Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Three ways to tell if you’re dating an Octopus:

1. They give awesome hugs
2. They have no skeleton
3. Every date is at the aquarium

My 3yo said “Alexa” repeatedly for 5 minutes and when he finally walked away Alexa asked if I could put her in a dark room with a bottle of wine

the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care most about

batman [through gritted teeth]: pancakes

robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what

When my sister went into labour I was 13.
It was at 03, we shared a room. She woke me up saying, “I think I’m in labour.” I told her, “No you’re not go back to sleep.” Me, a 13 year old who knew nothing. Even her she listened . My mum was sooo pissed in the morning 💀

Hendrix didn’t need to twerk on stage. He performed the old fashioned way, relying only on his musical talents and near lethal doses of LSD.

An alien makes contact. I take it home, give it a sandwich. Then ice cream. And then, to show we’re an advanced race, an ice cream sandwich.

i just think if i chewed lava quick enough it wouldn’t be too bad

I don’t care how hardcore you are. If you don’t cry when Dumbo visits his mommy in elephant jail, you have no soul.

What do you call 100 sheep rolling down a hill

A lambslide

Can’t believe it’s December again, 2023 seems like yesterday.

Wife: HAHAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA
[we put our clothes back on]

Him: I just poured out 16.9 ounces for my homie.

Her: Just say you filled the dog’s water bowl.

What’s the most ridiculous demand a customer has made of you? I’ll go first: when I was working retail, a woman once demanded I pick her up from her Botox appointment with my car & bring her to the mall to shop

Cop: [aiming gun] Neither of you move

Imposter disguised as me: He’s the one you want, kill him…

Me: [knowing my wife bought a drum kit for our sons birthday] He is correct

Yes, milk from cows tastes nice. But to the person that first found that out..you have issues bro

Me: do you like bad boys?
Her: no
Me: are you sure?
Her: [covers her dog’s ears] okay yes

Telling my son he can’t stay home from school for no reason even though when I was his age I’d blow dry my forehead and tell my mom I had a fever.

Remember in the boardgame Life when you had kids and collected money? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Tell the dude at Starbucks your name is Poison Coffee, and when he calls your name, fall out of your chair onto the floor.

Of course divorce is expensive. The price of freedom has always been high.

“my therapist actually told me im right and you’re wrong” oh really? your therapist who you pay $300 an hour, who only heard your side of the story, told you you’re right?

Sex so good your binoculars fog up.

Is your refrigerator running?

Because I might vote for it.

Save on property taxes by putting your house legally in the name of that bag of peas in the freezer.

Overheard on the bus:

“Stop eavesdropping on our conversation, it’s creepy and you won’t get any funny tweets out of it”

There’s always that creepy couple inviting people to come over and sit in their hot tub…by the way, what are you doing tonight?

[asteroid hurling towards earth]

ME: [frantically petting dogs] this puts me horribly behind schedule

Wait for it. (You won’t regret it).