Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I got a shopping cart today with 4 working wheels, it was full of lingerie models and self confidence and I was dreaming

The problem with millennials is they were taught to look up to Pokemon not *struggles to think of a thing old people respect* Mussolini

My roommate is looking for a summer subletter and a dad responded on his nineteen year old son’s behalf.

He described his son as “very mature”.

Sir, if you are figuring out your adult son’s roommate situation for him, he is not “very mature”.

Stopped by a roadside farm where I saw a sign that said “DUCK, EGGS”.

I was contemplating the position of the comma when it hit me.

Clerk at Lowes handed me my receipt and I said, “Have a good day.” He responded, “Have an even better day,” and now it’s a god damned contest.

date: i like the strong silent type

me: [quietly trying to lift the table over my head]

Both of my boys are away at college, leaving me alone to defend the thermostat against my wife and daughters.

[INT. STARBUCKS – DAY]

Me: Theres a large rat in the bathroom
Barista: ?
Me: A large rat
Barista: ?
Me: THERES A VENTI RAT IN THE BATHROOM

Boss: And why can’t you come in today?

Me: *at an aquatic petting zoo* I’m feeling a little eel.

Eating my 8 spiders on New Years Day this year to get it out of the way

With prices going up and wages staying the same, I want to share some important information with you all. I know a place where you can still get gas for under $4

Taco Bell

Saying you make your own luck is a gross oversimplification. No one ever mentions how hard it is to collect enough leprechaun toenails for a decent batch.

[stays up all night examining my issues and identifying which descriptors best express my feelings of dysregulation]

the second i get to therapy:
idk I just feel blah

My doctor said I needed to reduce stress. Great, now I have that to worry about.

Hey girl, on a scale of ‘Neo’s mind in the beginning of The Matrix’ and ‘Neo’s mind at the end’, how free are you tonight?

Went onto the patio and found out that my daughter is in the process of making fake dog doo with insulating foam sealant. Do I ask or just let nature take its course? #QuarantineCrafts

Just when the world was convinced Canadians were normal, we published a recipe for ketchup cake on our ketchup bottles.

I’ve come to the terms with the fact that finding stuff in the refrigerator is not one of my life skills. Our entire fridge could be made out of roast beef and I will ask you where the roast beef is.

I was really into the idea of Salsa dancing, until I learned there are no chips. Or salsa.

Why are you screaming my name? I’m right here..

Having sex is weird.

The probiotic bottle says there’s a billion good bacteria in every dose. How do we know they’re all good? Out of a billion can we be sure there’s not one mean ass microbe just waiting to escape the capsule and kill someone?

Me: I hate seeing you like this.
Coworker: Like how?
Me: In person

Yesterday, myself, Miss 9 and husband were sat on a train in and around a man with a book entitled Surrounded by Idiots.

A sloth just poked me to see if I was still alive, so don’t talk to me about your Netflix asking you if you’re still watching.

[first date]
me: [don’t let her know you’re a microwave]
her: my food is a bit cold
me: [my head starts slowly rotating]

I’m on hold. My call is important to them.

Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.

I stopped to tie my shoe at the airport and someone reported me as an unattended bag.

Before you buy anything online ask yourself “Am I prepared to see a sales ad for that same item on every social media site I visit until the day I die?”

I woke up with an almighty hangover to the sound of my neighbour mowing his lawn at 8am.

He’ll have to mow round me, I’m not moving.