wait I thought laser eye surgery meant I get laser eyes
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Love is not pushing them down the stairs when you have the opportunity.
If you watch Jeopardy backwards it’s about 3 idiots who pay a Canadian to answer a bunch of hidden questions.
MY BULLY (age 9): Here he comes, the guy with the worst comebacks on the planet.
ME: Shut it Trevor. Your dad should be the next Batman.
I usually spend my Sundays texting apologies but I’ve had an alcohol free weekend now I have nothing to do.
Just found out I’ve failed my biology exam. Obviously I’m not happy about it but I guess I’ll have to take it on the sticky out bit just below my speak hole.
What do you call a potato/corn crime fighting duo?
Starchy and Husk
Homeschooling day 1: trying to get this kid transferred out of my class.
Online recipes have finally added a jump to the recipe button. Now if blogs could add a jump to the point button, life would be golden.
6YO: Can I eat a cookie?
Me: Finish your dinner first
6YO: My stomach is full except for a circle shaped space
Dear dinosaur naming people,
Parasaurolophus and Elasmosaurus could’ve been named Frank and Joe.
Sincerely,
The parents of small children
I sent an email saying “I see you all in prison tomorrow” instead of “in person tomorrow” and I’m pretty sure that’s the worst typo a judge can send to counsel.
Accidentally fell asleep smoking an e-cigarette and when I woke up my whole house was on the internet.
Gary Numan is 13 days older than Gary Oldman. I don’t even know what to believe any more
Doctor: You’re gonna lose that eye.
Me: That’s HORRIBLE!
D: You need to be optimistic.
M: HOW?!?
D: Think of it as ‘your glasses half full’.
[January 1st]
Moon: whatcha gonna do today
Earth: START A REVOLUTION
‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who don’t know me‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who know me
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
Lock eyes with woman across the bar. Entire life flashes before my eyes. Courtship. Wedding. Marriage. Kids. 2 boys. Promising athletes. Bigger stronger than everyone. NFL dreams. Puberty. They stop growing. 5’9. Division 3. I snap out of it and hide in the bathroom for 2 hours
Sarah Ross, on Facebook, handed out full-size candy bars. She also put a potato in the bowl. 🥔
How come when everyone else heats up sugar they get caramel and I get a higher fire insurance premium?
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists discover portal, “WE THREW A HOTDOG IN IT” screamed one scientist
I’ve never dated two people at the same time, but I have had UPS and Amazon show up on the same day.
The Cleveland kidnapper was found dead in his cell. I guess being locked up against your will didn’t agree with him.
“Know what, son? We should do all of our miracles before cameras exist.” – God
I opened this great self-care app.
It’s called “the fridge.”
in college, i was on a first date with a guy and like 10 minutes into the convo he asks me if i would change my major to education so as to homeschool our future children. i was like wtf no way and now 15 years later he just looked at my linkedin profile.
Californians complain when it rains then complain when there’s a drought. Cmon guys do we wanna be wet or not!!
FUN PRANK:
Bump into Kanye in public, pretend you don’t recognize him, and say
“EXCUSE ME ORDINARY CITIZEN”
Then watch how mad he gets.
Today is 3 wks in quarantine w/o sugar. Walking 3 miles a day, no meat, dairy or flour! I feel great! No alcohol & vegan diet! A 2 hr home workout everyday. Lost 14 lbs & gained muscle mass! I have no idea whose tweet this is but I’m proud of them so I decided to copy & paste it!