Wait – if the planet is spinning faster, maybe I *didn’t* gain weight. Maybe there’s more gravity.
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Man reading a book: hot
Man with a baby: hot
Man reading a book to a baby: hold me back my ovaries have exploded.
What is this World Cup and can I drink from it?
Spend a few hours without your phone and you’ll realise what the important thing in your life is.
It’s your phone.
hey idiots you don’t have to go back in time to kill hitler he’s already dead
Pacifist? No, I think all oceans are beautiful
Make your own bacon by tricking a pig into running headlong through a harp.
SHE SAID YES!! 😍😍😍💍💍💍 i asked my mom if she was disappointed in me!!
Good Friday. No. Stop, I said no. NO. BAD FRIDAY. BAD.
I want to be in shape enough that I fit into my favorite jeans but not so much that people ask me to help them move
Mom: why aren’t you and your “friend” close anymore?
Me:
I’m going spiraling, do you need anything?
What do you do for a living?
I’m a spy !
Why are you dressed like a shepherd?
I’m a shepherds spy !
Pancakes are just crepes who let themselves go after college.
What personal space?
My dog
I need you guys to take my phone away from me. It’ll probably take a couple of you to do it. I’m a biter.
“So, this is your so called ‘surprise gift’?”
#CoronaOutbreak
When Prince Adam called upon the power of Greyskull and turned into He-Man, it didn’t make him bigger or stronger it just made him more naked
So I didn’t stab the idiot who knocked over my entire coffee-
Does that sainthood thing start like right away or…
The British are coming! The British are coming! The British have to get up early! The British swear they’ll call you in the morning!
(scientists naming weird spiny thing in a bush)
Scientist 1: This thing sucks
Scientist 2: Yeah!
S1: It’s hogging all the hedges!
S2: Wait.
They were testing a machine that calculates your age based on your reflexes. Turns out I am 140 years old.
There should be a “shame” setting on showerheads.
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Wife: Nothing would make me happier than a new car.
Me: Well if you’re sure. Nothing it is.
He’s a 10 but so is his volume.
My O face is the same face I make when I eat really sour pickles
Which is why the lights stay off!
shampoo bottle: Contains No Parabens!
me (has no idea what that is or means): good.
I seriously have no problem with Bill Gates putting chips in the vaccine. I do take issue with him not including dip.
*calls sister while babysitting for her*
“the younger one says you guys don’t own a snake. this true?” [kid in background] ITS LOOKING AT ME