Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[1st date]

Me: [putting my jacket over my dates shoulders]

Her: “Thank you but I’m not cold”

Me: [covering her awful dress] “Yes you are”

Told my son I went into labor on thanksgiving but he came on Black Friday and he asked me if I got a discount.

i swear to god if the house of commons does not stop fighting i will turn this car around

I’m sorry your wife touches the elf on the shelf more than you.

I’m hiring a motivational speaker for my lazy eye.

ME: Why can’t I sleep?
CUP OF COFFEE FROM 4 PM: I’ve put together a list of everyone who might be mad at you.

[Court]
Me *taking the witness stand*
Judge: Hey, put that back!

The Honey Badger is my favourite animal that sounds like a really scary breakfast cereal.

She said she liked a man with a mouth on him and I admitted that I too like someone with all their face parts.

zookeeper: have you folks seen the lions yet?

me: no, not yet!

zookeeper : ok *starts sweating* well stay calm and let someone know if you do

I just took my uncle Kevin for his Covid jab. A barely noticeable prick but someone had to take him.

I have taken up painting

Want to annoy the man in your life? Pronounce MMA “mama”.

First of all the thin slices you eat to straighten up the cake don’t count

mercenary: do you want this schrödinger guy dead or alive?

cat: *narrows eyes* yes

I put sea salt on my seafood, so they can be reunited. Because I like happy endings.

[police stakeout]

me: suspect spotted

partner: again, that’s a dalmation

MUGGER: Empty your pockets!

ME: But these are cargo shorts.

(45 min later)

ME: That’s the left one

MUGGER: Seriously.

ME: I am SO sorry

My salad is dry.
That’s a problem that needs a dressing.

Once an octopus figures out how to do roundhouse kicks, humans are pretty much done

While I totally believe ghosts exist, I seriously hope they don’t because I don’t want to go to the afterlife and meet someone that is like “oh when I was a ghost I watched you practice fake eating for an hour.”

[on a 1st date]

Me: I’m just looking to take things slow

Her: *in a wedding dress* me too

According to my scales, there could be four wolves inside of me.

If I ever ask you to hold a baby, you better ask whose baby I have because I’m clearly high and stole a baby.

Zoom meetings have reminded me that I’m generally not muted when you should be.

At his funeral. I lay my hand on your shoulder. I apply pressure, gently, in an attempt to move you from in front of the snack table.

With virtually no power, there still comes a surprisingly large amount of responsibility.

This Tweet from @gnuman1979 has been withheld in response to a report from the copyright holder. Learn more.

A pregnant girl from my high school made her unborn child a Facebook and added me as a friend. I AM FRIENDS WITH AN EMBRYO YOU GUYS.

What do you call a bunch of chess players bragging about their game in a hotel lobby?

Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer