Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Gandalf: are you ready for an adventure

Bilbo: no

Gandalf: can i come in for tea

Bilbo: also no

Gandalf: dinner with my friends?

Bilbo: i feel like you aren’t hearing me

Gandalf: no i am it’s ju- *stooping under the door* it’s just i really don’t give a shit what you want

cave of wonders: only one may enter here

aladdin: abu has to wait outside?

cave of wonders: oh, pets don’t count

abu: *steals*

cave of wonders: OK PETS COUNT

Someone taught my 3yo the phrase “what in tarnation” so now I know what it’s like raising an 18th century toddler with a potty mouth.

Starting a new band called the Shania Twainsaw Massacre.

I had a dream that I was making an offer on a house and it came with 12 kids. I asked the owner “why aren’t you taking all your children?” She replied “I don’t like them.”

I thought dreams weren’t supposed to make sense.

I only eat mean animals: shark, crocodile, jerk chicken, etc.

If I were lost and all I had was a compass I would still be lost.

A woman just asked me to “unpark her car” and now I’m searching urban dictionary to see what I really just agreed to do

Me: *annoyed that 3yo never wants to get in the bath and then never wants to get out of bath*

Also me: *procrastinates getting in the shower because comfy and lazy and then doesn’t want to get out of the shower because comfy and lazy*

If you see my brave face, do not make eye contact and back away slowly. I haven’t worn it in weeks and I’m afraid it has gone rogue.

People who find your stuff, then claim it’s theirs:

1. Colonialists
2. Sisters

18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.

I’m trying to convince my boss that “ffs” is short for
“For faster service”
so I can put
“What do you need now, ffs”
in all my emails

Friend: I’m surprised to see you eating a salad.

Me: *empties bag of chocolate chips over it*

[aliens talking]

“They call it a sel-fee”
A photograph of oneself?
“Sometimes several”
But why?
“We have one theory”
Go on
“They’re idiots”

Slut: desirable woman who has sex with someone other than yourself.

Just watched a guy walk out of the tanning place and immediately light a cigarette. Slow down, buddy. Don’t get all the cancer today!

Tom Cruise has signed on for Mission Impossible V. His impossible mission is trying not to show up on everyone’s gaydar.

Children change a lot of things like now if I get lost in a corn maze I just lay down and take a nap or run toward the guy with a chainsaw.

The fact that the overhead camera in front of my office is fake doesn’t stop me from giving it the finger on the way out every day.

I’m always a stone’s throw away from my children. I have the forehead bruise to prove it.

Someone just got sent home for having a meltdown. I’ve never been so jealous of a coworker in my life.

Your call is important to us. Please continue to hold until your battery is dead.

My daughter’s birthday wishlist this year can only be deciphered by a much, much richer man.

Yes yes your avi is very attractive, but before this goes any further I need to know which streaming services you have passwords to.

Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid

HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA VALUE YOUR FRIENDSHIP TOO MUCH TO RUIN IT WITH SEX. SURE, YOU’RE ATTRACTIVE, THEY JUST DON’T SEE YOU IN THAT WAY

[trying to select cells in a table]
ME: alright, I just need A1 to A20
EXCEL: got it *scrolling*
ME: easy does it
EXCEL: …A15, we’re almost there!
ME: yep, let’s bring it in nice and slow
EXCEL: *breathing heavily*
ME: do not
EXCEL: oops
ME:
EXCEL: A7510
ME: f-in A7510

Carl: So hot today.

Me: Tell me something I don’t know.

Carl: During WW II, Americans tried to train bats to drop bombs.

Me: Fair enough.

When you stop looking for it is when you’ll find it.

Happiness, love, that last beer in the back of the fridge.