sSong
Ignoring your text is easy. It’s having to park my car 8 blocks away so you think I’m not home when you drive by that’s awkward.
i’m still crying at this
My son didn’t want to get up for school today, so I promised him that if he got up and went to school today, I wouldn’t make him go tomorrow.
We were about halfway to the bus stop when he realized that it’s Friday.
Why didn’t they call it Guardians of the Galaxthree
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
No pants were worn during the making of this tweet.
If we are in a “do not laugh” situation, do not look over at me
[road trip]
Me: one more word out of you and I’ll turn this car right around!
Kid: but
Me: that’s it, BACK TO DISNEYLAND
Forgot your password?
Hint: your cat’s name~ a crazy cat lady’s worst nightmare
If you’re not writing, that’s fine, but just know that someone else is. So, if you really want to be successful, figure out who it is and get them to stop.
Don’t mess with me. I will pull on one of your hoodie strings to make them uneven.
*novela book bar*
bartender: let me guess books not booze
him: tequila …
bartender: ’bout time here you go
him: … mockingbird
bartender: there it is
Twitter was down earlier. I tried telling jokes on Grindr but it wasn’t as satisfying
Waiter: can I take your order?
Me: [clutching my Amazon package] you most certainly CANNOT
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: make math go away
GENIE: ha ok that one’s on the house
ME: oh so I still get three wishes?
GENIE: huh?
[first date]
ME: *staring at phone* So then you just come up with something funny and people RT you
WAITER: Sir, your date left 20 min ago
Who told cauliflower it can be anything it wants?
[speed dating]
Him: have you ever been married?
Me: just once… we had a beautiful ceremony in my parents yard with all my Barbie dolls in attendance but an hour later he went back to live with his mom
Him: lol aww you were 5?
Me: don’t be ridiculous *sips drink* I was 30
GHOST: I’m here to warn you to change your ways before it’s too late
POLTERGEIST: I’ma open your cupboards
Co-worker: *tells story*
Me: I’m so sorry to hear that.
CW: What? It’s not a bad story.
Me: No, I’m just really sorry I had to hear it.
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
The bad news is I spent 10 minutes digging in my bag for a comb.
The good news is I found an earring, a penguin, and half a burrito.
We’re lucky fire rhymes with liar liar; who knows what might have happened to our pants.
You look like the kind of person who would hit rock bottom and then start drilling.
Apparently people mistook my innocent “what street did you grow up on” tweet for data mining.
Which is hysterical in a completely non-Russian bot fabricated to crack your Pinterest password & steal your Dog Sweater Vision Board ideas kind of way.
(genuine human laughter)
Overheard someone telling someone else about their twins birthday coming up and the one asked how old they’d be, I shit you not she said “7 and 9”
I can’t afford a personal trainer so instead I go to the gym and lift incorrectly and wait for 3 different dudes to correct me for free.
Fact: mongooses are super fast and agile and are well known to be dangerous to cobra kai students.