Wait is Venmo down too?? Venmo me I’m curious
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Contents of my wallet just spilled all over the cashier’s counter, so embarrassing, spiders everywhere.
what’s a not gay way of asking your bro to pose shirtless for a pic that you’ll silkscreen on a body pillow?
“Groundhog” implies the existence of skyhogs, and that’s just frightening.
[adrift at sea]
CLOWN: no worries, we can use this helium canister to propel us to shore
ME: *really squeaky voice* we need a different plan
He had the strength of ten men and the confidence of twelve morons.
Netflix and explain what’s happening and who that guy is?
My wife turned on the shower while I was holding our cat and now I have no arms and he’s halfway to Canada.
[meeting girlfriend’s dad]
Me: nice to meet you, Mr. Phillips
Him: Dr, I have a PhD
Me: oh, nice to meet you Dr. Phdillips
a horror film where the victim walks into her kitchen and everyone she’s muted on twitter is standing there drinking coffee
how much longer is mercury in the microwave i don’t know if i can handle it
I refuse to stay at a Holiday Inn until they publicly specify what holiday they are referring to.
You’ve attempted to log into your online subscription of Psychology Today, please prove you’re not an imposter.
Someone tweeted today that they were “29-ish” and I didn’t know you could “ish” 15 years.
JOHN LENNON: Help! I need somebody
ME: okay I’m here what do you ne-
JOHN LENNON: not just anybody
ME: damn wow okay
doctor: whats the problem?
me: my right leg is missing
doctor: no problemo
me:
doctor: great success, we’ve attached your leg
me: my left leg is missing now
doctor: no problemo
Her: Do you ever listen to a word I say?!
Me: Sounds like a plan.
I don’t understand interventions. What’s the point of being told u drink too much by a room full of the reasons u drink in the first place?
Everyone: Wow, I love your official animal.
Aussies: Thanks, it has pockets.
Titanic passengers clearly didn’t read the fine print on their tickets:
“All sails are final.”
Trainer: Diet to hit your goal weight.
Me: Then what?
Trainer: Diet forever to maintain it.
Me: *heading to Pizza Hut* Nvm.
Jesus: *tearing bread* this is my body
Disciples: ooh
Jesus: *pouring wine* and this is my blood
Disciples: ahh
Jesus: *putting Nickelback on Spotify* and this is How You Remind Me
*Interrogation Room*
Detective: We know you took the teeth and the dental records.
….
Detective: Look, I’m just trying to do my job here.
Tooth Fairy: So am I!
Thinking about the time my toddler was looking at his pruny fingers after a bath and said ‘mommy they look like your forehead.’
I lost my car chapstick so I’ll have to replace it with purse chapstick and I’ll replace purse chapstick with kitchen chapstick and I’ll replace that with bathroom chapstick and then that moves the bedroom chapstick…
I’m never going to recover from this.
[Job interview]
“Can you explain these gaps in your CV?”
“Yes, they’re so the words aren’t all joined together” *rolls eyes to self*
I introduced my 2yo to Cheerios and now I have to carry a little baggie around wherever we go in case he needs his next fix
What kind of doctor are you?
-Apathologist
A… pathologist?
-No, apathologist. People come to me when they need medical don’t care.
I need to stop digging tunnels when I’m drunk where am I